AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

She’s a single mum of young twins. Hopefully the additional money is simply to help her get by- I’m home with my 4yo today and I can alternate days off work with my dh and there’s only one 4yo…

I’d try and find more about why my mum didn’t want my siblings to know, why she’s protecting him.
can you pay for just her to come on the trip and tell your dad you know and he’s not coming?

I imagine this has rather strained your relationship with your dad, so your siblings will probably need an explanation

Your poor mum. But also that poor young woman who sounds like she was groomed. And those little kids who don't have a dad.

I’ve been turning this over and over. I think I’d be supporting my Mum but telling her your father has an obligation to tell you and your siblings they have half-siblings. Half-siblings should never be hidden.

If he can have an affair and tell his wife then he should get his big boy pants on and tell you and your siblings. You and his other children have a right to know about each other.

If he doesn't come clean to you all you might have to take things into your own hands but just make sure you keep supporting your Mum.

this

I've got twins. They are bloody hard work with two parents. I hope this poor young woman has help. What a shit your DF is. So she was probably 21 when she got pg? Then he walked away? Lovely. Why doesn't he see them?

You dad is one who needs to tell your siblings. He needs to face up to the consequences of his actions instead of everyone else dealing with it

A teacher having a relationship with an ex student is very serious business. It quite rightly should impact his career. It a significant safeguarding concern and rightly so. It should be reported and I’m amazed it hasn’t been already.

This situation will inevitably become known to siblings at some stage. The sooner the better to minimise the feelings of hurt and betrayals.
Secrets become bigger and more harmful the longer they are covered up. Siblings will be very upset but more so in the future if they know what was kept from them.
And what about the innocent 3 year olds and their mum, raising them alone?

I would say stop

You have just received this information

Which is totally mind blowing

All of a sudden your world, your safety has gone kaput

Sit with is a while

Perhaps keep a journal?notepad to write down feelings , emotions and decisions and timetable

Right now dont be making decisions that will impact on so many lives,

Your mum has been living with all this for at least 3 years and had coped , so staying quiet for a while long - for you, shouldn't be a big deal. Take time to talk to Mum, find out want she wants going forwar. Maybe she has spilled the beans to you so you will be outraged enough to have here move in with you , who knows until you sit and talk to them

Dont go off half cocked. Many many families keep secrets from each other because the family unit may ne more important then truth

I was 11 when my mum packed the house up snd moved out whilst we ( 2 sisters and myself ) were in school. A year later her and dad were divorced. us kids were sent to Aunties in Ireland , where we were warned not to mention the divorce as it would kill Granny . Granny ( devout catholic ) went to her grave never knowing her only son was divorced.

Not every truth needs to be shared

If this was me I'd want to contact the woman and get to know the twins.

It's horrible for your poor mum, but that doesn't excuse two children growing up cut off from their entire paternal family. The children are innocent in all this. They, and my mum, would be my priority. Your dad is a terrible person and I wouldn't be keeping his secrets for him.

Agreed -- and presumably they only have his word for it that it started when she was older/no longer his student.

Silence money

I’m an eldest sibling.

In your shoes, I would 100% tell my siblings.

I’d imagine your mum begging you not to tell them is just to avoid more and more of the family/other people finding out. Your mum will be ashamed and embarrassed, although she has nothing to be ashamed of, it’s your dad who should be ashamed.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.

If the dad wants to Will something that's fine.

I guess the OP mum wont want her assets going to other woman's children

He’s a teacher in his 50s. £750 per month happens to be pretty much exactly 16% of gross pay for a teacher at the top of the upper pay range.

Dear god.... Brief affair eh? 🤔 No wonder you are shocked OP, this is a lot to discover.

I think the OP said it should be 600 based on income?

I'm not saying he should not pay, 100% he should. Whatever the going rate is.

But by overpaying is he putting OP mum in financial hardship? That isn't right either. She should not be paying for his mistakes.

Yeah, nothing bad could happen from encouraging people to cover for people who might deserve to be barred from working with children.

I despair!

The mother can give her half to her kids and the dad should do the same?!

The twins would surely be entitled to inherit anyway. But might be difficult to prove parentage unless he's named on the birth certificate as the father

the extra could be silence money. Tho if an ex student , yes it’s not great but if she wasn’t at the college any more when the affair started then his head doesn’t need to know

so guess depends when the affair started an was he her tutor at the time

I have been in a somewhat similar situation. When I was 22, I found out that my Dad had a secret child. I told my parents that they needed to tell my brother; they said they would, but time passed and they never did.

I carried that secret alone for 15 years, and told my brother literally the day after my Dad died. OP, I cannot stress enough how the weight of that secret tore me apart.

I would strongly advise sitting with your parents (does your Dad know you know yet?) and telling them -,or more specifically, your Dad - that they must tell your siblings, or you will.

If he doesn't tell them, I would try to get everyone together, and say to your Dad, in front of them, that he needs to tell them. Force his hand.

Above all else, absolutely prioritise supporting your Mum.

I wish you all the best.

I understand that this is so difficult for you OP, but you need to speak to your dad and it is his duty to tell his children.

Terrible as it is, these things happen. We have a a young child in our immediate family that doesn’t know he has a step brother. His immediate family all collude in this secret, because they are weak and continue to spread decades of multi-generational dysfunction.

Many would say that ultimatums are not good but, in this case maybe necessary.

I think that while it's not your secret to tell, it's also not yours to be burdened to keep. Your parents aren't thinking about their relationship, its breakdown, potential repair (or not) and the family.

Ultimately, I think they need to figure out what went wrong between them and establish a stable platform for telling your siblings themselves. You could ask/set them for a time limit on this process while making it clear that in the long term you can't keep their secrets from people whom that the secret keeping affects. Then you are both giving your parents some time and honouring the relationship you have with your siblings.

They may not want or do any of this, but at least with a time limit you can then take the actions you need.

Having spoken to my mum some more, she is pretty certain the relationship started years after he last taught her. The story goes she was home for Christmas and my dad ran into her in the pub, the brief affair last a few weeks. She would have been 21 at the time.
I asked my mum why she wants it to be kept secret and why she hasn’t left him. She told me she doesn’t want to leave him, she loves him etc.

I told her my siblings need to know. My mum is reluctant to tell them as she thinks my youngest sibling knows the girl as they are the same age and while my dad taught in a different school, our town isn’t massive so most kids of the same age know each other regardless of which school they went to.

I will sleep on it.

I also don’t think they are actually in poverty, they own their home outright, my dad works full time, my mum part time. It’s probably more that they just don’t have the spare cash they would have otherwise.