AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

You have been together 6 years in later life, so why have combined finances? Let him pay for his daughter and gc, so it has less impact on you. I've been with my dp 15 years, and he has no say in what I spend on my ds ( who like your sd has lost their other parent). Saying this your dh needs to pay his share of your and his expenses.

He should be fully financing this. I hope you aren’t contributing.

It does seem a bit much. I’m of a similar age and also a single mum whose DM died when I was a child. I wouldn’t expect my DF to take us on holiday or pay for private lessons for my dc.

It's so nice that your husband is so present in his daughter's life. Though sometimes, it's not about the money but also quality of relationship. As the children grow, their needs and expectations will change and inevitably get more expensive. Where do his boundaries lie- what kinds of things will he spend on and won't? Obviously he hasn't thought about that yet but it's important to be practical. Also, what kind of relationship do you have with daughter? Can she apply for a better paying job? Not sure why you mentioned she is intelligent but if that is relevant then surely she can do better- for her own financial growth. Though talking to your husband would be the best starting point.

What are the holiday options really though? Is she likely to be able to self fund any of them being a single mum doing church admin? So she either stops the Spanish holiday which would be a real shame or you stop one of the others. The week in the caravan sounds like a big family affair and would be a shame to drop.

The easiest one would be to book yourself a sunshine holiday during term time and not book the October all inclusive. You’d save thousands.

As others have suggested, invite her for lunch on Saturday rather than taking her out (or even better, maybe she could host sometimes by way of thanks).

It is a lot but your biggest problem will be your DP who sounds far less inclined to stop helping. He sounds like a lovely, generous man and a great dad.

If you are both on the same page, he needs to have an honest conversation with her.

Most people don’t get 3 holidays a year. The trip to Spain and week in the caravan park is more than many families get. I think it’s that October all inclusive that is the step too far.

I think it's reasonable to say you'd like one holiday for just the 2 of you. It would be cheaper to go out of school holidays as well as not paying for another 3 people. So drop the AI with them & just go yourselves. As pp suggested, could the Spanish trip be every other year? Or his daughter pays half herself?

Saturday lunch/brunch at yours. Or he takes a lunch or afternoon tea to hers? Pop into a shop on the way & buy cakes & milkshakes or something. Then go to the park or go to feed the ducks, whatever is available locally & free. Still grandad's treat & time with them. Just a cheaper version. Let them appreciate him for time spent with him without constantly expecting money spent on them.

Just book them one block of swimming lessons each per year if possible. I do think it's a worthwhile life skill but constant lessons add up.

You both need to statt thinking about retirement. After working your whole life you want to be comfortable. This level of expense won't constantly be possible.

Do the Spanish cousins ever come here to visit? Seems excessive and a bit one-sided to be travelling so regularly to visit cousins abroad.

Completely different if the DSD were funding the trip herself, but this is one of three holidays a year and it doesn't sound as though you can comfortably afford it.

Treating the DSD and grandkids to an annual holiday is a lovely generous thing to do. The current set up is way OTT.

He's very generous but 3 holidays feels like a lot to me! Especially on what I am estimating your salaries might be.

What did his daughter do career-wise before she had the children? My sister is single mum to a young child (there is no dad) and has worked full time since he was 1. She returned to her previous professional role, albeit working from home most of the time. My nephew goes to after school club and she has a neighbour's teenager come and play with him after school sometimes. I feel like there might at least be a halfway house between church admin and a full on job?

How much do you budget/track your spending? Maybe just initiate doing that and let him see for himself how much this all adds up?

This!!! DS9 had 1:1 lessons after literally years of us taking him swimming every week to no avail. He was scared of water.
He is now super confident. Worth every penny.

If he's funding a holiday for her at the expense of a holiday for you, it's unreasonable.

What do you do on a Saturday whole he takes them for lunch? If you're alone, it's unreasonable.

I think it depends on your household financial split. If your earnings are subsidising his half of your shared living expenses enabling him to spend his earnings on his daughter, then that's just not fair. If you're splitting household finances 50/50 (or the equivalent percentage according to earnings) and he's spending his spare cash on his daughter, that's up to him.

It sounds like reasonable spending on a child and two grandchildren. I’d be encouraging her to improve her earning prospects though. I can’t see her getting far with two children on a church job unless she doesn’t have to worry about housing costs.

I think between the 3 adults you’re all living a pretty nice life style given your jobs. I would want to help my dd and gc if I could. Is she appreciative of the help?

Because the swimming classes go on and on and on even after the kids can swim.

I think it is excessive. Including them in the October holiday may change I guess once the older one is in school as school holiday prices are so much higher.
For me, funding the trips to Spain could reduce to alternate years - or fixing an amount to put towards this. Does SD work? Could she pay for her own caravan in Norfolk?
I think swimming lessons under 5 are a waste of money as it is just about water confidence at that stage - which parents/ grandparents can facilitate. Much better value from formal lessons once they can actually follow instructions and progress quickly - and then worth paying for.
I sense you feel that your hard earned money is spent on your SD and you are limited on what else you can afford to do - which does seem unfair . Three holidays a year is a lot and probably not sustainable for you to fund long term - especially once you are retired.

Definitely needs some conversation with DH about managing his daughter’s expectations going forwards. YANBU

I roll my eyes at what DP spends on his children. Now grown up. And his ex. (She’s constantly broke). We’ve been married for longer now than they were together. It took 15 years for us to have a joint account because of it. Now we pay into an account for bills etc and his money is his to do what he wants.

His daughter sounds like she needs support and he obviously enjoys all of this. It will likely change as the kids get older, you move to retirement. Maybe that’s the conversation to have about planning for your (plural) futures and how it’s going to start to look. If he’s generally careful with money otherwise, loves you and them. It all seems rather sweet.

I think swimming lessons are largely a scam too. But that’s for another thread. It seems an entirely reasonable amount of support for a father to give his daughter under the circumstances. And the idea of providing lunch instead of going to a cafe would save practically nothing, would make additional work and potentially add to the OP’s resentment. And probably be more stressful for the daughter.

Maybe the OP would like to go on different holidays not have them based around the SD and her kids.

Also another thought....is she only keen to see her dad if he is spending money on her?
As myself and others have mentioned, support doesn't always have to be financial. From your examples it sounds like either he offers to finance these things to keep her sweet and bribe her into seeing him or she only wants to see him if money is involved. Maybe that's not the case but as others say, can the lunch in a cafe be changed to lunch at home?
Does she contribute in any way to these holidays?

I know people will come at me, but while she wouldn't be able to afford 3 holidays a year she would have money coming in from her job and benefits. Can he not support her in checking she is claiming everything she is entitled to and that the maintenance payment from the kids dad is fair?

Pps saying cafe lunches are nothing, 4 ppl easily could be £50pw, every week. Paying for the Spain trip is always being budgeted for, where are OPs lunches out every week and her holiday?

In that case I’d drop the AI holiday and do something yourselves in the summer and keep the other 2 holidays. If you feel you still want to do something in the summer together you can rent a uk cottage cheaply right at the end of the summer hols for 4 or 5 days and all meet there as prices drop loads after August bank holiday Monday and get a holiday away together and still probably save money.

After they can swim confidently for a reasonable distance?

I havent noticed this being the case!

Once they become a confident swimming (not just able to swim a bit) then obviously going swimming regularly as a family will do the job, but these children are little and unlikely to have reached that stage yet.

Generally as you move into adulthood you become less financially dependent on your parents to the point where you can stand on your own two feet. That does not mean 'tossing' anyone to one side or that you cant treat your kids to gifts or occasionally surprises.

Oh I don’t for a second think it’s anything like that. I actually adore her and the children, she is genuinely lovely and clearly very well raised. She always hosts Christmas/Easter, always takes DH and I out for our birthdays and pays.

I think it’s DH who likes all this stuff more, maybe trying to keep alive some of the past (I think her mum worked Saturdays when she was little so it was always “dad daughter” day. We could host lunch, I’ll suggest that.
I don’t mind most of it I’d just like to free up a little extra cash for a summer break, even if we go in June before the schools are out.

Anyway, I think the obvious answer is a greater separation of finances.

I think joint finances don’t work where there are offspring (even adult ones) from previous relationships on either side, as parents naturally want to help their children, and it can breed resentment.

I think paying for 3 holidays per year is excessive. Your step-daughter has 2 holidays abroad per year and a break in the UK.... that's more than most families, with two parents working are able to afford!! The lunches and swimming lessons aren't that much in comparison. Yes, it's lovely and a wonderful thing to do, but not at the detriment of your own lives. Where are your breaks away, meals out, as a couple?? There's not much left once 3 holidays have been paid for.