AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

That. There's no point in jumping the gun. You don't have to decide right now, or even after sleeping on in it tonight.

Give yourself time to absorb it all, to ponder the various actions and their ramifications, and most importantly, to keep talking to your mum. If you act too rashly, you can't undo the damage.

The better outcome would be for your mum to come round to telling them herself, or better still, you both talking to your dad, and telling him that he has to tell your siblings. But take it slowly. Give it at least a week before you do anything that you can't undo.

This is a thread somewhat like the LTB ones. The peanut gallery wants you to do something NOW because they're angry, but they're not the people who will have to pick up the pieces, @ellenred . That will be you.

Keep talking to your mum. Involve your dad when you're ready. But make it clear to them both that your siblings need to know.

But surely if they bumped into each other in the pub there would be a reasonable chance that someone else was in the pub who knew at least one of them?! Especially if your dad is an extra teacher - would he not be quite well known?

why do you believe this is the only girl he had sex with?

It's good he's paying child support but your mum is a mug for staying with him. Tell yoir siblings. You shouldn't bare the burden of that secret.

OP's mum has made a choice and is not a mug. FGS. 🙄
OP's dad is doing the right thing by paying support for the children who are innocent, ICYMI.
Frankly, I think the children should be celebrated. What's done is done. There should be a family meeting to come clean, so to speak, and then the family should come together to welcome the children and offer support. It might sting for OP's mum, but looking beyond the infidelity behooves her to acknowledge the children as part of their family. The dad should also amend his will to include the children and get a legal agreement in place for their care until 18.

I think i (with your mother) tell your dad you know. Get his take on it ( if he is willing) then tell him that you feel your siblngs should know.
If he says no ask why, he may not be open to this discussion but at least you tried.

But i would also give consideration that the women does not want it to be known either.

Tell them, their inheritance will be split 2 more ways than they are currently expecting and your Dad is going to be financially hard up for at least another 15 years and thats not factoring in 2x Uni costs.

And DNA testing kits.

Like fuck would I be welcoming the children of my 50+ DH and his 21 yr old affair partner into my family.

That's you. OP's mum has stayed with OP's dad. Something similar occurred in my family.
I can assure you that after the initial shock and emotions everyone realized the child was
innocent in it all and was welcomed. Family events were enriched. It takes a lot to overcome the betrayal, but it can be done and is worth it. The anger and resentment will eat you alive.

Of course its her secret to tell, the toddlers are her siblings, both her and her other siblings have a right to know, and if the mum is willing also a right to a relationship with them.

Equally, how do we know that this 21 year old woman didn't secretly fancy OPs father when she was a student and took advantage of the lapsed time to seek him out and make a play?
Middle aged men going through a mid-life crisis can easily have their heads turned by a young woman and do something they later regret. It doesn't make him evil or disgusting or wipe out everything good he has done in his life.
We also don't know that he has "refused to see his children" as pp stated it. Perhaps the mother wants nothing to do with him now that she has the benefit of his money coming in every month.
Anyway, the matter is between the parents and is nothing to do with OP or her siblings.

Or Darling Mother could divorce her cheating husband, split assets 50/50 and then watch him struggle to pay cm for 2 children on minimum wage - having lost his teaching job. Actions have consequences...

But that's not the question. Besides, she's chosen to stay.

I think you all have a right to know that you have other siblings out there in the world. Preferably before it becomes known some other way.

As much as I'm an enabling mug at times im a walking talking confession box but this is the one thing that's bigger than anything that I could ever conceal 😱.

And don't let anyone in your family your parents convince you that you spilling the secret is the problem .

yes tell them. They have a right to know not only what their dad’s been up to but that they’ve got new siblings. I’m one of 8, three different mums, and I know I’d want to know if there were more of us out there! What a mess though… I’d have left him.

This secret is weighing terribly on your mother. Don’t buy into complicity in covering up for your father of five.

His absolute neglect of these twins and inappropriate engagement with a former student are his problem.

Say true things out loud. It’s incredibly freeing. His errors are now going to drive a wedge between you and your siblings - that will have lifelong repercussions. Don’t let the rot spread further.

Wow - you must have a lot of skeletons in your closet.

The father having sex with someone the same age of his daughter, this young adult being former student, it being an actual affair so happened a number of times and now adding two siblings to his children’s life only affects him and his wife. Oh ok then.

I’m sorry your parents were liars and your Granny was deceived. And that you think this collusion was helpful.

The OP has children, these children are the same ages as their aunt / uncle. It’s important that they too know about this. Hiding the secret allows for collusion and for deceit to fester. This errodes relationships. It’s clearly having an impact on the mother.

And it’s had an impact on his former student who, at 21 was raising twins away from her support network in a Council house.

Yes to this.

Very unlikely a 21 year old former student who had bumped into a primary teacher would go on to have an affair.

As a secondary school teacher years of watching tha teenager in uniform, having her call you Sir and a short few years later suddenly she’s in front of you in a bar and off you go. Full blown affair and clearly no contraception.

People rarely go from 0-100mph in a few weeks. We escalate in our behaviour and most happens in the mind before action.

Your Mum may love him - with his public reputation and status intact.

Your siblings have a right to know who he is. Don’t allow his mess to add collusion and hiddenness to your life.

No idea of the law but if he's on their birth certificate they may have a claim?

Yanbu. I'd speak to him, tell him he has til the end of the week to tell your siblings the truth or you will be. That's one of those things that don't stay a secret forever and will hurt more if found out later down the line.

I found out about a secret sibling—it was actually my cousin who told me. I was so angry because of the peoole who knew, and didn’t tell me for years. It will come out eventually; it always does. And the more months and years you are on the “keeping it a secret from the siblings” side, the bigger the wedge will be between you. Not your fault, I know. But you are now complicit.

Yep, I would put your relationship with your siblings first, problem is you don't know what their reaction will be. But I'd be annoyed if my sibling kept this a secret.

Nothing might change. Sounds like your DM doesn't want to end the marriage.