AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

Your mum will probably have more money if she divorces him. I imagine she feels embarrassed/ashamed, even though this is not her fault.

Has he updated his will to include/exclude these children? It could cause trouble if you and your siblings inherit his part of the house (hopefully your mum will, but), and the affair partner could get control of a share on behalf of the underage children.

So sorry OP, this is awful for you. Your mum will be ashamed of what’s happened no doubt (though it’s not her shame to carry obviously). I disagree with people saying it’s not your secret to tell, it’s a massive impact on you and you need to share it with your siblings. Hopefully your mum will understand but it really should be your dad doing this.

My mum is reluctant to tell them as she thinks my youngest sibling knows the girl as they are the same age

Ooh that’s rough.

Yeah sleeping on it is probably the best thing to do right now.

So sorry if I’ve missed it, but do your younger siblings live at home with your parents?

No my sister has moved to Manchester, my brother (the youngest) is local but has his own place.

Surely it’s more important for them to know if your sibling might know them

It seems surprising that if it's such a small close community and your brother knows this girl they've been able to keep this secret for so long undetected. I would wonder if the reason your mum has told you us because someone else knows the truth and it's all about to come to a head. In which case I would tell your siblings as soon as possible.

I did ask my mum this, apparently the girl has moved now, still in the county but a totally different area (apparently this wasn’t her choice but where she was allocated a council house). However you would think she might have told some of her friends or family?

If your sister might know the mom, you've really got to tell your siblings.

You're going to have to give your parents a you tell my siblings or I do. It's going to be really tough.

But your dad has 2 kids he won't parent from a possibly career ending affair and your mom has chosen to go along with that. This won't stay secret. Between DNA testing, possible health problems, or even the twins finding out who their dad is and looking for him, there's no chance this will stay hidden. If your siblings find out you knew and didn't tell them, that's going to harm your relationship.

And those two kids don't deserve to be his secret.

Good luck.

I also think your siblings should know your dad is a deadbeat dad. He thinks it's ok to pay but not parent.

It seems exceeding unlikely she hasn't told anyone else.

The fact your mum's kept this secret for 3 years and yet chosen to tell you now suggests heavily she knows it will come out soon. It makes little sense if she's made peace with staying with him and colluding in this mess that she would suddenly tell you out of the blue like this otherwise.

Some of her friends and or family will definitely know.

She’s getting over £700 a month maintenance everyone knows she had those babies with an older man with a steady job. But also a deadbeat. They will of slagged him off yet also laughed at the extra hush money. Knowing she can possibly kill his career also maintenance doesn’t count for universal credit if she gets it so quids in.

This.

Well of course she could be honest and say her mum told her but she decided the only way to manage things was to let her parents do as they wanted and not involve herself. It’s not unhelpful advice if it was even “advice” at all. It’s what I think I would do in @ellenred s place. Do say what you would do and presumably she can consider her options.

How odd. Her parents have obviously been trying to carry on regardless. Many many people have things they don’t talk about. It’s not always possible to make things better by forcing people to share their private stuff. This isn’t a chat show this is real life.

So, you've found found out that...

1. Your Dad had an affair.
2. With a former student some 30ish years younger.
3. Likely an acquaintance of your sister. Certainly her contemporary.
4. Your Dad refuses to see his own children so they are growing up without a Dad. Possibly without knowing even who he is.
5. Your Mum has been torn to pieces emotionally, psychologically and financially.

OP, that is a LOT. Not only is your Dad not who you thought he is, it turns out he is a pretty awful human. That alone is a helluva thing to process.

None of this should be a secret. Not from ANY of your siblings, which now includes these two young children. Who will in a few short years be asking lots of questions.

Your Mum needs therapy and the support of all her dc to leave your Dad.

You and your siblings need each other.

Your Dad needs to lose his job and his teaching credentials. Cuz grooming. I know that probably creates a lot of financial problems... but why do you believe this is the only girl he had sex with? He cannot remain in that job. Other young women may have stories to tell when this comes out.

Tell your siblings. Talk it out. Form a plan. Support Mum. And I'm so sorry this is happening to all of you.

I know it's not what you asked about, but I'm concerned that the situation - the financial obligation to the children and the threat to your father's career - is going to undermine your mother financially. She should be thinking seriously about divorce (even if she wants to stay in a relationship with him) just to preserve her income and assets.

Putting aside your dad's disgusting behaviour, ultimately your mum has put you in a very unfair position by telling you and then swearing you to secrecy. Now you're also complicit to concealing his deceit and these poor innocent kids.

I would tell your mum she's put you in an impossible situation and she needs to tell your siblings. Then you can all help support her when everyone knows. It's possible she thinks one or your siblings won't be able to forgive your dad and that's why she's reluctant but your sibling relationships will outlast your parents unfortunately so don't alienate them

It odd and unhelpful advice because real people are impacted by staying silent and pretending she doesn't know. Don't you think her siblings deserve to know they have two other siblings? How would you feel if your older sister kept this a secret and you found out years later or from a stranger?

I've already shared my own opinions on what I think she should do and that's not bury her head in the sand and pretend these children don't exist.

OP those kids will have a lifetime of consequences, psychological scars for sole fact that your dad is not part of their upbringing. I know it is not for you to sort or step up.

No I don’t think her siblings deserve to know or that I would hold it against a sibling being no put in this position. I think OPs mother has been terribly unkind but is probably not thinking straight. How adding to everyone’s distress by forcibly putting her parents choices is a good idea I cant imagine. I’d keep it to myself and find it a very hard line to hold.

I agree with everything you've said apart from the old bit! I'm 52 and believe me when you get to that age you'll still feel you're 35! So less of the old thank you very much! 🤣

YYY to this.

You and your siblings will end up carrying the can and supporting your mother in her old age when she is impoverished due to your father's selfishness.

Everyone needs to know what has happened and needs to plan accordingly because the financial ramifications of this for your mum will be enormous. She is already tightening her belt.

I urge you to push your mother into therapy so that she can unpack everything that has happened in a safe, neutral space.

Your mum is not at all too old to retrain for a good job that would allow her to keep earning well and to build up her own nest egg.

Divorcing, selling the family home, and getting her share of the equity would be the sensible way to go.

I think this is spot on.

Your mother couldn't carry the weight of this, but now expects you to. When your siblings find out (because they will at some point), it could drive a wedge between you. This is something you need to deal with together, as a sibling unit - to support your mother and figure out what sort of man your father is.

I'm really sorry, OP.

Op it's very odd for a student, who knows your sister to have just bumped into an ex teacher in his 50s whilst she's 21/22 and sleep with them if there's absolutely no history. I'm not saying that something absolutely happened but the fact she hasn't told anyone isn't looking good. I would prepare yourself that what your dad is telling your mum may not be the total story.

This.

I would very much prepare yourself for much worse to come out about your Dad. I hope not, but it really is quite likely.

Whilst I’m not saying there isn’t any chance this is deeper or more sinister.

I don’t think it is impossible that she could have run into him at the pub, the town isn’t massive, I’ve run into teachers in all sorts of places be it the pub, a cafe or getting my car cleaned, so at least in this town it’s perfectly feasible she would have ran into him. I can’t bring myself to think about how that would have turned to sex!