AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

To turn your own words back on you - that's you.
It worked for your family, but I'm sure at great cost to the betrayed party.

It wouldn't work for me.

Have these dirty old fuckers never heard of condoms

'Family events were enriched'? There will be one person at these events burying their pain and putting on a front, in order for these events to appear 'enriched'.

If it’s that much of a small town where 20 year olds run into their old teachers and shag them on a whim, then I’d be at least telling my brother before he ends up shagging her too! Imagine that, 2 sets of twins and the youngest set are aunts/uncles to the eldest.

Worthy of a Jeremy Kyle resurrection

I had a surprise sibling dropped on me in my 30s. It was bizarre and 10 yrs on its still all a little strange. They were in their 20s when we were introduced. All awkward in that they were raised by someone else and DNA proved we shared a dad much later in their life. Messy is the right word. Was so disappointed with dad but more disappointed that mum stayed. He at least told us all at the same time.

Have you spoken to your dad about it? everyone needs to know about these children. They cannot be a secret anymore. His lack of interaction with those children is setting them up for a lifetime of feelings that might include inadequacy. Your poor mum must feel so betrayed. Mine was angry for a very long time.

Also, does it sound like knowing about her DH'S betrayal has "enriched" (DM's) life?

It sounds to me like she was and is devastated by his betrayal, and probably the financial burden too. Unsurprisingly. And so much so that she doesn't want her other children to know.

Of course the 3 year old twins are innocent - but so are the wife and the 3 sisters.

Firstly, I would be checking that a DNA test had been done especially as it's not uncommon for twins to have a sgorter gestation.
Secondly, it really isnt your secret to be sharing. I would be guided by what your mother wants. Do you want to see her humiliated?

A reminder of the terrible evils that were around at that time.
Women discarded for being pregnant and sent to those terrible mother and baby homes to be punished for the sin of getting pregnant.
Yes, and divorce was considered equally bad.
Thank God those days are over

This in buckets.
the shame in his to carry alone.
not yours or your mums.
those children are people, not a dirty little secret.

not in a million years would I partake in his hideous cover up.

he can clean up his own mess.

And as a therapist I see the consequences of people hiding things and carrying on daily in therapy.

her mother cannot dump something monumental on her like this and shame her into keeping it a secret too.

everyone needs to know about these children. They cannot be a secret anymore. His lack of interaction with those children is setting them up for a lifetime of feelings that might include inadequacy.

They're probably going to feel a lot more than inadequate. Parental abandonment has terrible effects on kids well into adulthood. And just throwing money at the kids doesn't make up for it.

I couldn't have made the choice your mom did, to stay with a man who would not just cheat, but father children then ignore them and hide from them and not be an involved parent. Your dad is reprehensible but your mom, while being victimized by your dad, has chosen to go along with the decision to pretend those kids don't exist and is victimizing those twins by doing so.

I think this has exposed that your parents are very different people than you thought and in a shocking way. This is going to have huge effects on you and you might consider some short term counseling to help you. You might suggest that for your mom too.

With respect, you probably see a small proportion of people struggling with their lives as a result of not publicising their difficulties. There will be many many more who don’t need your services. So “as a therapist” probably shows your bias rather than superior understanding.

Hard disagree.
Psychological services and social services are completely inundated with the vast array of complex and wide spread issues caused by parental abandonment and complex family dynamics.
The complicity of staying silent and sweeping it under the rug never works. Ever.

There are small children at the centre of this. They need to remain the centre of everyone’s focus.

Its a shame they are not.

Of course you will need time to reflect on the bombshell that’s been dropped on you. But if it were me, I think I’d need a very honest talk with mum.

I’d be saying something like …. “Mum, I’m so glad you felt able to tell me. This must have been weighing on you so heavily and I’m angry that dad has put you in this position. I wish you’d felt able to share before now as there’s no way you should have had to shoulder such a secret.

But now you have told me, I think perhaps it’s time for my siblings to know, too. It doesn’t feel right for me to know and not them and I don’t think I can keep this a secret from them. I don’t want what dad has done to change my relationship with them, which it will, if they aren’t told. It isn’t fair to put me in this position, just as it wasn’t fair for dad to create this mess in the first place.

This is dad’s doing, and he should shoulder the burden of dealing with the fallout. I think he should tell my siblings what has happened and acknowledge the pressure he is putting on you. It it helps, perhaps the three of us could sit down together. I can explain I know what he has done and we can tell him it’s now time to tell my siblings. And that if he doesn’t, with mum’s permission I will.”

I would want her to know that I’m there to support her, that none of this is her fault and that she needs to put herself first. But that you won’t be complicit in keeping your dad’s secrets. And that the cat cannot be put back in the bag!

I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

Good post.

I think that is the sensitive way to go about it. OP's mum has been holding this secret for 3 years and finally confided in someone. It could feel like a betrayal to suddenly find that OP has just gone ahead and announced something she was told in confidence (albeit for the right reasons) but still there are ways of going about this sensitively whilst still supporting Mum.

Funny that its the OP and Mum who appear to feel so much guilt and shame... wonder how much of those emotions the Dad is feeling, now that he's got everyone keeping quiet about it. Including the girl who is now mother to twins.

This business of 'not your secret to tell' is such utter bullshit in an era of DNA tests.

Siblings deserve to make decisions about whether to have a relationship or not. What you might do might not be what they would do.

These secrets are not actually secrets. They are two human beings.

It always comes out in the wash one way or another.

Personally I don’t think it’s your secret to tell. I’m the same age (older) than your parents. Your dad is probably worried about his job, your mum feels shame. Your mum is actually wrong to tell you. If she was going to tell you, she should tell all of you, it’s unfair on you to carry that really. She was obviously having a moment that she felt she she wanted to unburden herself from it. She has no one else to tell or discuss it with.
I wouldn’t tell my siblings, but I’d be encouraging my mum/parents to tell them.

There was a very very similar situation in my family except the other children are only a few years younger than me and my dad managed to keep them secret from me, my sister and our mum until i was in my late 20s. My mum did NOT want to welcome them although has been polite.
my mum never left my dad and has been extremely bitter. I wish she’d known at the time and been given support to leave him instead of finding out a few years before he died (and he had dementia so never ended up explaining his actions

OP, I would suggest that your mum looks carefully at her will. If she dies first, it could be that her share of their joint assets would go to your dad and then divided up between all his children. My mum preferred that her share was just for her own children.

Id ask your dad to tell them! Otherwise tell them the facts and quickly.

Your dad’s behaviour is disgraceful! Cheated on his wife with a student younger than his own children and hasn’t told his other children. His employer also should be informed - he should have been sacked.

im so sorry for you and your mum.

Secrets and lies cause so much pain. 'Not your secret'? He shoulda thought about that before he screwed around and came inside a woman at the peak of her fertility

Why should the OP be complicit in keeping Dad's 'dirty little secret'?

Why must she take on the role of enabling him to be a prick and not take full responsibility?

What is to be gained by telling your siblings?
Why, would you do that when your mother (who is the real victim here) has begged you not to?Do you want to betray her trust too? Do you want to heap embarrassment on her, do you want to likely cause the end of her marriage?
Another thought, is this woman blackmailing your dad?

This isn't just between the parents. It never should have been.

OP's mom chose to tell OP. That choice made OP involved. She has the right to choose what to do about that, not necessarily following mom's footsteps in hiding this from the family. Keeping the secret about having 2 other siblings could wreck OP's relationship with her own siblings.

I suspect it's been covered up because the truth coming out would end her dad's career if it got to his employer. With that, it really raises questions about his fitness to be in his profession.

If the dad is a teacher the oldest students he could teach would be 18, and this woman must have been aroundb22 at tge timevof their conception. So unlikely any formal action could be taken, but it would look very tacky! As i daid earlier though, i wonder if it is your dad's choice to pay her so much, or if she is blackmailing your parents.

Is the mother being given money on the premise of keeping her mouth shut about the parentage of her twins?

Given that she is perfectly capable of telling someone and small towns have a habit of gossip, this isn't going to stay a secret and expecting it to is quite frankly bloody ridiculous and unrealistic.