AIBU to think this punishment is unreasonable?

[teamaven]

This is probably going to be divisive 💀 not looking for any judgment, only opinions.

My DD has just turned 5. I got a message from her teacher to say that at playtime, a child (boy also aged 5) had snatched some flowers off my daughter that she had picked at playtime. My daughter in turn hit the child, and therefore was to lose the next day’s lunchtime play. I will just add that she is not violent and this up until now has been a one off.

My first reaction was a bit horrified that she would hit someone and I was disappointed.

However, the first reaction of multiple family members have been ‘well they shouldn’t have snatched her flowers off of her, there you go’. My family is very well respected, especially my dad who is very professional so I was a bit shocked he would say this! But after much thought 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤷🏼‍♀️. At the least I think both children should have been told off in this situation.

What are your opinions - before I draft my reply to the teacher?

OP, do you think both actions are equal and deserving of equal punishment? I don’t, and I doubt you DDs school do either. Snatching is wrong but hitting is worse. I’d expect a telling off for snatching and a missed playtime for hitting at this age.

I have to dispute the second part, her school playground is a field and has daises and dandelions. As mine did

Both children should be told off, but snatching is on a totally different level from trying to hurt someone. Obviously your child very nasty, potentially very dangerous behaviour needs a much stronger punishment, than the boy's slightly nasty, non dangerous behaviour.

This is a ridiculous overreaction. 5 year old children often lash out and need to be directed to better ways to manage anger. She’s not the devil incarnate!

In early March? Where is this fantastical flower meadow?

The teacher doesn’t have to and will not talk about the other child and their punishment with you. That is none of your business. You don’t know the other child hasn’t received a punishment you’re assuming they haven’t because the teacher hasn’t told you… but why would they?

Why does it matter whether the boy was punished? DD hit him for snatching her flowers. She can hardly claim it was self defence.

A whole lunchtime? At 5? That's excessive imo.

God thank you I did think that reply was a bit extreme 💀 the teacher said in the message ‘albeit not with force’. She has been in nursery since 9 months old and we have never been in this situation so I think that’s some good going!

My outlook is he should not have snatched her flowers, she should not have hit him and they both should have been told off.

The other child may also have been punished but hitting would have a more significant consequence.

A reward? What for?

Op, where did your dd pick flowers from?

They grow wild on the field - did you not make daisy chains at school? That is one of my core school memories!

Absolutely. I was wondering if they were flowers such as daffodils and were part of a role play for example or if they were daisies/buttercups.

The thing is, you don’t know if he was told off because they can’t tell you. He also got a consequence for his behaviour from your daughter. Your daughter is getting her consequence from the teacher. If your daughter was the one hit for snatching , be honest, what would you expect to happen?

No they will have just been the wild type daises/buttercups/daffodils. She loves flowers and is constantly bringing them home (much to my washing machine’s delight) so I understand why she was angry but yes the hitting not acceptable

Unfortunately, children have to learn not to solve their problems by using their hands to hurt. Your daughter did this and this seems a mild reminder to her to make a better choice next time.

You won't be given any details about how the other child has been dealt with as it is not your business, in the same way the parent of the child your daughter hit will not be informed of your daughter missing break tomorrow.

Accept it, talk to your child and then move on.

How do you know the other child wasn’t also told off?

To be honest if she had snatched flowers off someone and they hit her I would tell my DD that she shouldn’t have taken the flowers and now she won’t do it again 🤷🏼‍♀️ however even this way round I would expect them both to be told off (the message definitely didn’t sound like this was the case but I am just assuming)

Most schools have a policy of not telling parents about the punishment given to other people's children. Nothing in what you've been sent suggests to me that he wasn't also told off.

Multiple people have explained that the school cannot comment on how another child is dealt with.

Perfect

It’s one missed playtime . Actions have consequences. Give things the attention they deserve. This isn’t a big deal and probably forgotten by now . Don’t be that parent !

You need to focus on your daughter and let school focus on the others. She did wrong. She has received an appropriate consequence. Move on.

None of your business what the consequences are for the other kid.
You have no idea of the context of the "snatch" You weren't there.

Please don’t draft a reply to the teacher. The teacher has already spent precious time dealing with this in the way they see best. Just bloody support them. You are why teachers are leaving in droves.