AIBU to think this punishment is unreasonable?

[teamaven]

This is probably going to be divisive 💀 not looking for any judgment, only opinions.

My DD has just turned 5. I got a message from her teacher to say that at playtime, a child (boy also aged 5) had snatched some flowers off my daughter that she had picked at playtime. My daughter in turn hit the child, and therefore was to lose the next day’s lunchtime play. I will just add that she is not violent and this up until now has been a one off.

My first reaction was a bit horrified that she would hit someone and I was disappointed.

However, the first reaction of multiple family members have been ‘well they shouldn’t have snatched her flowers off of her, there you go’. My family is very well respected, especially my dad who is very professional so I was a bit shocked he would say this! But after much thought 🤷🏼‍♀️ 🤷🏼‍♀️. At the least I think both children should have been told off in this situation.

What are your opinions - before I draft my reply to the teacher?

It's great that your daughter is being assertive and standing up for herself, but she's probably going to need more tools in her arsenal than going straight to a smack.

What has your daughter said?

As ever on these school punishment threads the school has acted perfectly reasonably in punishing a child for nasty actions which they wish to nip in the bud, and the parent of the little darling is irate about it.

Who would ever choose to be a teacher eh?

girls do need to learn, yes from the age of five to stand up for themselves.
i was that parent and am unashamed. i would write the letter, i would say no to the school sanctions and i would stand up for my daughter's rights to attend school and not be harassed.

@Deskdog the answer is simply to tell the parents of the other child that snatching is unacceptable, and to tell the girl that hitting isn't a good idea as bigger children can hit back harder. zero need to escalate this.

5 year olds snatching flowers off each other isn't harassment, get over yourself.

@CrazyGoatLady i'm well and truly "over myself" but equally 100% supportive of my children's long term emotional well being. with so many youth in emotional crisis i would say some common sense needs to prevail.
telling girls to not hit back is grooming, grooming them to be subservient to boys.

I'm pretty sure my parents would have come down on me if I had hit someone who snatched flowers off me - and I've never been subservient to a boy in my life! You are being ridiculous, and totally lacking in common sense.

The OP's DD wasn't hit, so she wasn't hitting back.

Telling your child they're being harassed or groomed because of a normal 5 year old quarrel isn't going to help their mental health. Nor is it common sense.

Your daughter was defending herself I wouldn't be happy with this either. Another child has gone into her space and if he's ripped the flowers from her hand, more than likely grappled/possibly hurt her to some extent. Her reaction was to hit him off her. Now let's put this context as a woman and a man in a park: woman has a bouquet of flowers she's smelling and a man comes over and is trying to get them off her, most women would likely hit the man defending their bouquet. So why is it that your daughter is punished for another child instigating the violence. I say this as a mother, teacher and feminist. Please stand up for your daughter here.

standing up for a dd, being harassed by a boy (snatching the flowers) is common sense, equally is standing up for a dd who is being groomed to be subservient to the boy by being punished for a normal reaction (hitting).

So if a child spends her break time picking daisies and dandelions and another child steals them off her, she should just accept it? I’m not condoning hitting as a response (not that force was apparently used in this case) but the idea that ruining something which took a relatively long time to put together (for a 5 year old) is fine is not ok. It sends the message that there is no point trying hard to make something nice as anyone could steal it at any time, so why bother.

I do wonder if PPs would have reacted the same way if he’d torn up a piece of her artwork.

Nobody here is saying that the snatching of the flowers was ok. But people here are equivocate the behaviour of 5 year olds with an adult context, which is utterly ridiculous. 5 year olds do not think or behave like adults because they are five! It's false equivalence.

Since when has it become acceptable for parents to teach children that if another child does something you don't like or is mean, it's fine to hit them? We don't tell them to go to an adult any more?

If we're going to look at what would happen to you as an adult if another adult damaged your artwork and you punched them, you'd receive the harsher punishment. It wouldn't be seen as self defence because damage to your artwork by itself, although it could be an act of criminal damage, isn't a direct threat to your safety.

Why is this being turned into such a massive deal? She learned she can’t hit and he learned he can’t go around taking things that aren’t his.

Wrong. The child should have gone and told an adult. That way, he would have been dealt with for snatching the flowers and dd would face no consequences at all. A child hitting another for snatching something from them is not equal and needs dealing with, which it has been.

It is irrelevant that one is a girl and one a boy, though some people do seem to be letting that cloud their judgement.

Is it normal to hit someone for snatching? I really don't think it is. I'm also pretty sure that snatching isn't equivalent harassment.

Where did your daughter pick the flowers from?
Hopefully she had permission?
The young boy was disrespectful, but your daughter was violent. I am sure he got a telling off, but your daughter needed a sanction. She needs to know you can’t go round hitting people, just because you are annoyed.
And what’s all this about your Father being a professional? Who cares? Isn’t everyone equal at school? Is he prime minister or the King? If not, I would not mention that again!

This type of punishment is at my child’s school too. My DS13 was being bullied a few years back, he also reacted and got punished. Whilst I don’t mind them being disciplined, it feels to me like the person reacting to the bullying etc ends up with the worst sanctions. Also they won’t tell tou what the other child’s punishment was 😵‍💫

That’s because the message will have been focused on your DD.

You’ve no idea whether or not there were any consequences for him but you keep bringing up that there weren’t.

Personally I think missing a playtime is a bit harsh for this.. at 5, this sort of squabble is hardly uncommon.

But I suspect that it is just a blanket policy - any hitting = missed playtime etc. No messing about, no ifs or buts, All hitting = punishment.

Which, while unfortunate that your daughter has been caught under a policy that is designed to target actually violent kids, is hardly the end of the world.

wgat does your family being respectable have anything to do with the fact your daughter hit another child?

School have dealt with it and are correct - hitting someone is not acceptable and should have consequences

The punishment or consequences for the other child snatching have nothing to do with you and is none of your business.

Personally I think dragging out a sanction to the next day is overkill for a five year old

Wrong. You missed the bit where I said I didn’t condone hitting as a response.

Your daughters teacher is doing the right thing, in Life whatever happens you cant just hit someone if they do something that upset you.

Shes not too young to be taught right from wrong.
I remember my children as toddlers, bfore they were even speaking but they learnt what No' meant. one of my toddlers threw a ball at his sisters head, and I said No' and he understood it was wrong.

If we dont teach them from young what is right from wrong, they wont know..

I would tell her great for standing up for herself and to accept the punishment - school can’t take away the hit

Some kids are, well not quite bullies, but annoyances who just don’t let up and know there is a “no hit back” rule in schools.

If you want to email I would just acknowledge the incident and punishment and say “I am assuming the boy also received equal punishment as my daughter didn’t hit him first it was a reaction to his actions”

But in reality I don’t think this is worth emailing about.

OP I'd just suck this up. It's missing one playtime not permanent expulsion.