Childminder has had complaints about my son lashing out

[ohsonogo]

My son 2.5 is a sweet boy with a bit of a temper. Multiple times the childminder has asked me to keep his nails short as he lashes out at other children’s faces when annoyed. She says there have been more than ten times that she’s had to send another child home with scratches on their face. Today my partner picked up and she said ‘please cut xxx nails tonight as he’s using them as a weapon’. She’s messages me this

‘Hi, just to let you know xx has scratched another child’s face today again, very close to their eye. The parents are understandably upset and have sent me a very angry message. This other child was also hurt last week. I have now had to apologise to 5 parents due to scratches on their faces. Can you please ensure xx’s nails are kept as short as possible otherwise I won’t be able to accept him back into the setting. I will be in touch soon once I have a better idea of how to proceed with this ongoing issue. Thanks, xxxx ‘

what the hell do I do or say to that? Why is she being such a bitch, there’s only so much I can do when I’m not there.

That so many people have reacted to say that you are being unreasonable is such a damning reflection of the people who now find themselves engaging with mumsnet.

What a sorry state of affairs that mothers no longer support other mothers and instead just jumping to cast blame and shame. Shame on all of you.

@Sunshinehouse what about the mothers of the children who have been hurt?

Yes, toddlers can lash out, but the parents job is to teach them ways of coping so they don’t. The answer is not to call the childminder a bitch

If OP had come here asking for help to stop her child lashing out, she would have got supportive answers. Calling another woman a bitch for just doing her job is not going to get support

By mumsnet standards 98% is overwhelmingly near-unanimous. What part of not keeping her child's nails short to prevent injury to other children and calling her childminder a bitch is reasonable do you think?

And I say this as a parent to 2x dc who were biters/ scratchers as toddlers. We worked with our cm to deal with it - including keeping nails short.

But for those believing that op is raising a thug due to his behaviour at 2.5yo, hopefully I can reassure you that my now 15yo ds is an absolute delight, and he's never been in a fight.

How are you cutting his nails? Maybe you're cutting them but the corners are still sharp.

I would get an electric nail file, something like this:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Electric-Grooming-Manicure-Fingernails-Babyblue/dp/B0F1KXYNGZ/ref=sr_1_7?crid=W1VEJ7ZWY2QD&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.CiKJlZSSOLuSqGZnHAsc5KiONIf1vG8u9Q3vunjMmrwXKim3WZWwUCc2wg5E5egzhpufnJFUSpPuCdZuPqE2CFGaqjTK-ATQ41HJbDF101fZbA6KXC_lQFnTV1BK5fsqn-atSjNlpvQIEb-pMB0dpZS4HVzzdmnJgng92JzKVBqfJJW7X5Un6WbREY_o5Ep8QrDPhz683Gqda60woaK_b2A2TVJy7TdHAkYUkcMpFdID6tcTXJog1a8TMXy4lE8va1CMEmRAK7f6r4AHVH4qA6r-mgz448LEwFvmrioQuzY.Q-w1JDZf660wdjU6V96DLHo8DwEyZeQqQWEJlhy2RR4&dib_tag=se&keywords=electric%2Bnail%2Bfile%2Bbaby&qid=1773911923&sprefix=electric%2Bnail%2Bfi%2Caps%2C234&sr=8-7&th=1

Every evening or morning sit him on your lap, in front of the tv for an 8 min Bluey episode if must, and file his nails. Do it daily until he is out of this scratching fase.

As SENd parent whose child has limited communication - this is completely unreasonable.

Our son is 9, and on very rare occasions still bites and grabs/scratches. At this age, probably up until he was around 6, it was a more common occurrence.

We still cannot expect other peoples children to be at the mercy of our children’s lashing out. That’s completely unacceptable.

Our son is told, very firmly, no biting - as soon as he makes any indication that he’s about to. It’s an absolute non-negotiable. I make many accommodations for his needs, and expect others to, but violence isn’t one of them.

OP should be keeping on top of his nails if she knows he scratches. Once a week isn’t good enough. When she noticed on the morning they were long, she should have cut them before they left.

She definitely should not be calling his minder a bitch for calling out that behaviour, or minimising it by calling him lovely with a temper.

It’s behaviour, and it needs dealing with.

He's hurt five children and is giving you yet another chance, and she's the bitch? They do say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

Sadly, some people are.

Lucky you. Currently my four year old is constantly pushing at preschool. Are you going to presume lack of discipline all the time because it certainly isn't in our case. My son is suspected autistic, not very verbal. It is quite hard people presuming parents aren't doing anything or trying. Most kids will lash out at some point especially at two!

Indeed. I am wondering if my sen child is pushing because he is overstimulated/underestimated etc. He can't verbalise it though. However I did cut nails constantly when he was going for the face!

Are you serious? Of course parents need to be told if their child is hurting others and she probably doesn't tell the parents which child attacked theirs.
You can not always predict when a child is going to lash out and it sounds like this child does a lot. What do you think the childminder should do? She can't be right next to him every second, she has other children to deal with. Are you a childminder?

Possibly. Ours becomes physical when he’s overstimulated, emotionally deregulated, or when he’s somehow expressed something he wants and doesn’t feel acknowledged.

That is still not a good enough reason, IMO.

I am absolutely supportive of helping him to get through those barriers. But, we also put a lot of effort into teaching him that biting/grabbing isn’t an appropriate way to express his feelings or wants.

We actively teach him that it’s okay to be angry, things are going to make you angry, it is not okay to use your hands or teeth to express that.

My daughter scratched my eye once. Total accident but actually left me in quite a lot of pain and hospital visits.
So this is quite serious OP
Laughable that you are calling her a bitch. You sound like you would be kicking off if your son came home repeatedly hurt. If these parents decide to leave her care , which they do. I had this happen in a nursery I worked at where a child was a biter. Parents did pull kids out.
My child has super nails that grow really fast and we cut them every few days.
You are being a bit of a nob about this if Im honest. Most parents would be super embarrassed to get these continuing reports of incidents

At that age they understand a firm no and simple instructions no hurting friends

You seem more concerned about the childminders response rather that asking for advice how best to teach your child pro social behaviour

What about the mothers whose children have been attacked?

Yes we are working on it even if we are having to say it fifty times. My point is not every parent of these children are doing nothing. We are trying to stop it.

That message wasn't bitchy in the slightest. If your son is constantly hurting / injuring other children in her care with parents coming after her for it, she has every right to not accept him any longer.

Woah woah woah. You're calling her a bitch for THAT message?!

Cut the nails! Try thinking about things from the perspective of parents whose children are coming back from this childcare setting with scratches on their faces?

You need to be focusing on what you can so to support your son around this behaviour.

I was MORTIFIED when my son bit a child at his nursery when he was very young. But do you know what we did? We apologised on his behalf, asked nursery to pass it on (as the bitten child was anonymous) and spoke with the nursery about the context. In his case, he was young but frustrated by the children in his age group, they moved him up to an older group where he was more stimulated by the activities and other children and he's never ever ever been a biter.

I've been a school governor for about a decade and the most frustrating thing from a school perspective when a child is exhibiting violent behaviour is when the parents don't engage fully and when they think their child can do no wrong and when they keep them off school so they never have the consequences. It really doesn't help the school to find ways to support the child, ways to address the root causes, ways to identify why the behaviour happens and how best to manage it.

I've seen you say you're worried she might try and "get rid of him". If your reaction is automatically defensive and offensive I can understand why she might see that the relationship between childminder and parent isn't working but more importantly, she needs to look at the safety and wellbeing of the other children in her care and the potential to lose them if their parents (quite rightly and understandably) feel they have to move their child to another childminder because they repeatedly come home with scratches to their faces.

Calling the childminder a bitch is pretty shameful.

Shame on OP and I’ll stand by that!

The childminder is dealing with a serious issue that’s not good for her business and OP says she’s being a bitch. Maybe OP can reduce or give up work and lose income, it’s what’s going to happen to the CM if people stop using her.

YABU. Why aren't you cutting his nails more often, if they grow that fast, and what are you doing about the scratching? The childminder's not the one at fault here.

Your son is turning into a violent little thug. What have you done to address his behaviour? Have you cut his nails yet?

If you want to keep his place with the childminder, you need to apologise to her for not cutting his nails. You and your partner have to start taking responsibility for taming and training your toddler into becoming a less violent little boy.

I hope to god she sees this and removes your child you sound terrible to deal with

Maybe the best solution for everyone involved would be for you to look for another childcare setting for your child.
I say this with kindness having been in your situation myself, many years ago when my child was in nursery.
My child has complex needs due to his disability.

He had started to pull hair of other children.
One of the dads gave me a death stare and shouted across the street that I should control my "monster of a child". Absolutely broke my heart as I was still struggling to come to terms with his disability.

I pulled him straight out of the mainstream nursery. I was mortified that he was hurting other children. I had stated self harming as the guilt was so extreme. I felt helpless that I couldn't be there to stop him and useless that I couldn't make him understand (he's non verbal).

It's 12 years ago now, but I still remember how I felt.

In the dim and distant past I was a childminder. I would have mentioned it once. If it had happened again, the anger and scratching together, I would have given you notice. This is not difficult to prevent and a few chats about kind hands need to happen as well.

My child's a scratcher so I file her nails every night after bath. Childminder is definitely not being a bitch, in fact, she's been very lenient to date. She shouldn't have to keep telling you the same thing. Nails grow a lot in a week. You have to make sure there are no white bits, ever.

I think you need to focus on/try to work out what's going on with your son. A sweet boy with a bit of a temper, what does that mean? The CM might have no choice but to get rid of him, if the alternative is that she loses her other clients instead. I wouldn't send my child to an environment where they were constantly being hurt or attacked by another child and neither the CM or parents seemed able to stop it happening. If the underlying issue is not addressed, next it will be complaints from nursery, school, other parents in the playground etc. The CM is not the issue here and she is not a bitch. I mean this kindly OP, but you don't want your son to be the child that other children avoid, because he has 'a bit of a temper'. I saw it happen in my son's school - another boy used to scratch, punch and bite - and it was pretty sad to watch.