AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

This.

Sorry your father is a shit, look after you mother.

Sorry for you children.

You should absolutely tell
your siblings. They have a right to know about them and also the poor children growing up without a dad and without any paternal family members knowing about them. In that situation I’d want to meet them regardless of the circumstances.

Indeed. The OPs mum has kept this secret for years and it's obviously become problematic for her but that shouldn't mean the OP has to keep a secret she never wanted in the first place.

They are being supported by their father so if not in his will they would have good grounds for challenging it.

These are her siblings, it's her story to tell of she wants too.

Just to inject a little sanity - £750 per month as the sum total of any contribution to the lives of your two children is not high; it's pathetic. Jesus.

Dont pander to this disgusting man any longer. He has already manipulated your poor mother into staying with him which makes me so angry. Now he has manipulated her into not even being able to confide in her own children about his unfaithfulness, AND secret children. For 3 fucking years??? Disgusting.

Tell them now and dont you dare feel bad about it. You all need to have a serious talk with your mum on why on earth she would want to spend the remainder of her life with this person, when she could be free to live a life of not being cheated on and forced to keep secrets from her own kids. Now draining their finances to support his two infant kids he doesnt give a fuck about. Clearly has manipulated her into thinking hes such a caring man by sending so much money every month, even extra, wow! What an absolute nob. Tell them.

But the mother has chosen to stay with a spouse who impregnated one of his students and keep his secret. It's likely a career ending secret of it gets out that he's had kids with one of his students. Would she divorce him if it comes out and he loses his job?

That choice has consequences too.

The mother is willing to risk a huge fallout between her own kids when this finally comes out rather than address it. And it will come out.

16% of a teacher's gross salary is just under £700, so perfectly feasible. It's nothing in the context of child maintenance imo, but a lot to be giving away each month without the "cover stories" for why they have no money being sustained. Kids are expensive and more so the older they get. How does he expect to keep this up?

OP, I could not keep that from my siblings. You can support your mum whilst making it clear this isn't your burden to carry. I would be giving my dad an ultimatum to come clean because the truth will out some day; it's inevitable. Better now than having it come out much later down the line when other life circumstances (elderly parents, illness, bereavement etc) make it harder to deal with them finding out and, on top of that, finding out you knew too.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

If this were me I’d be telling my dad he has 48hrs to tell my siblings that they have other siblings before you tell them.

he doesn’t need to know that your mum told you, you can say you found it out from elsewhere.

Yuck.

Not only did your father have an affair with someone pretty much the same age as his children, but what's worse an ex-pupil (I wonder how "ex" she actually was?) and now has nothing to do with the twins.

You have to tell your siblings. This has consequences for the whole family.

You should change your name to oh that’s bat shit.

ignore this ridiculous piece of “advice” OP

He is paying extra because he got a 21 year old former student pregnant.

Is he a Primary school teacher or did he really abuse his position as a Secondary school teacher, or does he work in a F E college.

Absolutely tell your siblings.

id be so disgusted with my dad and would never look at him the same way.

not just for what he’s done as a teacher, but for leaving 2 whole human beings fatherless for life as their an inconvenience .

disgraceful

Unlike what most seem to say on here if my mother begged me not to say something then absolutely I wouldn't. It could really send her over the edge that she is probably clinging onto.

I would be speaking to both my parents and say your siblings need to be told and keep having the conversation until they do

Take your time, there’s no need to rush. It’s waited several years to come out now, so there’s no point in rushing. Find out more from your mum, give her some support, and at some point she will be ready for the news to be shared more widely. You are in shock too, that your family is not what you thought it was (I have experience of this in a slightly different way). Give yourself some time too. It’s not going to be a secret forever.

Absolutely tell your siblings. They would not forgive you for hiding this. Your poor mum is being put in an awful position. I can’t believe she can bear to stay with him!

Your father is a disgrace, but I’m sure you know this. Sounds like he had an inappropriate relationship and is paying her extra hush money. I wouldn’t be surprised if this all comes out and he loses his career or worse.

And what happens if they decide they're not going to tell the other children? Do you just keep the secret indefinitely. It is not up to the OPs mum to say she can't inform her siblings that they have two other siblings.

I agree with some PP, I’d tell them that either they disclose it to your siblings, or I would. They have a right to know (and I’m of the opinion that some public shaming in affairs is never amiss, play stupid games, win stupid prizes).

I feel for your mum. She’s within her rights to forgive him, but your father not owning up to his shit even with his immediate family says everything we need to know about him. What a vile man. I hope she sees sense soon.

Seems he is over paying as a guilt thing maybe as doesn’t see them / think op said £600 was the amount but he pays over

yes I get kids are costly and cms doesn’t really cover costs

Of course you shouldn't tell them. Your mother asked you not to, and that should be reason enough.
She has obviously forgiven your father for his mistake and the whole matter is their business, not anyone else's.
Despite what pp has said, your siblings' future inheritance should have nothing to do with it! It's your parents' money to spend as they choose.

p.s. if you really need to discuss this with someone, you can phone Samaritans. No need to involve your siblings.

There is absolutely fuck all chance I would keep this information from my brother if I found it out. I think you need to give your parents the chance to tell them first, but either way they need to know.

Maybe he’s overpaying so that she sits pretty? This could have serious consequences for him career wise.

You can deny an affair but you can’t deny an actual child.

I don't see why you'd need to cover up for him.

His dirty secret was obviously too much for your poor Mum to keep to herself and it will be a lot for you to carry, too.

Telling your siblings will hopefully provide more support for Mum.

Dad needs to meet the consequences of his actions.