To want daughter to honour our agreement with new car

ForZanyTraybake · 2026-03-19T01:44:41+00:00

I was widowed recently and as I don't drive I bought my daughter a brand new car so that we could use it for shopping and she could go to work in it. After just a couple of months she's driving her boyfriend everywhere in it, he never takes her anywhere in his car, and she never takes me shopping anymore. Am I being unreasonable if I tell her I want her to stop driving him about and I want her to take me shopping so that I don't have to get cabs?

bridgetreilly · 19/03/2026 01:59

YABU about her driving her boyfriend around. But she needs to take you shopping as agreed, at planned times, and to other appointments as required.

patooties · 19/03/2026 02:04

Have you tried to learn to drive?

Farewelltothatid · 19/03/2026 02:06

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Being widowed is such a life changing and difficult experience - i'm a widow myself.

I also have an arrangement with my son's car whereby I paid half the cost of buying it and I pay half the cost of it's maintenance, insurance and tax. I did this originally because he otherwise wouldn't have been able to afford to buy and maintain a car. I don't drive and he always helps me with heavy shopping or giving me a lift somewhere when I need it, although generally I do manage using public transport where possible..

I think your DD is behaving in an incredibly selfish and uncaring way if she is failing to help you after you bought her the car. And especially given your recent loss. I think you should be having a conversation with her and reminding her why you bought her the car in the first place.

cannynotsay · 19/03/2026 02:38

More fool you, what you going to do when she moves out? Make arrangements with her in advance so she knows she has to hold her end up. You didn’t make sure she knew this and she agreed right? Otherwise you’re being unfair you can’t buy someone a car and expect them to be at your call all the time

Original poster

ForZanyTraybake · 19/03/2026 02:45

cannynotsay · 19/03/2026 02:38

More fool you, what you going to do when she moves out? Make arrangements with her in advance so she knows she has to hold her end up. You didn’t make sure she knew this and she agreed right? Otherwise you’re being unfair you can’t buy someone a car and expect them to be at your call all the time

She has no intention of moving out any time soon.

OP posts:

Eenameenadeeka · 19/03/2026 02:52

I definitely think she needs to take you shopping, since that was what was agreed to. Maybe she can still drive the boyfriend at times but doesn't seem right for her to always drive both of them.

ExOptimist · 19/03/2026 02:54

On the one hand, if she agreed to the terms of getting a new car, then she should certainly take you shopping etc. It's not on that you have to get taxis while she's got the car. Do you agree the shopping trips with her in advance?

On the other hand, if you've got a daughter living at home I assume you have been widowed quite young. Your daughter won't be living with you forever, if she's older than 18 you're lucky she's still there because she could be away at university.

You are going to have to rebuild your life alone and that means learning how to do things you didn't do before. It would be a good idea to learn how to drive then you'll have independence from having to take taxis to go shopping and be able to go anywhere you want.

I was widowed very young and had to learn some new skills, I could drive so that wasn't a problem, but for example I'd never used a drill or put up a shelf or curtain pole. It wasn't anything like as difficult as I anticipated.

RoyalPenguin · 19/03/2026 02:57

YANBU about her taking you to the shops, you need to remind her firmly that was part of the deal when you bought her the car.

I'm not sure why it's a problem that she drives her boyfriend around though?

Francestein · 19/03/2026 03:00

I would be taking the car back if she’s unwilling to help you out

AbzMoz · 19/03/2026 03:09

You should remind her about the agreement to take you shopping, but be clear and reasonable about frequency and timings for this. You cannot stop her driving the boyfriend or any other friend/herself around outside of this.

Is this just about the driving or as much about how she spends her time? ie She’s choosing to spend it with the bf and you feel lonely, which is entirely understandable given your loss.

WellOodelally · 19/03/2026 03:13

AbzMoz · 19/03/2026 03:09

You should remind her about the agreement to take you shopping, but be clear and reasonable about frequency and timings for this. You cannot stop her driving the boyfriend or any other friend/herself around outside of this.

Is this just about the driving or as much about how she spends her time? ie She’s choosing to spend it with the bf and you feel lonely, which is entirely understandable given your loss.

This.
I think clarity on what you mean by ‘never’ would be helpful? Is she not sticking to a pre agreed schedule, is she unwilling to do last minute trips, is she declining to drive for these trips at all etc?

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 19/03/2026 03:14

She should keep her word and do the shopping with you, but I don't think it's reasonable that you tell her she can't drive her boyfriend around. Unless you're paying for fuel?

Better still, why not take lessons, and you drive to the shops with her supervising as practice. Hopefully you'll be fully self sufficient by the time she's ready to move out.

cyclonethenext · 19/03/2026 03:14

She's definitely fine to drive her boyfriend around. Not your car, not your choice.

But she's definitely being unfair not taking you shopping as promised.

cyclonethenext · 19/03/2026 03:15

ForZanyTraybake · 19/03/2026 02:45

She has no intention of moving out any time soon.

Show quote history

You absolutely do not know that and should be making yourself as independent as possible for when she does leave.

Because she will.

And you will want that for her, of course, as any loving mother would.

Topseyt123 · 19/03/2026 03:55

You can't dictate that she doesn't drive her boyfriend around. That's wholly unreasonable of you. It's her choice.

You can remind her that taking you shopping was part of the deal when you bought the car.

However, how demanding are you being with the shopping trips? If it is just to go to the supermarket once a week then fine. If it is to go into town and go traipsing round the shops for hours on end every weekend in addition to that then that could be too much. Do you demand other things from her too and are you sure you are not crossing the line here, trying to make her into your own personal taxi service?

Do you live in an area with good public transport or somewhere rural with virtually none? That could have a bearing too on things if you don't drive, whatever your reasons for that are.

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 19/03/2026 04:40

YANBU about her not sticking to the agreement and taking you shopping.

What's the issue with driving her boyfriend around though?

LBFseBrom · 19/03/2026 04:41

Why do you need to be taken shopping, can you not shop alone or are the shops very far away?

PollyBell · 19/03/2026 04:45

Mmmchocolatebuttons · 19/03/2026 04:40

YANBU about her not sticking to the agreement and taking you shopping.

What's the issue with driving her boyfriend around though?

This but thinking more maybe it just the way it comes across to me and I accept i may only be the one thinking this but the car offer comes across more as controlling than a mutual offer that works for both of you

McSpoot · 19/03/2026 04:48

What was the agreement? Specifics or just a vague agreement to drive you places? Was the boyfriend mentioned in the agreement/discussions?

givemesteel · 19/03/2026 04:52

I am sorry for your loss OP.

However, I think your decision to do this with your daughter was doomed to fail and will build resentment with both of you. It's not sustainable and nor should it be.

Assuming your daughter is in her 20s that probably puts you in your mid 50-early 60s? You still have a whole life ahead of you. You need to learn to drive (it's really easy to drive an automatic, it's basically a go cart). Or you need to move to an area where you don't need a car. The answer is not to rely on your daughter who has her own life.

Whatever is best for you I don't know. But this is not really about having to take cabs. I suspect it's more to do with fear of having to do these things by yourself? Completely understandable but you need to rebuild a life for yourself that's independent of your daughter as you want her to be independent to surely as soon as possible?

Katflapkit · 19/03/2026 05:04

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP. You had an agreement with your daughter and it's not happening.

You need to sit down with your daughter and come up with some sort of a schedule. Remind her of the original deal. Perhaps it's a misunderstanding, you are waiting to be asked and she is waiting for you to ask. Say every every Thursday night or early Saturday, whatever suits she can take you for a big shop. Don't mention the boyfriend as she will go on the defensive.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 19/03/2026 05:06

I haven’t voted as I think it’s a mix

YABU about the driving the boyfriend around - as long as you aren’t paying for petrol

YANBU - about her driving you to get the shopping. I would give her options either she keeps the deal with you to drive you around or you will have to increase rent to help cover your increased outgoings since she has gone back on her word.

*edit for typos

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 19/03/2026 05:08

ForZanyTraybake · 19/03/2026 02:45

She has no intention of moving out any time soon.

Show quote history

That’s a bit of a daft take tbh. Circumstances change for people.

I think giving a gift with conditions is always a bad idea. How often were you expecting “to go shopping”?

is there any reason you can’t learn to drive yourself, or order your groceries online?

Theonebutnotonly · 19/03/2026 05:31

Did she actually agree before you bought her the car that she would take you shopping, or was it just what you thought or assumed?

Could it be that it’s the timing of the shopping trips that she objects to, if you aren’t giving her any choice of times?

She is unreasonable and ungrateful not to take you shopping as long as you consult on the timing. But you gave her the car so it is now hers, like any other gift, so I can’t see the problem with her driving her boyfriend around. Are you sure it’s not just that you don’t like her boyfriend or don’t like her spending so much time with him?

firstofallimadelight · 19/03/2026 05:37

Don’t mention the boyfriend but remind her a condition of the car is that she drives you to shopping/ appointments. Maybe have a set day once a week for shopping.
Are you paying costs of car? I wouldn’t cover petrol for them driving round together.