AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

This is the kind of sacrifice that people willingly make to improve the lives of their own adult dc and dgc but I'm not sure I'd sign up for subsidising somebody who wasn't blood to my own detriment.

I'm not sure what can be done. You could, as the pp suggested, rejig your bank accounts to create a theoretical division of your money and he might be forced to curb his spending but I don't think you can outrun the resentment that you will have that his 'we' is him and them and your 'we' is you and him.

The holidays that are currently paid for… are they during term time? If they are, this is the perfect time for you to raise the point that once both gdc are in school, holidays will have to be taken during school holidays. Which can easily double or triple the price. This needs to be looked at now.

I would separate finances and let him pay out of his share.

the holiday to Spain isn’t about a holiday - it’s about connection to her Mum, what a lovely thing for her Dad to continue to value

He’s spending money on ‘good’ things - time together, connections with family and roots, life skills. All things she presumably couldn’t afford otherwise. It would be different if it was just giving her random money while she lived a better lifestyle than you. I think your husband is a lovely dad and granddad.

However, if you as a couple can’t afford all of this, then it just needs an honest conversation about what is affordable and what your joint spending priorities are. Costs of everything have changed, you both presumably need to start planning for retirement. So you need to look at your budgets and spending and saving together.

So your step daughter’s mum died when she was 17. When she was 20 her dad got remarried (you don’t say if they were previously separated or he was widowed). She got a degree but then at age 22 had a child and then another child with a man she never sees. She does have a job.

Where does she live? She cannot have much disposable income though there is maintenance. Hopefully she will be able to progress to better paid work in due course.

It sounds like she and her dad are close and he’s stepping up to be a great role model and part of his GCs’ lives. He’s involved and ensures she gets a break, some time away and remains connected to family.

Maybe you feel a bit on the outside of all this? Hadn’t expected to be a family unit but more of a couple? That’s understandable but tbh I think you either distance yourself and your finances and attempt to live a bit more for yourself or you throw yourself into the family melting pot and accept that this is the family you’ve joined and you may as well be a wholehearted part of it. Assuming you all get on and you like the children and the daughter
of course, you have a different problem if not. A big extended family unit is a lovely thing if it’s what everyone wants.

But it may not be for you and that’s ok. I just don’t think you’ll get far if you ask your DH to stop spending money on his daughter and grandchildren.

ETA: but walks are free, many museums are free etc. You could find some cheap or free things to do. He is unreasonable if he gives you no time at all for the two of you.

No they are all already in school holidays as the eldest is already in reception and prior to this they were in the school nursery which was term time only anyway.

I don’t really mind the Norfolk trip or the holiday we all do together, I do view the children as my grandchildren, they call me grandma, and I enjoy time with them.
Maybe it is the Spain trip and the Saturday lunches which bother me.

Jealousy is not a good luck, they are his grandchildren after all. Do you think it will help your relationship if you “forbid” him to take his grandkids out for a cafe lunch? Poor woman is young and a single mum, let her have some support from her only living parent. She is clever, I’m sure she can earn more when both kids are at school. The holidays don’t sound extravagant to me.

So his daughter has more holidays paid for in a year than you do @Loisy ? I think it’s excessive. He sounds like lovely dad, but she gets a holiday to Norfolk, Spain and Greece paid for each year. In return you spend the two holidays you get with her and get none just yourself and your husband?

I think you two need to do some serious budgeting. If you have joint finances I’d not be happy with this situation. I’m a single parent, 2 kids and if my parent funded 3 holidays a year for me while they only got 2 I’d simply not accept them all, it’s too much.

The swimming lessons won’t go on forever. The holidays largely involve you too. The Saturday lunches out would irritate me the most, since you say that you rarely go out as a couple.

They’re nice things he’s doing but it does seem like it’s escalated a bit. The Norfolk holiday sounds fine. Maybe he could say he’ll pay for swimming lessons until they can do 4 lengths of decent front crawl or something rather than it just going on forever. The weekly Saturday lunch sounds unnecessary. Why can’t you take it in turns to eat at yours and hers on Saturday lunchtimes? The October holidays sound completely normal but obviously you can’t look for cheaper options/ short breaks/ every other year. I don’t understand why he is financing the annual trips to Spain though? Maybe that can be something she pays for herself if she wants to go. It’s tricky once something has been established though

The only way I can see this not causing resentment is to have separate finances and him funding this just out of his money.

Can the Spanish family house her vs Airbnb?
Are there any reduced rates on swim lessons for council employees?
When the weather is nice maybe a picnic vs Saturday lunch?

I think you are being somewhat unreasonable. He will want to provide for his daughter, whatever her age. Generosity is far more attractive than the opposite. And surely you benefit from most of these holidays or outings too?

The only one where I raised my eyebrows a little was the trip to Spain. An annual trip seems a little unnecessary, but hey ho.

Some of this will change anyway as the children get older and perhaps she will be able to improve her income in time. But she is working and sounds like a devoted mum in some tough circumstances, so I think there are a lot of blessings to count there.

Are you a single mother with a dead mother ?

My DH also has adult children he spends money on/gives money to regularly. The way we resolved it is that from what we collectively earn, we ring fence the same amount for each of us as spending money and the money he spends on his older kids comes out of this and/or savings he had from before we were together. Joint holidays I'm less bothered about since I and our shared children benefit from it too.

By definition if you can’t afford it and it negatively impacts your own relationship then it’s too much. You need to have a an honest conversation with him about his priorities.

Can you combine the Spain trip and the other trip? Means one less holiday. I’d wait until older for swim lessons, too young

I think you feel differently as they’re not your blood family, and I do understand that, we don’t have that instinct in us for other peoples kids

I think the Spain trip is for a few reasons, one being he thinks it’s what her mum would have wanted for her, apparently her mum worked really hard to make sure she was fluent in Spanish and close to her family, sadly her Spanish grandparents have passed but she has cousins and aunts/uncles she is close too.
I also think he just has lovely memories of taking his daughter to Spain often when she was little and wants that for his grandchildren.

I do feel she could maybe fund it herself or something. I’d just like for my DH and I to be able to go away in the summer, even if it’s just somewhere in the uk.

Can the grandchildren go to his on a Saturday and he cooks for them? The Spain and Norfolk trips sound lovely and important for them to keep in touch with family. Can you drop the AI as that sounds the most expensive.

Yes this is the way

G oing agasint the grain here.
paying for THREE holidays a year for your adult child and their TWO children is not 'normal'. And particularly not so if you have an average wage and live in a council house.
i'd try doing a very clear track of expenditure over the last year to see how much money is spent across different areas - food, bills, holidays for you, spend on his daughter. Just to get clarity.
But i'd be a bit 'meh'. UC is not insubstantial - my relative was getting as much as me with UC at one point and i was an above average earner. if dad pays for it all, it leaves little desire or incentive for daughter to work things out herself financially - he is bankrolling her
Doubt you'll get far but i also would be questioning it and thinking about how to support separation and autonomy, as well as supporting connection in ways that aren't necessarily going to leave you both short as you get older.

It sounds like fun! Why don’t you join in?

Agreed. Stepdaughter is a bit shameless with this one - I'd be quite embarrassed taking so much money from my dad that it was leaving him in this position. I was also a single (widowed) parent to two before getting remarried, and my parents helped me in lots of ways, but I also wouldn't have accepted this from them.