AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

I'd tell your father he has a week to tell your siblings.

@ellenred , imagine how you would feel if you knew nothing, then several years down the road it came out your father had two young children and your sister knew and didn't tell you?

Don't you think that would damage your relationship and undermine trust between you?

Don't let your Dad's dreadful betrayal cause that. And don't let your poor Mum shoulder shame that's rightly his.

The secrets can be so corrosive. Deprive them if that power.

This is a hard one. I am usually all for people being allowed to keep their own secrets...but since your parents are still relatively young, and you have siblings, and the financial situation could impact the family as a whole, I think I would err more on the side of telling them. I've come to the realisation that serious secrets, whilst sometimes necessary at a particular point in time, don't do anyone any good when they're kept forever.

Imagine if your siblings found out once your dad died, and didn't have the opportunity to ask him any questions? Your poor mum. Although upset once everyone knows, she may find it helpful not to have to carry the burden of someone else's secret (and financial damage!) alone anymore.

I think OP’s mother and father should be left to work their issues out among themselves although OP’s and her siblings relationship with their father may change once things are out in the open. I think the ‘secret’ should be told and I think father should be the one to open up about it.

A lot of people seem to forget that OP and her whole siblings have half-siblings and, although they probably don’t have a legal right to know them, in a lot of families they are considered close family.

My brother and I only discovered we had a half-brother on our 60s and sadly only had a relationship with him for 10 years before he died. I would have been very sad to have only discovered his existence after he’d died. My brother is still very annoyed our father didn’t tell us about him before he (father) died. Father even knew how we could have contacted him.

I am now very close to a half-niece, who, due to age differences, is more like a sister, and it would have been a shame not to have that relationship.

I think you’re going to have to tell them. The truth will come out in the end and you don’t want your siblings resenting you for keeping it from them.

You'll be betraying your mum if you do and you need to understand that she might not want to talk to you again

She's not betraying anyone. She's telling her siblings information they have the right to know. If her mum didn't want her sharing this information she should have said nothing.

That’s dependent on the Governing law. Not everyone is subject to English law

Let the Dad who caused all of this tell them.

Tbf the only person doing the betraying is OP’s father and it’s unfair on OP to be told this family-destroying bit of information and not be allowed to share it with her equals (siblings).
However, I can imagine how it may be easier for the mum to direct the blame at OP rather than facing the truth.
Or perhaps her mum wants their joint children to know - it must be incredibly difficult to not ti have anyone to talk to about it all.
It’s a tough one @ellenred - damned if you do and damned if you don’t but, IMO, I think it is better to forewarn your mum and tell your siblings.
Your dad doesn’t deserve the heads up.

My dad did this too, I told my siblings. One didn’t want to know though.

The biggest red flag is that he has nothing to do with them. The person who has suffered the most in all of this is the mum - no one else

Well he's obviously not going to share it. So what does the OP do then just pretend she doesn't know? It's all good saying he should tell them but he's not told any of his kids so it's clearly not his intention for them to know.

I would tell my sister instantly. I would never want to lose her trust by not telling her, if they find out you've known about this and not told them it could cause issues between you and them.

Her mum told her in confidence.

That didn't answer my questions.

You can't just say she was told in confidence so she can never tell. That's illogical what if she'd told her that her dad had killed someone but shhh it's a secret so you can't tell anyone.

The weight of it alone. How do you think your mum feels?

I'm not here to be questioned by you or anyone else. I have a half brother from my dad's second marriage that knows nothing about me

I could contact his family and tell them - but I won't - because it would disrupt his life

The OP can do what she likes but she needs to be prepared for all hell to break loose if she tells people

The humiliation ? The 'humiliation ' is not hers.
Surely the 'Shame must change sides' quote (Gisele Pelicot ) applies here?
As a woman who experienced deep betrayal
in a long marriage (no secret children fortunately) I totally understand this weird feeling of the betrayed suddenly protecting the betrayer due to 'shame'.
What shame? The old fashioned patriarchal view that 'she drove him into the arms of another woman as didn't meet his needs'?

My view is OP's mother has been traumatised and coping with this betrayal nightmare in secret for over 3years must have been awful for her.

Now something has snapped inside her.

Maybe she stayed due to the financial security and the safe, comfortable retirement they had both worked hard to create together?
And now, due to the monthly maintenance payment, that financial future doesn't look so good? She can't afford to do things due to her husband's actions. Actions that were entitled and self serving to just him yet she's now sharing the cost of his 'mistake'.

Also, OP (and her siblings) have half siblings out there that they had no idea existed.

I've been a betrayed wife.
I have had experience of a 'secret child' in our family (one of my siblings) and my advice would be to;

Speak to your Dad. He should tell your siblings. He has no right to be angry with your mother because she told you. Let him bear the 'shame' and stop hiding from the consequences of his actions.

Try to persuade your mum to get some therapy. Infidelity trauma is a real thing and I feel she has suppressed hers for years to protect you and your siblings.

And at some point in the future, you may meet your half siblings and their mum. Bear that in mind.

I wasn't looking for an argument but surely the whole point of posting is to have a discussion?

I'm sure your half brother would love the option to be in your life. It's quite sad you think knowing you exist would disrupt his life in such a negative way that you won't get in contact with him. It could be a lovely relationship for the two of you.

It's also worth noting that all hell will eventually break loose whether the OP speaks up now or later when the truth comes out.

100% agree

My Father found he had a half-sibling after his parents had passed away. My Father and his (older) half sibling are late 60's / early 70's. The half-sibling had spent years searching for his biological parents and eventually found them both via their obituaries unfortunately.

They ar regularly in contact, but will admit they don't have the bond they potentially would have had if they met earlier in life.

It's definitely on the OPs Father to tell the family. If they collectively choose not to widen the circle of knowledge, that's a family matter. But in the end, it's very likely to all blow up at some point.

My dad left me when I was three and my dad's son knows nothing of me. He left my mum poor. He had to be taken to court to pay my mum two pounds a week till I was 16. I didn't get a birthday present or a Christmas present from him ever - you tell me how I could ever have a lovely relationship with his son when my dad hasn't even bothered to tell him I exist.

I contacted a cousin on my dad's side around twenty years ago. She told me to go away and at that point I knew that my half brother hadn't been told that I exist. So I'm supposed to track him down and go - you've got a sister. Don't you think my dad should have told him - my dad's second wife knows nothing of me either

Your post has really upset me. I contacted my dad when I was 16 and he told me to go away. I found out that I had a half brother from reading a newspaper article

But I have to try and track my half brother down and tell him that he has a sister that he's known nothing about for over 35 years and his mum knows nothing about me either - how do you think that will end up?

If he would love the option to be in my life my dad who is a total waste of space could have told both his wife and his son about me - he didn't

And how do you think it feels knowing that your father acknowledges his son but refuses to acknowledge you?

I don't know where my half brother is! I've not seen my dad since he walked out on me when I was three! My mum only found my dad through his brother and he's dead now and my dad phoned her and told me to go away. He could have told my mum about his son then - he didn't. He let me find out in a newspaper

I wouldn't have known he existed at all if not for that newspaper article

Do you think my half brother would welcome being lied to about my existence all his life if I crashed into his?

This is down to my father and his choices - nothing to do with me.

That's your choice not to track him down. Yes, your father should have been the one to make sure his kids knew eachother but he didn't.

You don't need a relationship with your father to have a good relationship with your half-brother.

Also, the previous poster obviously didn't set out to "upset you"... so let's not play the blame game when they haven't said anything nasty.

It could ruin my dad's marriage if I tried to make contact with his son. That's the point. That's why I didn't try and find him - because my dad hasn't told either of them that I exist.

I have no time for my father - but I am not going to put myself in the position of potentially breaking a marriage up due to his choices.

I contacted my dad via his brother. My mum found him. When I was 16. He phoned my mum and told me to go away and that he stood by the decision he made when I was three. I asked my cousin on my dad's side to meet me. She said no and at that point I knew that my father hadn't told his son about me

Please don't speculate on things you know nothing about - it's painful

Thank you. Obviously there was no intention to upset the poster. There is clearly a lot of history there that I had no way of knowing however none of it suggests he wouldn't actually welcome you if you got in touch although as you say that's your choice.

I have no idea where to find my brother. None - is that ok with you - I don't even know his name. I have no idea where he lives either

My father does not live in my home town. My mum and him met at uni and she moved back here and I have zero idea where my dad and his family live.

. And I have every right to be upset if that's how I feel.

Please go away. You have zero idea what you are talking about and as much as I don't care for my father I have no desire to ruin his marriage.

I will not have a good relationship with my half brother. His mum doesn't know about me. He doesn't know about me and if my dad's second wife found out it would blow their marriage to pieces because he's a liar.

So please. Don't criticise me for not wanting to rock the boat and destroy someones marriage. I have stayed away for the right reasons