AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

Obviously your father is the villain in all this, but your mother shouldn't be trying to guilt you into keeping this a secret. She had a choice to tell you or not. Now she's unburdened herself to you, it's no longer in her power to control whether it goes any further. How is it any worse if your siblings know, now that you do? I'd want the support of my siblings and would insist they be told.

I call bull, you want to know why it's such a big secret, yet you're blindsided by this. Are you insane or is this fantasy? Seriously

Yes, that's right - all children get an equal share of one third of the moveable estate.

Take your mum on the trip btw, sounds like she needs it!

Honestly I wouldn’t tell your siblings I would concentrate on being there to support your mum and try getting her to tell your siblings, I really feel for your mum & you, this must be a shock

No. People don't have the right to offload secrets like this on you and expect you to keep them. That's completely unfair.

The £750 sounds like an underpayment for children you don't bother to see, especially when there's a huge age gap and the mother is a former student (she must have only been in her early 20's when they conceived... it's a gross mismatch of power).

OP, I would tell them. Your mum has chosen to stick by your dad but there's no chance in hell that I'd risk my relationship with my siblings to protect his dirty secrets.

I’m so sorry, and of course your siblings need to know although it’s up to you if you tell them immediately or whether you give your dad a deadline to do it himself.

for those saying “it’s not your news to tell”- please stop. If you haven’t been in this situation you have no idea how damaging it is, and therefore how much everyone who is affected needs to be in the know and supporting each other.

my dad did this too x

How are you OP? I have been through a remarkably similar situation albeit I was younger.

My father had another whole family, the kids being very close in age to my DC. The bit that destroyed me, and still does, is that I come from a small town and everyone seemed to know for years.

Please give yourself time to basically grieve. It took me twenty years or so to try to get it all out of my system. All the lies, the betrayal , the broken everything. I then had a massive breakdown in my 40s. So I carry it with me always.

Yes your siblings need to be told at once. All of you should have been told years ago and your DM should have divorced your father. He’s a lying cheating scumbag (sorry I know he’s also your dad and you will love him as I do mine).

Please give your DM my love, what my poor mum went through as well as us kids was soul destroying. The humiliation and shame will be unbelievable for you all and none of you should ever have to go through that. I was suicidal at one point as a teen due to it all.

Just be aware there are a few of us around who have also been through similar.

there's no chance in hell that I'd risk my relationship with my siblings to protect his dirty secrets.

This is the crux of the issue. It's all good saying it's not her secret to tell but when her siblings inevitably find out and the shit hits the fan and they decide to blame the OP for not saying anything it's her relationship that suffers needlessly.

What’s in it for your Mum to be keeping this a secret? You really need to understand this from her perspective so I’d suggest taking some time with your Mum to learn that before you decide what to do. It might sound extreme but is this genuinely a couple trying to rebuild a marriage or is there a control element involved that your Mum needs help to escape?

Have you had a chance to consider if you want a relationship with your youngest siblings? Or if any of your four siblings would want a relationship with each other.

This secret will be revealed sooner or later and it’s impossible to know what way will cause the least damage. Whatever you do, there’ll be fall out be it now or in the future. There will always be people that say you’ve done the wrong thing. I really feel for you to have to handle this. Good luck.

Your mother was stupid to tell you if she didn't want it to get back to your siblings, which makes no sense when you think about it. Either all of you should know or none of you should.

They are all victims. I’ve been through it myself.

I would try to forget about it and pretend I didn’t know.

My dad did too.

I think it's best to tell your siblings now rather than keep two children secret. If it doesn't come out before, it will come out when he dies. If one of the family does Ancestry, they could find out that way. I don't think they would appreciate you keeping this quiet.

I'd want to know if I had brothers or sisters out there. I'd also want to meet up. They're little kids growing up without a dad and none of this is their fault.

Your dad wants to keep secret the fact that he had an affair with one of his students quiet to protect his job. He knew better but violated ethical standards anyway. Reprehensible man. He shouldn't be teaching if he is the kind of man who would have affairs with his students.

I think the actual victims here are the twins. They're growing up with a single mom and no dad in their life. If something happened to her, what would happen to the kids?

I'd let your mom know you're not keeping his secret from your siblings so she can prepare for the fallout. I'm sure finding this out has been a big shock, take care of yourself.

So he doesn’t want a relationship with them and basically pays for their silence

I would not let my father's shocking behaviour (and mum's weird complicity) drive a wedge between me and my siblings. I'd 100% tell them.

Your father had a relationship with an ex student, who was 20. Disgusting!
I would be very concerned for his current pupils.

In the hierarchy of victimhood, the wife is way way above anyone else.

Also you seem to have skipped over what I said here:
Your role here is to support her, with the aim that she eventually feels able to tell them herself.

The siblings do need to know. But OP 's mum has already been deprived of any control over the situation. One of the worst things that @ellenred could do, is to take away her control of the information (and consequently lose her trust) by telling her siblings when she's expressly been asked not to do so.

OP needs to take a bit of time, talk to her mum, listen to her mum, and encourage her to take control and tell her other children.

That's really unhelpful advice. She can't pretend she doesn't know. When it inevitably becomes common knowledge and her mum lets slip she's known for years is she supposed to just lie?

... And drive a wedge between her and her mother, instead.

You don’t get to decide a hierarchy of victimhood here. There are multiple ones and they all need to be considered.

I also haven’t seen anyone suggest they publicly name and shame the dad either, so it’s not even as if all siblings knowing will immediately force her to make decisions on her future.

Speaking from direct personal experience, it may be her mother’s shame that is stopping her from leaving him- and that won’t be overcome by keeping it a secret.

Why is your mum still with him?

£750 is nothing! Half of all costs for two children is way more than that! I hope your DF is going to ensure that both of his additional offspring are fully financially supported until they’re adults and not force the taxpayer to subsidize their mum’s costs because he won’t. You father a child, you fund half the cost of that child (or in his case, two children).

Tell your siblings! Your dad has blown up the family with his actions alone. You’ll need to work together to support one another and your DM.

Is your father still teaching? I’d be concerned about any other students!

I agree with this @outerspacepotato

’I'd want to know if I had brothers or sisters out there. I'd also want to meet up. They're little kids growing up without a dad and none of this is their fault’.

can assume most people would be extremely unhappy and feel betrayed that their sibling (and mum) knew what a scuzzy degenerate their father was and hid it from them! Why the chuff is his behaviour being protected?!