AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

I think your mum needs you and your siblings support because she is devastated and she’s been told to keep quiet because he doesn’t want to lose your respect. He wants to carry on like he’s a great guy but he’s betrayed his wife, forced her into poverty, got an ex student pregnant and turned his back on his twins.

Definitely tell them. I'm so sorry OP, but I'd also be reporting him to whoever the teaching boards are too. I don't care if she was 22 at the time she got pregnant, having an affair with someone who was his pupil is disgusting. How can you even be sure it started after she was no longer his student?!

This!
It's not your responsibility to inform your siblings, but they should know and it's reasonable for your father to tell them.

So he's a crappy Dad as well as a seedy, cheating bastard?!

I'd really struggle to maintain a relationship with my Dad after that.

Your Mum should divorce him to free herself of this financial burden to his affair children.

It’s an awful position to put you in. She might think it’s not your secret to tell, but it’s not your secret to keep either. Do you think your siblings would want to know? Or would they be angry at you for bringing it all out into the open?

Have you spoken to your dad since? How do you feel about him? Will you carry on talking to him? If you decided that you didn’t want to have much, if anything, to do with him from now on, you could always tell your siblings that he’s not the man you thought he was and that they’d need to talk to your parents if they want to know why.

I think your mum needs to understand that this is a secret that cannot stay hidden forever. And it must be absolutely humiliating for her, but the longer it’s kept secret, the more shocked, hurt, angry and disgusted your siblings will be. What happens in ten years when the children work out how to track down their father? And if you and your siblings have children around the same age, how long do you think it will take them to work that out? What happens when your siblings notice that your parents can’t afford to do anything or go anywhere and start asking questions? Can you imagine your siblings reactions knowing that you sat there on family occasions, letting everyone think their dad was a good man, when you knew all along that he was just another pathetic liar and cheater? Are you ready for their anger towards you?

This is definitely a bad idea. He could not only lose his job, but could also be barred from the teaching profession. And OPs Mum would be forced to work even harder to support her unemployable husband.

that’s the hush money / guilt price point

Regardless of who tells and when, it WILL come out at some point. Might as well rip the plaster off

I disagree, I really don't care if he loses his job if he is a predator. Ops mum needs to run a mile and divorce him anyway, he is vile.

This, the dirty bastard. I’d never be able to look at him again

Your poor mum. Why she's stayed with him is a mystery to me. She deserves better.

I would tell my siblings. Fuck protecting him and their views of him. They need to know he isnt the wonderful man your mum is allowing him to be made out to be.

I would be very spiteful if this was me. I would text my dad and tell him I know his dirty secret and im not prepared to hide it and im telling my siblings. He doesnt get to be the "wonderful" husband and dad anymore.

That's just me though but I wouldnt be allowing him ti walk around like dad of the year for sure.

Was the twins mum over 18? Did the relationship develop when she was a child ? Why is your mum keeping this a secret and protecting your dad @ellenred . I can imagine it will be a scandal if/when it gets out that a teacher had a secret affair with his former pupil .

I would tell your siblings.

Keeping this secret will not have done your Mother's health any good.

Tell them at a time you can talk it through so they think about any impact of their reaction on their mother.

The twins are your and your siblings half siblings and if you/your siblings want to try to form a relationship with them or try to support to their mother then you have the right to try. I don't think your parents have the right to block that relationship.

The OP's dad should definitely tell his other children- what if THEY have children who eventually meet their auntie/ uncle and befriend them.....or MORE?
What an awful burden for the OP and her mum to carry.

This is absolute rubbish.

Did anyone check the DNA?

I would never keep this from my sibling. I’m sure we’d have a pretty comprehensive discussion about it and we might disagree about what to do about it but I’d never keep it from them.

I’d also not be able to look my dad in the eye ever again, I’d be so disappointed in him

The ship about it being no one else's business sailed rather swiftly when the OPs mother told her don't you think. Although I'd argue it's absolutely the business of someone to know that they have two other siblings.

I would definitely tell them. I was the family dirty secret and I am sick of the lies and deceit that went on and attempts to pretend I didnt exist.

But why should these babies have to miss out too? Their dad is already never seeing them and now you want them to have nothing from the will? Its not their fault their dad is at best a creep.

So they were both adults but big age difference ?
Did she want him to see them or did he not want to have any contact.

Nowadays with things like ancestry etc, it would never be able to stay a secret forever anyway. It sounds like your mum needs support from you all, maybe she’s just found out or maybe she’s been trying to keep it all in for a while but she told you for a reason, so it will all come out anyway so I’d tell your siblings so they can be prepared to support your mum, as it sounds like she might be starting to get ready to face what he’s done and get the strength together to leave him.

He’s paying her over the odds to keep her quiet.

He’s teacher. She was his student. He doesn’t want his employers or anyone else knowing he had an affair with a girl he used to teach, so he’s paying more money than he needs to in return for her not telling people what happened.

My guess would be this is also keeping quiet money...

Very sorry that you are having to deal with this OP.
Such a complex set of emotions and betrayals.
This is too much for you to carry alone.
Please speak to your mum and explain how you feel the need to share.
What about the twins and their wellbeing?
Speaks volumes about your dad that he isn't seeing them.
Please take care of yourself OP, you are dealing with so much right now.