To want daughter to honour our agreement with new car

[ForZanyTraybake]

I was widowed recently and as I don't drive I bought my daughter a brand new car so that we could use it for shopping and she could go to work in it. After just a couple of months she's driving her boyfriend everywhere in it, he never takes her anywhere in his car, and she never takes me shopping anymore. Am I being unreasonable if I tell her I want her to stop driving him about and I want her to take me shopping so that I don't have to get cabs?

Would be interesting to know roughly how old you both are OP. Others seem to be reading it as you being widowed young. I wondered if perhaps DD has been at home a long time already and you're retired, as you don't mention work travel yourself. I think you might get better advice if we knew more about your circumstances.

Completely reasonable to say she has to keep to the agreement of the shopping. However not reasonable to control the rest of the car usage unless you are paying for fuel or maintenance. To be honest, unless you are paying for these things, you sound controlling. Your daughter has her own life, she doesn't need to be at your beck and call all the time.

Learn to drive. I would hate to be reliant in this way.

Why is that relevant? If the agreement was the OP buys daughter a car on the proviso that the daughter takes OP shopping three times a week, then it is totally irrelevant how far away the shops are! Alternatively, (following your logic) sell the car, and use the money for OP to get taxis wherever she wants to go. The daughter will no longer have a car and everyone is happy. Do you see how that makes the situation worse for everyone?

Why can’t you drive? This is insane to me that if you physically can, that you wouldn’t want the freedom of being able to drive yourself anywhere from now on.
you could go to the beach or the library or anywhere you like by yourself.

To me it’s like you were buying your daughters time with you. Drive yourself (if physically able)

The dd seems perfectly happy to be reliant on the car her mother paid for.

Go shopping at a regular time every week which she agrees to. She can't be at your beck and call but equally you shouldn't be using cabs.

I would simply stop shopping . Make sure you have some snacks hidden in your room but I would go without meals for a few days so that she realise if she doesn’t take you shopping , there will be no food in the house . I would also stop doing things for her such as laundry.

You tell her if she wants to keep the car she needs to keep her word & do the lifts. If not you will sell the car.

She should stick to the agreement to take you shopping as long as you stick to agreed times and don’t keep asking to go at short notice. I think YABU about not liking her going out with her boyfriend in the car. I would remind her of the agreement you made when you got the car and arrange a regular time to go to the supermarket weekly. I wouldn’t mention the boyfriend.

We don’t know how old OP is or how confident she is about driving. There are plenty of posts on MN saying that older people who aren’t confident zooming around busy motorways shouldn’t be driving at all.

YANBU. So what should you do?
Talk to her about it. If things don't change then largely I agree with post.

Is the car in your name? If so, she can't drive it without your permission.
If its in her name, I suggest that the two of you arrange to have it transferred to your name.

But sooner or later, you're going to have to become more self-sufficient. You can't expect her to drive you around forever, just because you're a widow.

The dd seems perfectly happy to be reliant on the car her mother paid for.

And the boyfriend. Why doesn't he learn to drive?

As the dd lives with op, I suppose the shopping also benefits her and includes bulky or heavy items such as loo rolls or washing powder. She should at least be taking a turn at doing the weekly shop.

She will at some point to live her own life and you will be that much furthur along the line. I was never going to stay at home into my 30's to give my mum compainionship I doubt many people would tbh.

My aunt (60ish)'s husband died and he always did the driving. She has a driver's license but is too scared and now her social life is really limited, because other people were compassionate initially but feel she really needs to sort herself out by this point.

Don't be like my aunt, sort it out.

Not always as easy to do that. Beyond the test there is the up keep and running costs of a car, not everyone can afford it. Having said that OP is a bit vague whse name is it in? Who pays for upkeep petrol, insurance etc. How old is d ? OP said she won't be moving out yet.
More to thepoint why isn't the bf using his car? Is he a cf not wanting to pay for petrol etc on his car or is he banned from driving at present? D is a bit of a mug whichever way you look at it if he's taking the piss, she knows it but is a doormat for him regardless.

The cf does drive and has a car., its d who drives him around in hers.

So what’s she said when you’ve asked her to take you shopping? Do you have a set day for this?

I didn’t pass my test until late in life, would you be willing to learn to drive OP? The best bit about driving is being able to do what you want when you want and not having to rely on anyone to take you anywhere.

Surely you just remind her of the agreement? I don't understand posts like this, are you frightened of your daughter and don't want to ask? I wouldn't hesitate and I wouldn't worry if I was unreasonable. A deal is a deal.

If the car belongs to your DD and she pays for all the petrol, associated costs etc, then she can use it for whatever she likes.

If you agreed to pay for the car on the basis she takes you shopping in it, then she should honour that agreement. Would it help to have a set day and time that suits you both? So the expectations are clear.

Most people don’t rely on others to take them shopping, unless they’re disabled or too unwell or infirm to go alone. Can you shop online? Or go by bus, with a shopping trolley? Cycle? Or ask your DD to pay you back for the car by instalments and spend that money on taxis? Or learn to drive and then take over the car yourself?

Why not just ask or tell her when you want a lift to do the shopping. If she won’t take you sell the car and use the money for taxis

You did this the wrong way around.

My elderly mom doesn't drive, but she does own a car.. the idea being that its used to take her where she needs to go.

I lived with her for a while, i still had my own car to do my own stuff in, but any time i was taking mom places as a chauffeur essentially, i drove her car.

You need to reiterate with your DD about the rules on the car, and if you're the legal owner on the deeds/you paid for it, take the keys back until she understands that.