AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

The OP isn't subsidising anything. Its highly unlikely she can even afford to pay 50% of rent, 50% of car cost, 50% of food, 50% of utility bills plus her share of the holidays plus her own bills e.g. phone.

People are suggesting the OP works full-time (like her husband) if she wants more than she has. It is a luxury to be able to work 3 days a week, especially when you have no dependents.

It's sixteen half days a year!!! Neither the OP nor her husband need to work a 3 day week all year to be able to do that.
It's generous for the OP to do it but the daughter would be able to sort it if the OP went back to work full-time. The idea that the OP doing the equivalent of 8 days childcare a year enables her husband to work is hilarious.

And you will never convince me that the OP is the victim here. I would love to work part-time but I dont have a partner to sponge off (I also have too much self respect).

Why are you having a dig at what op does? Or what you feel she doesn’t do? It sounds like you’re projecting to me. You seem to be making a lot of assumptions.
Perhaps you had a step mother you didn’t like very much?

In answer to your question, my husband and I spend money on joint hobbies. Our relationship is incredibly important to us. Doing things together is incredibly important to us. We have a lot of holidays and travel for months at a time. We paddle board together; buy all the kit; go for meals; and put a lot of time and energy into our relationship. It’s a very rewarding way to live actually and I totally advocate for parents to stop subsidising adult kids and start prioritising themselves more.

Oh and for your information, if I wanted to guarantee a Mon and a Fri off work to babysit in the holidays, I’d need that built into my contracted hours. In my job, you couldn’t just have that time off in the school hols. So who exactly are you to comment on when op works, how often and how she could do more? Or whether 16 days is a lot.

I wonder how her husband would feel if she said ‘hey, I’m not going to babysit in the holidays anymore for your Sandra, because I’m going to go back full time - why don’t you drop two days a week instead so you are always guaranteed Mon and Fri off’?

You just can't win with this OP, there's far too much emotion caught up in it and him trying to compensate for the loss of mum/grandma.

Hopefully, once the children are older DD will get a better job, and won't lean so hard on DH.

ebut why do they need to continue lessons after they can swim 100m plus and rescue brick from bottom of pool. That's what the swim school said to my daughter( continue till finish primary ( nearly another 3 years)

100m or so is not that far in the grand scheme of things and probably not enough to help extract yourself or others from a dangerous situation, especially if the water you are in is subject to tides or strong currents. Being a confident swimmer is not just about enjoying holidays. I have had to rescue 'wild swimmers' / kids mucking about / people trying to rescue their dog in the summer from the river I row on because they completely underestimated the stream and overestimated their swimming abilities. It really can be a life saving skill.

I can understand the Spain trip and the Norfolk one, but I think the third holiday should be a couples get away. The swimming lessons should be until they start school (presumably in September for the older one). And in nice weather the Saturday lunch could be replaced with a picnic at the playground.

You sound like lovely grandparents and a close family unit.

I think you can tweak things so that you and your husband get a week away at somepoint in the year the two of you, without cutting down time/ number of trips.

For example you already pay for daughter and grandkids to go abroad to Spain by themselves. Does the abroad hol the 5 of you in Oct cost a fair bit? The prices will go up for that a lot as the kids get bigger. Why not switch that week you pay for you all to go abroad to a uk self catering week in Oct half term or even summer hols?

That might free up money for you and husband to take a week abroad together just the two of you out of term time? As you can get much better deals on a trip for 2 in term time.

I think you’re right to want a trip at some point each year just you and DH. Xxx

Separately, you need to reserve your own money for your own interests.

I feel like this is one of the biggest issues. Perhaps it is the fact that you aren't getting a couples holiday as opposed to the spending of money that bothers you. I get that.

You sound lucky to have the options to go away mentioned above. And a slightly more controversial idea to save money is you could take the kids term time. As long as their attendance is otherwise good (although u5 doesn't count anyways), I would go in term time and probably save yourself half the cost.

Sounds really lovely!

Some children get alot of pleasure from swimming and want improve their swimming ability. I don’t think everyone seems swimming as a thing to get “over and done with”.

Also as a pp has said, 100 m isn’t really that far.

Surely if OP went back to full time (not that she had to, but if she did) then the DD could just use holiday child care, or take some annual leave on those days. She wouldn’t have to drop down to three days a week herself for the entire year.

I mean, I don’t really mind what the op or her husband do - it’s their business and their set up sounds lovely.

My only really angle on the whole thing was that their money could do with separating out a bit so that each of OP and her DH have more control over their own spending/ priorities, and everyone could see things more clearly. But they all sound like very nice people. I just think the OP has fallen into a trap a bit of seeing herself and her DH as “one person” a bit for the purposes of finance, and I don’t think that works when one party has children (including adult children) - offspring maybe is the word I want - to think about.

Could ask you why you are having a dig at the daughter and the husband. As for assumptions - duh, we've all made assumptions on this thread, including you. And nope, no step mother at all. My parents are still happily married and celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary last year.

What you dont seem to be able to grasp is that this man enjoys spending money on his daughter and grandchildren. He gets pleasure from taking them (and the OP) on holiday. Just because you dont want that in your life doesn't make it wrong for him to want that. He also spends a lot of time with the OP, shes said it herself.

For your information, if i wanted some Mondays and Fridays off in school holidays then I could easily book it even last minute. Not all of us have such inflexible work environments. As to who am I to comment on it? Well, I am a poster on MN offering my opinion, exactly the same as you and everyone else on this website. As for commenting the OP could work more, well that's what many of us on this thread have suggested. It is afterall the obvious answer if someone is complaining about lack of money and is only working part-time.

As to your last point. Perhaps her husband would say, dont be daft I dont need to drop to part-time all year I'll just take leave. Or he could just tell his daughter she will need to arrange formal childcare now. Or, with the OP finally contributing financially fairly, he will have more free money and he could offer to cover the original childcare.

Anyway, doenst look like the OP is coming back and we (especially me and you) are just going round in circles. So im going to step away from this thread.

But then the parents can take them. Doesn't mean paid lessons need to be continued

And 100 metres is 4 lengths. Enought to be getting on with without drowning Don't need lessons to practice and build stamina

I’m sorry but this bit made me laugh…

‘other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe’

Other than the all inclusive holiday abroad every year, UK holiday, oh and some day trips, you don’t really go anywhere.

Treating your kids/grandkids is entirely normal. You’re not saying that you have to give her huge chunks of money to bail her out of stuff, you’re not having to buy uniforms and food shops. You’re treating her to go on holiday and paying for grandkids’ swimming lessons. I’m not going to count the Saturday lunch at a cafe as that’s just a nice weekly bonding activity that I note you never join in with.

You just sound resentful because it’s just his daughter to be honest and I’m sure you’d think nothing of treating your own child and grandchildren in this way if you had any. It’s entirely normal grandparent behaviour. Perhaps some bits are a bit extravagant but maybe he’s making up for previous years depending on when he and their mum split up and whatever the backstory is.

I’ve just finished the thread and the crux of it seems to be you resent the things that dad spends on daughter/grandkid because you want to go on holiday in June.

I’m sure an additional holiday would be lovely but it’s not worth building up resentment towards them over. You already have a yearly all inclusive holiday abroad plus a caravan trip. You also only work part time. If you took on another two days a week you’d easily be able to afford another trip. It seems really unfair to begrudge the person who works full time the opportunity to help his kid and grandkids when you’re voluntarily only working part time.

Doesn’t have to be but that’s a separate point.

I was responding to a post about why swimming lessons beyond being able to swim 100m was needed/ why lessons carry on beyond that.

Who then pays is separate to whether the lessons should happen, and is the actual point of the thread which has been discussed up hill and down dale.

It’s ok to want a holiday just the two of you.

It’s ok to open that conversation with your husband.

Probably not ok to frame that conversation around the amount of money being used for activities that benefit the daughter and grandchildren, in case your husband infers that you resent it. In fact, I think you’ll get further if you express your full support.

Just say you would love a holiday to xx destination with your husband around xx dates and see if you can work something out.

So you are working part time to care for the kids two days a week only during half term time along with weekly shopping and cleaning. That’s about 10-12 days of childcare excluding the summer and I’m assuming some of those days you are in Norfolk or she is in Spain. Surely you might be able to work full time and still be ok.

I get my food shop delivered by Ocado and it’s honestly quite reasonable and I always cost compare. It’s a super efficient way to live- haven’t spent more than 15 min in a grocery shop in years (for the odd milk or something). Seriously consider it.

Cleaning can be done in the evenings, especially if it’s just two of you in a small house and no kids. Your husband can help with that too. Cleaning should not run your life.

If you worked full time, I wonder if you could use PTO or unpaid time off (if PTO isn’t enough) to help with the kids over the hols? This way, you’ll have more in your pockets for an extra holiday.

I feel for your daughter as many young mums these days do rely on their own mums for help so I think it’s fab you’re stepping up. I just don’t think a need to food shop and clean for a small, adult household is reason enough to work PT.

Like others I think the issue is the OP working part time - if you worked even one more day a week you’d have more disposable income as a couple. It’s difficult to begrudge her DH spending on both OP and his DD when he is contributing twice as much to the household as OP is, and already works full time.

Do you have a good pension lined up OP? As you should really start working on that if not.

op said she babysits the gc on the days she doesn’t work

The swimming lessons won’t last forever, mine got bored with them eventually. I think one of the holidays could be cut back.the lunch is nice on Saturdays, the kids will always remember that fondly

Only during school holidays which works out at 16 half days over a year - if she was working im sure they’d be able to sort other arrangements for those days.

I would suggest only doing the Spain trip every 2nd year and also cut out the all inclusive holiday - or again maybe do alt years?

The GCs have only one grandparent in this country, no aunts and uncles, no cousins, all the family they have apart from mother and grandad are in Spain. I think therefore it's incredibly important for them to build and nurture those family links.