To want daughter to honour our agreement with new car

[ForZanyTraybake]

I was widowed recently and as I don't drive I bought my daughter a brand new car so that we could use it for shopping and she could go to work in it. After just a couple of months she's driving her boyfriend everywhere in it, he never takes her anywhere in his car, and she never takes me shopping anymore. Am I being unreasonable if I tell her I want her to stop driving him about and I want her to take me shopping so that I don't have to get cabs?

I agree. That was my second point.

Now OP has confirmed she’s the registered owner of the car and she can’t/prefers not to drive due to a medical condition, then all the more reason for her DD to honour the agreement on use of the car OP owns, within reason (i.e. at prearranged, mutually convenient times, rather than being at her mum’s beck and call).

If she won’t, then OP needs an alternative solution, such as she sells the car, either to her DD or someone else, and uses her money for alternative transport (e.g. taxi) or shops online. And DD pays reasonable rent and bills.

Increase her rent and use the money for taxis instead. Unless you pre agreed e.g that she'll take you to Asda every week on Friday at 10am it's unfair of you to be so reliant on her on an ad hoc basis.

It can be. In the days before online shopping I sometimes took an acquaintance of mine to do her supermarket shop. I never begrudged the forty-minute round trip, but I did get very fed up with trailing round the shop with her while she dithered and faffed for an hour about how many meals she could get out of a piece of haddock or which of 500 identical tins of baked beans to take. Waiting in the car was a better strategy, but it did mean the expedition took even longer.

I have limited sympathy for people who let someone else do everything for them, then find themselves stranded when that person is no longer around to do it.

Fine but that’s not an accurate representation of OPs issue. Other than unkind and harsh comments do you have anything helpful to add?

Do your own shopping at the same time.

It can be. In the days before online shopping I sometimes took an acquaintance of mine to do her supermarket shop....

But the dd isn't just an acquaintance. She shares a home with the op. Assuming the shopping is the regular household shop, it's for her benefit too. She should be sharing the job.

Maybe op should just give her the list and leave her to it. She might get the idea when she finds there's no coffee or loo roll.

Can she not do both?

If she agreed to take you shopping once per week to get a car, as you say, then she needs to live up to her side. Give her a day and time for your shopping trip, what is that an hour, two tops per week? and tell her you will be happy for her to use the car however she chooses outside of that.

Maybe one agreed appointment per month on top of that if it comes up.

Is that your expectation @ForZanyTraybake sometimes if boundaries are not absolutely clear these things have a tendency for creeping and creep makes them unsustainable.

Clarity is your friend here.

Honestly that depends if it’s Tesco once a week or a list of different shops you want/need to pop to that swallows much of a day off.

Regardless, if her taxiing you around was a condition of her having a new car, and the time taken in doing so hasn’t increased since the agreement, then yes she should honour it.

I note your update about not being able to drive.

It does make a difference if you expected her to take you solely food shopping or if you wanted her to take you wherever you wanted to go.

I live 10 miles outside a city but with terrible public transport. I couldn't even get to my local 3 miles away Sainsbury's on a bus. Thinking about some instances when I've used my car in the past week I've gone to that supermarket, gone to cinema, gone to the theatre, gone to b&q, gone to a garden centre, visited my son 10 miles away, gone to a restaurant, collected and picked up my grandchild from school, visited a friend 5 miles away. Not one of those things is possible by public transport apart from possibly the b&q, but it would mean going into the city and out again and take 2 hours each way instead of a 20 minute drive. Also how could I carry 4 bags of slate chippings.

If I was in your position it would have been outrageous of me to expect someone else to drive me to all those places.

I think you need to agree with your daughter how many trips a week she should be available for. If she can't agree then sell the car and use the money for taxis.

But if you live somewhere where online supermarket shopping available then you should at least switch to that in any case.

It sounds like it was a voluntary arrangement that benefited each of you, and was discussed and agreed without anyone being coerced or forced. If the deal was that she would take you to do certain recurring tasks like grocery shopping then I think it's fair to assume that unless otherwise agreed she would be roughly the same frequency and duration that you went before - but if not discussed in detail she may not have known what that was. Can you set a schedule for when she takes you where and for how long that works for both of you? Her doing the things she agreed to is necessary and it is not unreasonable to expect them, just try to be flexible within reason and make sure you both agree on exactly what's expected.

I wouldn't expect her not to drive her boyfriend or anyone else, unless you placed conditions like that clearly before buying the car for her. She just needs to work that in around her scheduled obligations to you once those are clear and agreed.

Whose name is the car in? If yours, I suggest you sell it and take taxis.

What was the agreement?
Shopping once a week or driving you to wherever you may want to go.
I think committing to a once a week shop is perfectly reasonable but being expected to do multiple trips on someone else's timetable was never going to work. It's difficult from your op to gauge what the expectation was.
I think it's unreasonable to tell dd she can't drive her boyfriend around in any case.

My mother lived into her 90s and I admit I did feel irritable at times when taking her shopping but I tried to distract myself and hide it. I don’t think a weekly shopping trip is a bad exchange for the use of a new reliable car. That said, this arrangement isn’t working and if I were OP I would sell the car and tell my daughter that I had decided it would be better for me to use the money for taxis so I could be more independent and go out whenever I wanted. I’m mid 70s now and I find going to the supermarket a faff so I do a fortnightly online shop and just top up a bit if needed in between. If I were OP I would do that and use the taxis for more pleasant outings. I do drive but I am starting to hate it.

I agree. It would have been a lot cheaper to spend money on taxis and not on a car that is losing value.

I’m sorry for your loss and I understand you were probably grieving when you made this mistake and nobody could blame you for that.

I don't think her driving about is an issue if she is paying the insurance, tax and petrol.
As to your shopping make a time each week you want to go so she has set time to take you and pick you up.

As usual all the ableist posters are out in force.
i have multiple disabilities and will never be able to drive. I would be lethal on the roads yet I lose count of the amount of people who tell me how much easier my life would be, how much freedom it would give me etc.
even before OP’s health update, there’s no need for multiple posters to suggest that someone could consider learning to drive.
by the time someone has reached adulthood and not learned to drive or have a driving licence , there’s usually a very good reason and the non driver will have explored al possible options.
so many patronising posts on here.
@ForZanyTraybake , sorry for your loss and sorry you feel disappointed by your daughter.
as I said, I don’t drive, but I do have regular grocery deliveries an make use of online shopping, despite my concerns for the environment etc I use whatever I can to be as independent as possible.
sadly it reduces some of my options but means I am never dependent on someone else.
i have had many offers over the years for similar arrangements to yours with your daughter but I have been let down last minute more than once for important things such as hospital appointments etc I now prefer to make my own arrangements even if it means expensive taxis etc.

Is the car you bought in your daughters name ?
Does your daughter tax,insure and fuel it?
What was your specific agreement with your daughter regarding the car and the terms and conditions of its use.
Eg:1. if the car is in her name and she is the registered keeper/owner and she taxes,insure and fuels it .......you are in a tricky positionif your daughter wont honour a verbal agreement to give you lifts to the shops.
If on the other hand 2.the car is register in your name and shes just a named driver and you tax,insure and fuel it ,you could say you will sell it if your dd doesnt honour the terms of it use.
If its 1. I'm sorry you've been had by your own DD and all you can do is learn from your mistake.....

If the agreement of you purchasing the car was that she would take you shopping then YANBU. I am guessing if she lives with you then she benefits from the shopping you do? She benefits from having a car and the freedom that brings. As long as she is putting the petrol in the car then I guess it's her business if she drives her bf who has his own car around although tbh it makes her a bit of a mug. You could get tough and tell her you need to sell the car and use the money for taxis

Also I think you should ignore all the comments suggesting you should learn to drive, it's no ones damn business why you don't drive! I can see you did update to say you have epilepsy which was your choice to do that. There is nothing more annoying than someone saying "you should learn to drive, you will have your independence" etc etc. Nothing grinds my gears (no pun intended) more than this. Anyone who knows anything about epilepsy would know it's not one size fits all, it's not a case of taking a few pills and being seizure free for 12 months. Its far more complex than that, ok rant over. I hope you sort it with your daughter OP.

What does she say when you've raised her not taking you shopping as you'd agreed?

What is it about her driving her boyfriend around that you don't like? Is it wear and tear on the car? (How much is she driving him?!) Or is it that she's not available?

There are two separate points here. The op needs a long term plan as she can’t expect to rely on her daughter to get anywhere. The daughter is an entitled cheeky fucker just taking the car and running with it.

As with so many things, the devil is in the detail here.

How many times would the OP like her daughter to take her, how much notice does she give etc.