To want daughter to honour our agreement with new car

[ForZanyTraybake]

I was widowed recently and as I don't drive I bought my daughter a brand new car so that we could use it for shopping and she could go to work in it. After just a couple of months she's driving her boyfriend everywhere in it, he never takes her anywhere in his car, and she never takes me shopping anymore. Am I being unreasonable if I tell her I want her to stop driving him about and I want her to take me shopping so that I don't have to get cabs?

You should insist she takes you shopping in it. It would have been better if you'd used the money to take taxis for when you go shopping and maybe given her some money (nowhere near the price of a new car!) to buy a second hand car if she really needs one to get to work. The new car is obviously far too nice!

Whose name is on the car?

It's bad of her to not stick to the agreement which was a very good deal for her. Giving you a lift a couple of times a week is hardly much effort. She even lives with you and I bet you don't charge much rent.

However you can't make her. If you ask and she says no there isn't much you can do except something quite nuclear like boot her out and sell the car (even if she is registered owner, you may have agreed it's "yours" rather than a gift).

Maybe a middle ground is that she takes over all the running costs if she's not covering them already and pays you something to "buy the car" off you.

Is it still an option for you to learn to drive. You really should if you can.

You ca insist she takes you shopping once a week, or you’ll be getting a delivery that doesn’t include anything she needs, but what’s the problem with her driving her boyfriend? Trying to stop
that for no reason is just controlling.

As another widow, the last paragraph resonates with me. There are things in any relationship that get left for one partner. For us it was anything to do with the computer since my late husband taught IT. I’m really proud of myself for learning (through googling) to fix every computer-related issue that has arisen since he died.
Version 2 of your life may not be what you would have chosen, but it doesn’t have to be rubbish. Having a driving licence would enhance your life, like learning to fix printers and computer problems has enhanced mine. Give it a go.

Do you give her much notice of when you want to go shopping? She shouldn't have to drop everything or change plans.
But, her getting the new car was part of an agreement, so you should plan when you need a lift.
Her driving her boyfriend around has nothing to do with you though, why's is an issue?

Is the car in your name? I hope so! Then you say I’ve been thinking if I sell the car I can use the money to get a taxi to go shopping every week for approximately 3 years. So that’s my plan at the moment if you can’t find the time.

You’ve done a wonderful thing in giving your daughter a car. It gives her that bit more independence and freedom. At the moment, she’s really enjoying it, which is to be expected.

The thing about conditional gifting is that it can cause resentment. You need to tread carefully because she might interpret your ‘you owe me’ as being controlling. I also suspect you worry about being on your own if/when your daughter is occupied. You are not alone in that. All of us mothers (apart from the nutty ones who have made their children dependent) go through a period where we feel torn in two: desperately missing our adult children, yet trying to remember that it is the right thing they spread their wings and fly the nest.

I’d wait a few weeks until the novelty wears off. Then just ask if she can take you shopping. See how it goes.

Ignore the boyfriend.

Remind her and tell her if she doesnt honour the agreement...
you will sell it and put the 30k in the bank and use the interest pay for your taxis.

How old is your daughter?

Unless the car is in your name and you can sell it, put her contribution to household bills up to accommodate your cabs. You've done a nice thing for her, she's treating you like you don't matter, while living in your house and driving around in the car you bought her.

I think a lot of this depends on daughter's age, what was agreed in terms of shopping and who is paying to run the car.

I don't think you can pick and choose who she chooses to drive around in the car, that is controlling as you said it is her car.

If you had said it was on the condition of being able to go shopping in it then you need to agree to when this takes place. Was your expectation she took you whenever you asked? How often do you want to go?
I understand doing a weekly shop and wanting her to take you to do this, but if you are wanting to go to the shops several times a week then this is going to be annoying for your daughter having to presumably work (or study if a student) and then be at your beck and call.

I think others are right and maybe due to sadness and loneliness you hoped adding these conditions would mean she was available for you rather than going out more. You need to look at what you can do so you aren't reliant on her.

Do you also pay the tax and insurance on the car? If so, stop doing that unless you're getting some benefit from the vehicle.

Aside from that, you need to plan for getting out more without your DD's help. One day she will move out and will have her own life to lead. You can't depend on her to be your carer, taking you shopping and to appointments. It would be nice if she did some of that now, with the recent loss of your DH, but to expect it indefinitely would not be appropriate. I'm sorry for your loss OP. I lost my DH 18 months ago, but I refuse to rely on my young adult DDs to enable my life.

I think as long as the shopping trips or appointments are agreed at a reasonable level of advance notice, you're not being unreasonable. Buying a car doesn't buy you an on-call driver however, and her driving her boyfriend around makes no difference provided she isn't reneging on a commitment with you.

Is there a reason you don't drive?

Tell her you plan to sell the car to pay for taxis.

Well either accept the way things are and fo online grocery shopping delivered to your door. Or set one day a week for your DD to take you shopping. But you can't dictate who she drives around in her car.

Sorry for your loss💐

Agree with a few others here, can you consider learning to drive?

Your daughter sounds selfish to me, what you're asking for is a very basic level of filial reciprocity. I know the UK doesn't encourage this, but I think what you're asking for is extremely reasonable.

Getting a whole new car bought for you isn't a small thing. And she can't even be arsed to give her mum the occasional lift here and there? Out of basic love and concern and yes gratitude, if nothing else.

She's got a good deal. Does she pay rent? Bills? How much does she contribute overall?

I don't drive either OP I've never wanted to, but the suggestion up thread to learn might not be a bad idea. You might try a few lessons, you don't have to put pressure on yourself about taking tests or anything. Take a few lessons and see if it's something you want to pursue. You could then potentially share the car (not that that might go down well)

I'm suggesting it because sadly, your daughter does not seem like the type who is going to be there in a significant way should you get ill or anything.

I personally would have it out with her, and I wouldn't care about any fallout. I know new boyfriends can be distracting, but family is important too. That said, do not criticise her spending time with her BF. But do express your disappointment of her overlooking to support you in what are fairly average expectations of help.

I suspect - suspect mind you, that you are paying for everything, on the initial premise that she does the driving to enable you to get to the shops. On the face of it, that original arrangement sounds very reasonable, given each of you can work around each others schedule.

If you are covering all of the cars expenses, then your daughter is taking libertys at the regular driving the boyfriend around, very convenient for him and quite a saving, no wonder he is happy with the situation.

If no compromise with yr daughter can be found, do what has been suggested upthread, sell the car and use the proceeds for taxis. Not up to you to fund the boyfriend’s travel, who I suggest is getting more out of the deal than you are!

Are you expecting her to take you food shopping once a week (reasonable) or expecting her to take you out to shops every other day or similar (not reasonable). Is it just 30 minutes once per week or are you wanting to wander round for ages several times a week? If it's the latter you will push your daughter away if you are needing her to keep you company, keep you entertained whilst dressing this up in terms of needing a lift.

You can't dictate what she does with her boyfriend. You can insist that she sticks to what she explicitly agreed to before the car purchase but how much of what you are wanting was explicitly discussed and negotiated? Have you assumed that she would automatically understand that the car was bought on the understanding that this would oblogate her into a chauffeur role? If she assumed it was a no-strings-attached gift then her behaviour isn't unreasonable.

How does the shopping work? Are you asking her and she says no, or is there an agreed slot that she's meant to be available Thursday evenings and isn't, or are you expecting her to proactively offer?

Why should she? She’s made an arrangement with her dd that she agreed to and should be keeping to.