To want daughter to honour our agreement with new car

[ForZanyTraybake]

I was widowed recently and as I don't drive I bought my daughter a brand new car so that we could use it for shopping and she could go to work in it. After just a couple of months she's driving her boyfriend everywhere in it, he never takes her anywhere in his car, and she never takes me shopping anymore. Am I being unreasonable if I tell her I want her to stop driving him about and I want her to take me shopping so that I don't have to get cabs?

I'm not sure why you want to be so dependent on your daughter, OP? She won't always be there, and you will have to manage by yourself. And I don't understand what's wrong with taking cabs?
If the two of you can't agree, sell the car and just use the money for taxis..... which will give you back your independence, and I call that a result!

OP epilepsy is only a barrier to driving if it's uncontrolled? ONce you're on meds and are seizure free for 12 months you're fine.

Sorry if I've missed this in earlier discussion, but are you sure that she is always driving the boyfriend, and that he doesn't get into the driving seat as soon as they are out of sight?

If he is driving, either make it clear that this is a complete no-no, or make sure that he is insured, this is quite serious.

Who is paying for petrol, insurance, maintenance etc?

Do you have an agreed weekly time to do the shopping, or do you just tell her at some point you want to go today? Presumably it would need to fit in with your DDs work/study commitments?

You need to learn how to do an online supermarket shop - you really can't expect her to be around for ever. She could move out at any time.

Assuming you bought the car for her to use as she chooses with the proviso that she takes you shopping when you need to go, then you need to forget the boyfriend part as irrelevant and concentrate on the shopping issue, she isn't holding up her side of the bargain.

Why is she not taking you? Is she not there to do it, or do you ask her and she refuses? Do you have set times/days when you usually go shopping?

You need to speak up @ForZanyTraybake

remind her of the agreement, that you need to shop once a week and if she’s not going to do this, you’ll get rid of the car and call yourself a taxi.

tell her what day you’re wanting to go and stick to it.

Then have a conversation whereby she agrees to take you shopping once a week as agreed or you sell it. Have you had this conversation? You seem to be answering some people’s questions but not others.

Her driving when she goes out with her boyfriend wouldn’t bother me. Maybe her car is nicer or more reliable than his?

You need to talk to her. Just say you're feeling a little disappointed that she isn't helping you as she said she would. And if she is resentful about doing it, then sell the car and she can sort her own out.

Have you considered communicating with your daughter and reminding her that YOU bought the car so she could take YOU shopping to buy food and products to feed her, do her laundry and keep her home clean?

If all else fails declare the car as SORN……you being the registered owner can do that…….anyone driving it will be breaking the law as it won’t be taxed! Spiteful, I know but hey ho!

Op you do not seem to really be answering questions around dependency on your DD, so I suspect ypu know the answer there.

I see no reason why your DD can't go out in the car with her BF, unless a) it means she is blowing off a prior arrangement with you, or b) you are paying for all the petrol (in which case stop!). When you say "shopping", do you mean a weekly trip to the supermarket, an hour and a half tops, at a time mutually convienent to you both, or do you mean you want her to spend a whole day with you in a town centre? The former I think is reasonable to ask of someone living with you, but the latter is really eating into any independence she has.

Honestly, a gift with strings attached is not a gift at all. You need to speak with your daughter, but ultimately you cannot rely on her to be your personal taxi. It simply isn't a fair demand on her time. Food shops can be done easily online, and maybe the car needs to be sold and she buys herself a cheap run around.

I'm sorry to you both for the loss of your husband/her father.

You don’t know she’s doing that. All you know is that she bought a car which her daughter has use of with the understanding that the daughter would take her shopping. If OP requires her daughter to be at her beck and call whenever she wants transport then OP is being unreasonable. If she wants her daughter to keep to an agreement to take her to the shops once a week then she isn’t being unreasonable. We don’t know which it is. Ultimately OP might be better off selling the car and paying for taxis. Who pays the tax and insurance on the car?

As it's in your name, tell her as you aren't benefiting by owning it, you are planning on selling to fund your taxis.

She bought her daughter a car and has asked for some lifts as she can’t drive.

That is not “casting the entire burden of one's existence onto someone else.”

A little sympathy would be appropriate not your harsh words.

As the car is registered in your name, just tell her you are selling it as she isn’t honouring your agreement.

Then actually do it.

Get the car back and sell it.

Ubers are cheap, gp and shopping and spend your money on you.

I’ve voted yabu as she can drive whoever she wants in the car. But she does need to stick to the agreement of taking you shopping.

If my mother had epilepsy and wasn't able to drive I'd be taking her shopping in my own car let alone one that was bought for me. Has she given a reason for not doing it anymore?

This is a very good idea. i think you know you are not being unreasonable about the shopping trips, though what else she uses it for is up to her.
Are you more looking for how to address this with her?
I think perhaps you have already had a moan at her about driving him about instead of you. You need to separate those thoughts out because she can and will have boyfriends and talking about yourself as in competition with him for her time and affection makes you the bad guy.
Just be the loving mum who needs lifts to get the shopping and your DD will be much more willing. Completely get off her case about the bf.

I'd tell her you are selling the car. I'd explain that the point was so that she would (as agreed) take you shopping however you have ended up paying for taxis to shop so there is no point to you owning a car. You want the money to pay for your taxis.

Tbh, I typed out owner and thought keeper was the proper name. So fair enough.

But if it was a gift, it's theirs. If it's a conditional gift, would that have needed to be put in writing at the time?

People have said take the car back, but legally, can she?

You might as well sell it and pay for taxi's and that's what I would be telling her.

OP - did you know WARREN BUFFET said '' Never by a new car'' - as it is a very bad investment and loses about 30% of value when you drive it out the show room garage?

what does that have to do with this?

Just caught up with your updates. No, you're not being unreasonable. I hope you get it sorted.

As it happens , OP is also the registered keeper. With , presumably , proof of payment. So there is probably no issue as a gift would also include making daughter the registered keeper. However, it’s worth bearing in mind if you buy a car to lend out..get it in writing that it’s not a gift, but a loan.