Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

i don’t make the upstairs toddler safe if I have one visiting.

so I’d say it’s off limits.

if you want to go in specifically your room then ask (but she might say I piled tall the dangerous stuff in there so no!)

I dont know if anyone is unreasonable here. Its now her home and she must have her stuff in your old room but i get it. Couldn't you just have said you wanted to show.it to.your daughter or asked your dad even? Id have just asked.

Maybe they turned it into something else and it really isn’t how you are picturing it.

My children don’t venture upstairs in my parents house. I think they should be afforded their privacy in their own homes if that’s what they wish.

Hmmm I’m kinda on their side tbh once you’ve moved out they can do what they like and don’t have to make it open

I think it’s fine for visitors not to have free rein of upstairs rooms but I would just ask and say can I show DD my old bedroom?

YABU. I think she is being very unfair and unkind. You have longer relationship with this house than she does, and she should be sensitive to that while also making it her own.

I think it would be odd to let your daughter wander around someone else's house. It's presumably not child friendly and they are entitled to their own space. Would you want her hanging out in your bedroom?

Just ask if you want DD to see your old room. But it may field weird to see it full of your dad's wife's clothes!
It's their home and they have the right to ask visiting children, even family, to stay downstairs rather than roaming around. This could be to avoid having to childproof every room, or just because they like some private space.

Im sorry I dont see why a 2 year old needs to be roaming around people houses. I wouldn't appreciate anyone going into my personal space. My lads who live at home wouldn't want people in their space either. As for 2 year old needing to see your old room I don't understand it as they won't remember anyway.

She’s not a ‘visitor’ in the traditional sense. This is her childhood home and her family still lives there (would be different if it had been sold to someone external and you were literally just visiting, but that’s not the case here)

Until recently my late father still lived in the house I was actually born in, and yet I don't think my DC have ever been upstairs?

It's just not something I'd think to do in someone else's house.

And since I moved out and got married, it was someone else's house.

My children’s bedrooms are now my grandchildren’s bedrooms. They (the GC) cannot comprehend a time before they were born so they don’t really get that the room was once uncle x’s room.

lm a bit torn. I do see your POV but also it's not your house anymore.

FWIW my daughter wouldn't really go upstairs at my mum's but would and does absolutely poke around in very room and cupboard at my MILs house 😂

Yeah, she shouldn't have turned your old bedroom into a wardrobe. How many clothes does she need?

For context, my step-mum lives with my DF in house that was not my childhood home. All the cupboards in the spare bedrooms are filled with her stuff (my dad has the wardrobe in their room) but the actual rooms are clear and ready for family to stay. We obviously do not need cupboard space when staying a few nights.

I'm curious to know her situation. Did she own her own home and money before she met your DF? This does sound like CF 'cocklodger' behaviour 😆

You are not being unreasonable!
How lovely to be able to show your daughter your childhood bedroom.
How lovely to have had the same bedroom for 18 years!
How wonderful to have had a safe space.
This is all to be remembered and celebrated.
A polite, 'I'm just going to show DD where I played for 18 years,' cannot be argued with. You announce it and then you just do it anyway. Because that was your home for your entire childhood, your history is there; and you are clearly a very respectful person in general; and taking your daughter to peek into your room is not an obscene act.
It's possibly difficult for DF's new wife to move into and take on a house that has a rich history as a family home before she was around. That history can feel like a kind of threat to one's legitimacy. But you can show her that she's safe: the house is HER home AND you spent your childhood there. Both truths can be held simultaneously.

And tracing your eyes over the pattern of the ceiling is a beautiful memory. I don't believe such things put us on a spectrum. Noticing patterns, and really, really looking at the world, and finding comfort there, is gorgeously human.

Its not your room anymore op.
You have your life and family now and it your dad's home to do what he wants with it.

I would respect that a closed door means there is something in there that is private and certainly not suitable for a toddler to be poking in. You say it's a wardrobe, maybe she has expensive vintage dresses or maybe it's a BDSM dungeon.

Your memories are yours. The room is not.

You do know its now a sex dungeon?

People have different ideas about what's polite. You think that children can wander around a person's house with the exception of the hosts' bedroom.
I think (and your DFs new wife also thinks) that children should stay in the communal space unless they're invited to a different room by the host
Neither opinion is correct, just different. But when you're being hosted, it's polite to follow the wishes of the host

It's not your house any more. It's not your bedroom. It's her walk in wardrobe. I wouldn't want to show anyone my pile of clothes that need putting away, ironing, my laundry basket.

YABU, I wouldn’t want a 2 year old exploring upstairs either and the fact that it sounded like you didn’t have a problem with her starting to venture upstairs would make me think you might not be going to watch her or stop her messing or touching things. I think it’s ok for little kids to have free rein but only if you have asked and only if you stay with them to supervise them.

She really won’t miss not seeing her Mums old bedroom.

I think any 'polite' insistence at going into rooms in homes which you do not own can absolutely be argued with.

I don't think anyone is unreasonable here; everyone in this scenario is entitled to their feelings however the OP does not have veto power on that house any longer as she no longer lives there.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to feel the way you do, I’m pretty sure my husband would feel the same way if his old childhood bedroom was now off limits (it isn’t, the kids play up there all the time). We intend to always have a bed for each of ours long after they’ve all grown up and moved out.

Equally, it’s your dad and his wife’s home so if they want a closed door policy and aren’t happy to have the little one running about upstairs that’s up to them.

My df dipped in and out of my life and remarried without me knowing. We reconnected when I was about 11 or 12. We used to go get a pasty and go to his/their flat. Sm refused me a plate or drink.
Cups and plates my dm +df got as wedding gifts. And no I wasn't allowed in my old room either.. For years I blamed his dw.. Until it clicked my own df had stood by and allowed that treatment of his own dc...
Next time sm is out of earshot just tell your df you are showing dd your room. If he says no I wouldn't be going back.

Whilst it is their home, it was your home for your first 18 years of your life. If I was a second wife living in my stepchild’s childhood home, I would be inclined to always think of their former bedroom as theirs forever more, even if I was using it for something else. I would certainly encourage the grandchild to see it, even if under supervision if there were items in there that I didn’t want them to touch. Next time you visit, ask your father if your daughter can have a look upstairs. Take her but make sure she doesn’t touch anything breakable. Be respectful.