AIBU to tell my siblings about dad’s secret twin toddlers?

[ellenred]

So I have no idea what to do with this information.

My parents are both in their early 50s, I’ve just turned 30 and I have 2 younger siblings. My mum is a nurse, my dad is a teacher and honestly you would think they are the most well rounded lovely people if you ever met them.

Today I asked my mum if she and my dad want to come on a trip with us. My mum told me they couldn’t afford it and got quite upset. She then revealed to me that my dad has 2 “secret”
children, a boy and a girl who are twins, age 3. She told me that their mum is only 25 and my dad doesn’t see these children ever but sends her £750 a month in maintenance, which is a drain on their finances.
I asked why this is such a big secret and my mum told me that the mum is an ex student of my dad’s, so he has gone out of his way to keep it under wraps. She told me that they had a brief affair.

I feel totally blindsided by this information and to be honest I really want to share it with my siblings who I’m very close to, but my mum has begged me not to tell them.

I don’t even know how to feel or what to think.

Would I be unreasonable to share this with my siblings? They’ve kept this a secret for 3 years and I don’t want to carry the weight of that alone. These children will be about the same age as my eldest!

My god. Some poor girl is raising 2 children on her own. 750 is fuck all

Agree with this.

If you respect your mum, you respect her wishes. We should be able to tell close family members things in confidence without them sharing with the rest of the family, including their partner. In confidence should mean confidence.

Take some time to process yourself. Then talk to your mum about it more. Why did she choose to stay with your dad? Has she had therapy about it or told anyone else? Why didn’t she tell you all at the time? Why did she choose to be complicit in your dad breaching employment/safeguarding requirements?

She may need support to protect herself from the consequences of your dad’s actions. Does she have her own income? Their joint finances and thereby her options for holidays, and potentially retirement, have been severely compromised by your dad’s need to pay maintenance. That seems very unfair. If he loves and respects your mum, he should be working two jobs to pay the maintenance, rather than expecting your mum to forgo holidays with her kids!

Once you've processed, explain you don’t feel comfortable keeping this from your siblings as it’ll affect your relationship with them, especially if they find out later you knew and they didn’t. Encourage her to tell them. Your mum may need to see hr kids’ perspective. To her, these twins are the product of an affair she may have agreed to forgive on the condition your dad never sees them or their mother. But to you and your siblings, they’re your biological half-siblings. Very different.

You’ll also need to consider how this will impact your siblings at the age/lifestage they’re at. Finding this out could affect their mental health or ability to trust.

Another one

'oh he's lovely, my Graham, my dad'

The dude has TWINS that he's not parenting. Leaving it up to the woman

My life

I would tell your dad (not mum, its not her secret to keep) that you will kindly give him a week to tell your siblings, but after that you will be talking to them about it because they are family and you need to be able to discuss this with them.
I am so angry on your mum's behalf. For him to have an affair, with someone half his age, which then means they are short on money and impacts her quality of life? I'm sure you love your dad but he is abominable.

Your poor mum. Can you somehow pay for her (alone) to join you or part contribute?!

I would not be able to speak to my disgusting excuse for a father for a long while. How do you feel about that?

I agree with PPs to sit them down. Tell them your siblings need to know and they have X days to tell them. Otherwise you will.

Imagine your dad dies one day and it all comes out, and they find out you knew!!

Is it possible the additional money is so she keeps her mouth shut? I don’t know if a teacher can be sacked for fathering children outside his marriage with a former student half his age but I doubt it’s good for his career.

Your poor mum. Please support her. Also poor you, this must be very stressful.

Your poor mum what a disgusting beast of a father now having your poor mother live in poverty when she should be enjoying her life. Get your disgusting father told he should be protecting you his children instead he wants his shame to become your mothers and siblings by hiding what a selfish human being he is. I think his AP is right to keep her children away from him who would want a father like that. Your poor poor mother

Your poor mum , what an awful thing to happen . She is carrying a heavy burden and needs a lot of support .I feel sorry for the young mum and the children too .

So sorry, OP, what a shock.

I think spend more time with your Mum finding out everything about how she feels and what she wants.

I would try and tell her that like you all her Dc will want to support her. And in the end, if your father is deeply contrite and determined to rebuild his marriage (and IF that is what she wants) then you will have to support your Mum in that. Plenty of people have rebuilt marriages after affairs - including where there have been children. Won't be for us all but plenty do.

Maybe he is paying a reasonable amount because his promise to your mum is that he will never see the woman or the children again.

Try and persuade her that this is a family matter because those children are actually related and if not now, in 15 years time, one of them will do an Ancestry thing (they will because their Mother is presumably telling them nothing meaningful about their father) and if any family member has also done it it will all come out. Tell her it is a huge burden for you to share and you don't feel comfortable not telling your siblings.

She does need to think about the Will thing - now. If she wants to leave her estate and her share of the house to HER Dc it needs to be in her Will. Anything can happen to any of us at any time. If everything of hers went to your father dependent children would have strong grounds to inherit or contest. And if their house is owned as Joint Tenants rather than Tenants In Common then she needs to get that unpicked. IF she wants to leave her half of anything to her own kids,

Good luck OP - all very upsetting.

I guess it all depends when the affair started. By basic maths she was pregnant at 21ish? I'm not sure what the definition of "brief affair" is

So the twins mum would have been 20 - 21 when she became pregnant with someone who was her teacher maybe 2 - 4 years earlier.

I think your dad would be well advised to change careers or at least move sideways into teaching adults so you can all be less scared of the information coming out.

Not sure what I think of somebody who is a competent parent not doing any parenting of their 3 year old twins.

Give you mum the opportunity to tell your siblings herself but don't keep the secret for ages.

Does she want to divorce him?

This is what I'm thinking.
It's not your place to out them.
For whatever reason, your mother has held on to this for 3 years, and you don't know what your disclosure may disrupt, especially as you don't have all the facts.
Support your mother for now and allow her the space to deal with this in hrr own way.
I don't understand adults who are incapable of supporting someone in confidence.
For now, that is what your mother needs.

I don’t think £750 sounds like loads.
It works out at around £90 per week per child and considering how much rent/bills/childcare costs it seems fair to me.
He is probably paying more because he’s hoping it will keep her quiet. Would he lose his pension if it comes to light he was sleeping with a student?
I really hope your mum sees sense and divorces him but in the meantime I’d tell your dad that he has a week to tell your siblings or you’ll do it yourself.

The entitlement is a share of the moveable estate so not property. So if the Dad has a house worth £300K and £50K in cash, jewellery, shares, cars then the children are entitled to share 1/3 of the £50K. The house would go to whoever the father left it to and wouldn't be split. If the father's wife is dead the share of the moveable estate rises to 50%. For most families it's not a lot.

I had a £60k job and full time cms worked out on govt website for 2 kids was £680 a month 3 years ago.

Are you 100% sure your Mum is telling the truth/is she quite well?

Just thinking of all bases here...sounds like such a bolt from the blue.

Well I don't agree that it is not your secret to tell. What happens if be suddeny dies?! There are two additional people entitled to the inheritance!

Hmm I’m not sure. The twins are blood relatives of the OP siblings, too, now.

Your mum is a fool for keeping this a secret, for not kicking his sorry arse to the curb the day she found out, and for watching quietly while her retirement goes up in smoke.

Does your mum work?
Does she have savings?

Do your parents own / mortgage or rent their home?

If they own it, it should be sold, she should take a bigger cut of the equity (assuming she took maternity leave or a career break that cut into her NI contributions and your dad never paid that for her).

Your mum is still young enough to retrain for a better job, if needed.

Please tell your siblings. The only person protected by your mum's silence is your worthless father. He has screwed up two women's lives and she oelwes him nothing.

Is your dad a domineering, controlling, or overbearing man in any way? Your mum's response here suggests he is controlling.

Its not Mum's secret to keep.

These are the OPs younger siblings. She and her other siblings may want a relationship. Thats not up to Mum or Dad to dictate either...

Tell them. Or risk being caught out when it comes out you knew and didn't tell them.

Your Dad abused his position. Thats not ok. All the secrets and lies only make it worse now.

@ellenred so that’s £135,000 over the next 15 years your dad will be paying in maintenance. Do he and your mum have joint finances? As your mum says no to going away with you it suggests that him paying for his secret children is affecting her financially too. Which really isn’t on.

I agree with all of that.

Your mum is probably reeling.

She does not deserve to be facing poverty in her old age.

Please persuade her to see a solicitor about her rights, and to get therapy to deal with the terrible thing her own husband has dumped in her lap.

I'd strongly urge your mum to consider divorce, to safeguard her own financial future.

Tell your dad that if he doesn’t tell them then you will. It’s his behaviour that caused this, not your poor mums.

Her mum is a nurse

On the first point, depends on where he was teaching. If an FE college, she could’ve been a current student. If a former student, depends on how he kept in touch with her or if they met again at random years later. Possible it could be considered grooming.