AIBU to think this punishment is unreasonable?

[teamaven]

This is probably going to be divisive 💀 not looking for any judgment, only opinions.

My DD has just turned 5. I got a message from her teacher to say that at playtime, a child (boy also aged 5) had snatched some flowers off my daughter that she had picked at playtime. My daughter in turn hit the child, and therefore was to lose the next day’s lunchtime play. I will just add that she is not violent and this up until now has been a one off.

My first reaction was a bit horrified that she would hit someone and I was disappointed.

However, the first reaction of multiple family members have been ‘well they shouldn’t have snatched her flowers off of her, there you go’. My family is very well respected, especially my dad who is very professional so I was a bit shocked he would say this! But after much thought 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤷🏼‍♀️. At the least I think both children should have been told off in this situation.

What are your opinions - before I draft my reply to the teacher?

Schools have a no violence policy. Hitting back is wrong in school. The correct form of action is to speak to an adult. If you tell children at school then they can hit back, you're inviting a lot of ‘I hit him because he hit me so it’s ok.’ ‘I didn’t hit you.’ ‘Yes you did’ and repeat.
Schools are trying to teach lessons not spend their whole time sorting out minor disputes.

But that’s the point, this sort of stuff starts when they are tiny and becomes the norm, boys will be boys etc. Little girls need to be taught to be strong and take no shit.

You have been told how your daughter will be punished. She hit, so of course she will be punished. It's none of your business what punishment the other child might receive which is why you haven't been told.

Absolutely. My DD was bullied relentlessly for 2 years when starting high school (both in and outside school grounds) and teachers were useless, if anything she was the one punished by being removed from the classroom, instead of removing the bullies.

It only stopped when she started giving it back to them the same way. By high school frankly my advice would be if they kick, kick back.

Obviously for 5 YO is different but I’m surprised people are reacting like snatching things is normal. I never had it happen (except actual stealing) nor do I remember it being an issue in my DD’s time at school.

In terms of not being rude in ignoring the message just a simple 'thanks for letting me know' is fine. Shows you have read it but doesn't commit to either way whether you feel it was appropriate or not.

Wait. What?! She's picking daffodils?! That's fucking disgraceful! They're planted for everyone to enjoy, not for you/your child to pick. Imagine if every family was that selfish. Please teach her not to do this.

And if it were a girl that did the snatching, would you similarly advocate she slap her also?

You are projecting.

Your AIBU was about your daughter's pinishment being too harsh.

I meant dandelions. They grow wild, like weeds. Does it really matter? Mumsnet is a weird place 😵‍💫

@teamavenof course it makes a huge difference if they’re daffodils. Dandelions and daisies are weeds, which will grow back quickly, daffodils aren’t and will only flower once each year. If all the children picked daffodils, they would all be gone in no time.

True, but hitting and snatching flowers are not the same so the punishment needn't be the same. If I snatched a piece of paper form someone at work I'd expect to be verbally challenged on it; if I hit someone at work I'd expect to be sacked. Clearly it's not quite the same with five year olds, but the punishment should still be proportionate

Of course it matters! Picking daisies/dandelions is probably more acceptable but picking daffodils is definitely not! Daffodils each have one flower, only flower once a year and are usually planted by councils so funded by the tax payer. It is absolutely not OK to pick them.

Picking daisies/dandelions in my opinion is also inappropriate for a raft of aesthetic and environmental reasons but that's probably more debatable. Daffodils is not debatable, it is illegal - it is actually classed as theft and you could and should be hit with up to a £5k fine.

I’m in my 50s and if someone tries to snatch my handbag I’m going to hit them!

I said I meant dandelions. These flowers are NOT planted they grow wildly on the field and the kids make daisy chains etc at lunch. It’s really not that deep

Now we should be fining just turned 5 year olds who pick daffodils without knowing the botanical and financial repercussions?

Jesus.

She didn’t even pick daffodils anyway 😂

YANBU.
I’m an adult, and if someone snatched one of my possessions, or took a project I’m working on off me, I’d hit them and try to get it back if I had the chance!

He started it, she ended it!

He should’ve just been told it served him right and not to snatch in the future and that be the end of it.

I think it’s a bit messed up instead he got the message that a girl will be punished for responding appropriately when he does something bad, and that the girl now may feel less confident standing up for herself in the future.

Why was your daughter picking flowers unless they were daisies she should know we don’t pick flowers..

'You don't hit people. If you do you will be punished. Adults who hit eachother can go to prison over it. It's no joke. If you hit someone and they fell and knocked their head they could die.

No bunch of daisies is worth that.'

Tell her that.

(I hope they weren't daffodils or something from the school garden?)

What’s your family well respected for?

I think that punishment is fine. Don't worry about the other kid, worry about yours, in this instance. Coming down hard on hitting and getting physical, sooner rather than later, is a very good idea, and means the message that we keep our hands to ourselves or we suffer severe consequnces is a good one to embed early and unamibiguously. I did with my DD when she was at primary, and unlike the other two little madams involved, mine did not go on to get herself in further trouble for getting physical.

Even in a situation where one child hit and another hit back the second child still needs to know it's unacceptable to hit. When one child tells me someone hit them first I say then you move away and tell a grown up you don't hit back.

Hitting back is very nearly as bad as hitting first. Hitting due to other provocation is completely unacceptable and you should be teaching your child this.

No wonder the world is as it is,when so many parents support their child's 'right' to use violence.

Oh, FFS, if a teacher is inclined to leave the profession because she gets a polite reply from a parent asking a reasonable question, the profession is better off without them.

OP, I'd respond saying something along the lines that you completely agree that hitting is not acceptable and you have reinforced this with your child; you hope that the other child has been told that snatching another child's things is equally inappropriate?

Email the teacher and tell them your father is VERY well respected, and share his opinion on the situation. Let us know how you get on, won’t you. 😁

Floristry.

This.