AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

Your poor mum carrying this secret on her own. She must have been devastated. Your siblings need to know. Unfortunately as someone else mentioned, when it comes to inheritance it would be very surprising if either your Dad hasn’t made an allowance for them or they seek out their share. If they don’t know & you do and your Dad dies, the fallout could be massive.

I think they need to know, but perhaps wait a little while, let your mum come to terms with you knowing, have some calmer conversations with her about your dad's behaviour. It all sounds raw, like it's burst out of her, it must have been awful for her to keep it a secret this long and your head must be spinning. Spend a bit of time coming to terms with it yourself, maybe speak to a professional, before you put your foot down about telling your siblings. Things could change in your mum's mind when she sees your response, she could decide to leave or to tell the others anyway.

It wasn't the mum's secret to tell either strictly speaking. So once she has shared it with the OP, she then has the right to share it with her siblings.

I can't believe the number of people who are disregarding the needs of the actual victim in this. OP's mum.

She's asked you not to tell them. You doing so will make her life even worse @ellenred .
Your role here is to support her, with the aim that she eventually feels able to tell them herself. But she should have control of the information. Not you.

I think tell them

Maybe your mum told you as she wants you to

I feel for your mum truly, 6 years is a long time to be doing this. The kids will pop up at 16 or earlier, especially given today's Internet capabilities

Its dad's place to tell them. What a shitshow.

The OP and Her siblings are also victims.
They have siblings they don't know through no fault of their own

It sounds like a reasonable contribution to raising two children, who he never sees.

It depends. They'd have an automatic entitlement in Scotland, no matter what is in the will.

Any chance you could cover the costs of just mum coming away with you. If dad dared say anything Id tell him that surely he see why mum deserves the break when his spending all the spare money on his secrets.

Your siblings need to know.

It will come out and they could spend their time defending him or thinking it’s some scorn crazy ex student who has an obsession.

But it’s your dads responsibility to tell.

I think it’s disgusting that he’s not involved with those poor kids and has ruined multiple lives and seems to be getting off scot free.

It may not be the OP's secret to tell but it is not her burden to carry either. No one should be forced to keep such a secret for someone else. It will come between OP and the siblings if it is kept secret and it will poison her inner peace. The mother has unburdened herself because it was too heavy to carry alone; well now she the OP is in the same situation.

Best approach is to talk first to both parents and give them time to think about how to tell it. Ultimately if they won't reveal it you should. Let the pieces fall where they may. Better the truth is out and then everyone can make the choices they need to - whatever they may be.

Seems about right for a teacher doesn't it?

Yes you tell them, or give your father the chance to.
But they deserve to know now that you know.
Your mother told you and now the cat is out of the bag.
She doesn't get to burden you with your father's disgusting secret.
Your poor mother.
Your father is scum.
Sorry, but he really is.

Its really not that kind of secret tho is it? Not like, Ive bought your mum a new car or ive planned a surprise party. This situation cant be minimised to ‘a secret’.

Your DF needs this to be exposed, those children acknowledged, if nothing else and the family decide how to cope with the new dynamic.

Your Mum, nor those children or anyone else deserve to carry around your Dads actions as a dirty secret to hide and be ashamed of. He is continuing to have his cake and eat it…

Don't betray your mum's trust. Your father already did that and you will only compound that if she realises she can't trust you.

If stands to reason that she told you, nkt because she wanted to but because she needed to tell someone.

Why is she still with him? Can you support her to leave? In time, you can discuss telling others and also discussing that with your dad too. However, your mum and her need for support should be your number one priority.

Give your mum time.If she has only spoken to you you may find that by speaking out loud her thoughts and position may change.

She may change her views on your father.

When did she find out?

They would have a very good case in court if he is still supporting them financially.

You need to sit your parents down and speak to them both. It's not fair on your Mum to have carried this burden on her own. It's equally not fair on your Mum to expect you to keep secrets from your siblings.... especially such a big one.

Your Dad is actually the one who should be telling your siblings the truth. Of course, they'll be angry and disappointed in their Dad (as I'm sure you are).

Not only is your Dad a coward for not being honest with you and your siblings but he's awful for not seeing his twins. It's not their fault, they are innocent in all of this.

Sorry, completely disagree. Although “ not your secret” your Mum shouldn’t have told you expecting you to then not tell siblings. As an older mother of three, the last thing I want is my children to fall out, particularly over something of which they had no control whatsoever.

Your Mum has confided in you and you alone. Yes this is a burden you didn’t expect or ask for. This is especially traumatic, the content as well as the news being very recent. I think your role in this, is one of being a support person to your Mum. She is the one that needs the greatest support, and if by keeping it between the both of you then that’s the support she needs now.

What happens in the future is, I believe, up parents to share or not, it is their business. Undoubtedly and an unwanted burden for you I do see that. For now though your Mum has asked for your discretion.

Imagine your siblings knew and didn’t tell you ?!!
you simply must tell them. Why are you protecting your dad, the man who betrayed you all with a dodgy relationship/affair. He was in a position of power and it’s indecent he had an affair with this young woman. Quite apart from him being married.
£9000 a year until the children are 18 odd is going to have a grave impact on your mothers retirement plans? Aswell as the heartbreak.

The thing is, these days secrets like this never stay secret. Whether it’s from ancestry.com or 23andme, or someone just speaking out, or the child growing up and wanting to find its relatives: at some point the truth will come out.

It might even be if the mother wants more money or is in a new relationship and her partner says something. Almost anything could happen. It won’t stay a secret.

The more delay there is, the more the recrimination and regret down the line.

It's really unfair of your parents to burden you with this and tell you not to tell your siblings when this has everything to do with them too. I would tell my parents to tell them or you will.
Sorry about your dad, endless list of men who can't keep it in their pants. Hopefully it will help you to talk to your siblings once its out in the open because you guys have had quite the shock. Hugs