AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

This. It’s their secret to tell but they cannot expect you to keep it as well. She told you. They need to tell the others

I'm criticising you trying to apportionment blame to a previous poster who has not doen anything wrong. And trying to say she / her has upset you. Perhaps you shouldn't have posted on this thread if it was going to trigger you.

Similarly, having attitude with me isn't going to help you. "Is that OK with you" - yes, of course, I couldn't care less about your life.

But you are blaming everyone else for zero reason.

I also don't want to crash my half brothers life and go - see that dad you have lived with for 40 plus years and you think he's a decent guy - he didn't give a toss about me and my mum. Left her struggling. Had to be forced to give her two pounds a week. Couldn't even be bothered to send me a Christmas card any year of my life. Told me to do one when I was 16. That's your dad. Because that's not the dad he's grown up with - he's grown up with a dad that's acknowledged him - I haven't. And that's the same person. He would not welcome me into his life. None of that side of the family would. Only my dad's brother cared and he's dead

Let's see how he would reconcile his dad with the dad that I had - one who just didn't bother turning up for an access visit one day and that was it

My dad used to work at a uni in Glasgow. I emailed to ask about doing a course there. He responded to me. He must have known who I was (my first name isn't common).
but nothing

You know when people don't want to know you.

WHY do the siblings have a right to know, and how does this trump the mum's rights?

Which rights are these? Can you explain what they are?

No one has a right to anything here.

Everyone should be able to make their own decisions based on this new information but they certainly do not have the right to control what anyone else does with this information or who they tell.

The emotional blackmail and coercion to silence is something that very much is the opposite of a right.

The siblings are biologically related to these toddlers. The mother isn't.

Indeed. These children are related to the siblings. It's absolutely reasonable to say they deserve to know about their existence. Even more so now 1/3 of them (the OP) already knows.

If anything in terms of rights, you could argue that the Dad's employee and all the kids he teaches have a right to know he's fathered a child with someone he has had an inappropriate relationship with.

Cos safeguarding.

We don't know if it was technically inappropriate though. The OPs mother claims he hadn't taught the other woman in some years, and the affair was in her 20s for a few weeks. I don't think there is a particular law about not having consensual relationships years after the professional relationship ends?

Although I agree it's creepy and he's a pig.

He seens to be paying a lot. How do you know it us true!

Or is part of this hush money. If this affair was common knowledge maybe he could have lost his tejob and nice retirement pension.

I think this woman was looking for a lifelong meal ticket and got pregnant on purpose.

Your father sounds like a real shit.

But unfortunately your mother is now paying the price financially.

I would tell the your siblings and anybody else who knows him.

Teach him a real.lesson.

Be crystal clear, kick off and give them a deadline of a week then tell. I say that as a really placid person who hates any conflict.

I had this with my awful ex who’s daughter with HIS ex was born just a few months after we met (he’d cut her off and gave me loads of cock and bull stories I fell for about her using him for a visa etc). There was other stuff, too much to go into here but the reasoning he used was ridiculous. Let’s just say it involved his ex and her family doing voodoo on us.Yeah, I know…!!!
Whatever the reasons, it’s all just a big smokescreen.

He kept it a massive secret from his family. I think it STILL is because they’re in another country. Nobody was ever allowed to talk about it and when we had our own daughter, it was heartbreaking because she would say things like I wish I had a sister. Needless to say when she was quite young, I saw sense and broke up with this horrible bullying excuse of a man. In the end when she got to her teens I found the strength, gave him a deadline to tell and he agreed, but he’s still pretty much kept it a secret from nearly everybody in his life.

My daughter does have somewhat of a relationship with her half sister but it was a massive shock to her - NO good ever comes from keeping people secret, and the sooner it comes out the better. Over the years it was a horrible horrible burden for me to carry, just like it will be for you, if you don’t tell, and when we finally told our daughter together, she didn’t really know how to take it.

Thankfully she seems to have forgiven me for the many years that I withheld it from her but I feel a lot of guilt. This HAS to come out one way or another. Absolutely 100% sooner rather than later. xx

Is it possible that although he had an affair, the twins could be someone else’s?

has Dad had a DNA test done prior to accepting responsibility ? Or too worried about being reported and accepted the situation ?

He's not adding siblings to his children's life. The mother wants nothing to do with him and his family. And yes, the rest is between him and his wife.

Because they are biologically related to these other children and it’ll be worse if they find out years later and find out OP knew. The toddlers have nothing to do with OP’s mum and she should’ve left her husband.

That's what the OPs Mother / Father have said. The twins mother might actually welcome more family for her kids. We will never know unless the OP reaches out realistically.

Also in years to come, it's highly likely the twins will reach out.

You clearly aren’t reading what’s in front of you. You are projecting.

The sperm spazzer is paying over the odds to deny his obligations to the children. He doesn’t want to see them.

These are siblings irregardless of frequency of contact.

Your mum put you in an unreasonable position, although she’s a victim here too. Don’t keep the secret.

Definitely tell your siblings, if they find out you knew and didn’t tell them it could ruin your relationship with them forever.

so we are told maybe the MUM would like a relationship.

would like the family to know and for her twins to meet her older siblings.

The mother wants nothing to do with him and his family.

How do you know that? She's a young, lone mother of young twins whose affair partner refuses involvement and is hiding these kids from his first family. What if something happened to her?

OP's dad made it family business when he fathered another family.

I don’t think your mum is your priority here. She’s had years to think about this and decide what she wants. It’s her choice. You don’t have to protect her or your dad at your or your siblings’ expense.

If I were close to my siblings, I wouldn’t strain my relationship with them by carrying a secret like that, unless I thought telling them would harm them in some way. I’d be particularly reticent to keep it from the younger sibling who might know her. Imagine being him - someone he knows, knows that he is the half sibling of her kids, but he doesn’t know. She’s almost certainly told a friend or two. How betrayed is he going to feel if that comes out in some way?

I’d also want to get in touch and try and get to know my half siblings if possible. Which I would not want to keep from my siblings.

Gosh. Hope all ok.