AIBU to think this punishment is unreasonable?

[teamaven]

This is probably going to be divisive 💀 not looking for any judgment, only opinions.

My DD has just turned 5. I got a message from her teacher to say that at playtime, a child (boy also aged 5) had snatched some flowers off my daughter that she had picked at playtime. My daughter in turn hit the child, and therefore was to lose the next day’s lunchtime play. I will just add that she is not violent and this up until now has been a one off.

My first reaction was a bit horrified that she would hit someone and I was disappointed.

However, the first reaction of multiple family members have been ‘well they shouldn’t have snatched her flowers off of her, there you go’. My family is very well respected, especially my dad who is very professional so I was a bit shocked he would say this! But after much thought 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤷🏼‍♀️. At the least I think both children should have been told off in this situation.

What are your opinions - before I draft my reply to the teacher?

At the end of the day, your child hit another child and needs to see consequences to those actions.

Drafting a reply suggesting otherwise is basically condoning violent behaviour.

How does that logic translate when she’s in her 20’s? That’s it ok to hit someone if they snatch? Come on now…

If you re-read the post, I agreed. But I think both children should have been told off.

They may well have both been told off, but school won't tell you about another child

I think you should just reply thank you for letting you know, you support the sanction and will reinforce at home with DD that hitting someone who has snatched from you is not appropriate, and if it happens to her again she is to tell the teacher.

FFS, please don’t be ‘that’ parent and no one will really care how well respected your family are.

Just tell your child to tell the teacher if someone snatches something and let them deal with it. If you and your family teach your daughter it’s ok to hit another child over something as simple as snatching stuff, then she’ll end up with far more punishments in the future.

Totally different if the other child had hit your daughter first.

I don’t think snatching some flowers requires much telling off, and I would be pretty certain the child had already been told that it was not kind.

what is the point in pushing for him to be told off really? He’s already been smacked one

Your family is telling you what they think you want go hear-as friends and family often do!
Was she allowed to pick the flowers-surely they are they are there for everyone to enjoy?
Of course she can't go round hitting other children!

She hit someone. She should be punished.
Yes the boy snatched something. She should still not have hit him.
Ideally he should also be spoken to and told it’s wrong to snatch. But she should be the one who is punished.

Your child’s punishment is appropriate.
The other child most likely got a “we don’t snatch off people, we ask and use our manners…”.
I wouldn’t be emailing the school anything.

2 wrongs don’t make a right.

What have you done to teach your DD the correct way to deal with it?

using her words to communicate her disgust and requesting the flowers back and reporting to an adult if she needs support or resolve the situation.?

You cannot control
someone else’s actions - but you can control your reaction to it.

your dad being a respected professional doesn’t make yours DDs physical aggression acceptable 😕

How do you know the other child wasn't also told off/reprimanded/punished?

As I understand it, schools don't tell parents the details of how other children have been dealt with for confidentiality reasons.

Snatching is a very minor behaviour and would require a verbal reprimand at best. Hitting is not okay and your daughter needs a clear and consistent message or she will repeat it.

The other child was probably told off, you just haven’t been given that information as you’re not their parent.

These things are part of the course at school. My son has been reprimanded for sticking up for himself and he has also been the instigator. You know what’s happened? He stopped laying his hands on another child despite who did or didn’t start it. I don’t completely agree with children that age losing playtime as they need that time to let off steam, but it does seem to be the common consequence when things like this happen.

The punishment of missing playtime is not unreasonable. Your child hit another child, that is the punishment for hitting. Someone snatched from her but that isn’t a reason to hit. If the roles were reversed and your daughter snatched and was hit in return would your reaction be to shrug?

Yes, the other child should be told not to snatch but you can’t impose that and the school can’t tell you about what action they have taken with another child.

How do you know that the other child hasn’t been spoken to about snatching? You don’t. The school will not inform you of any sanctions given to another child, only to yours. Yes, snatching is wrong but hitting is not the correct response and requires a sanction.

Your child hit another child. In the school I teach in , whatever the age, that’s a missed play and lunch time.
The snatching would also be dealt with.

Well personally I think it’s okay even for 20 year olds…
Arseholes need their arses handed to them.

OP, just tell your daughter that you don’t agree with the school on this one, and sometimes adults disagree on rules, but when at school, school rules apply. Then give her a reward.

Please don’t draft a reply telling the teacher to punish the other child. Just thank her and support her efforts to teach children not to be violent.

Usually she will tell the teacher (or tell me when she gets home). We haven’t been in this situation before so I obviously told her we don’t hit or put our hands on anyone else, but she has only just turned 5 and is still impulsive, would be a bit more worried if she was a teenager doing that or if it was a recurring thing. She has been at nursery since 9 months old so has been around other children and no issues.

I genuinely was just looking for advice because I was very disappointed in her but the reaction I had from everyone else was different.

Like I say I do think both of them should have been punished (it didn’t sound from the message like this was the case)

Children in schools will always be sanctioned for hitting first. In many cases they’ll be sanctioned for hitting back as well. Violence is only acceptable when there’s no other option. In school she could walk away or tell an adult. So it was wrong to hit.

At that age sanctions should be immediate and not withheld for later.she won't connect the hitting with the punishment properly. Also an entire lunch time is utterly overkill. Usually it's a few minutes with escalation if a child continues behaviour.

I don't believe at that age consequence should be the next day but immediate. Either she loses rest of playtime or sits out when she enters classrooms if was end of playtime.

Well it's not very divisive is it. Your daughter hit someone.
That is a behaviour that is completely unacceptable and so she has a consequence.

The rest of your story is flummery. I've never worked in a school where flowers were available for random picking.

I have heard this too although I did think it was the norm. This happened on a Friday so it was after the weekend she missed playtime, I think in this case it probably would have been dealt better by losing the end of her playtime that day but hey ho