Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

I think YABU, it's not your room anymore and I don't understand why you want to show it to a 2 yo who isn't going to understand at all that it was your room. I think you should tr at their house how you would (presumably) want them to treat yours and I doubt you would want them poking around your house.

YABVU.
Move on.
Life does.

Is there still stuff belonging to you or your mum that you'd like to keep in the house? Has your dad updated his will since he got married?

I think it's time to take anything that is yours/your mum's back home with you, before it vanishes. If your dad hasn't updated his will, all his assets including the house will become hers.

.But also the idea that a wife of my father would interfere with the development of my child is also something that I would be kicking against.

OMG thank you!

I so needed a laugh today.

Ah you beat me to it.
😂

OP is actually male - first posts missed that and I havent read all of them. Not that it makes much difference, I guess I might be more upset by a step daughter rummaging in my wardrobe.

OP you've moved out, presumably years ago as you have a young child. It's not your house, it's no longer the room you remember and it shouldnt be, your security is now in your own home. I understand it feels a bit wierd, and it would be nice if there were pictures of what it looked like when it was yours - but you should move on.

@Agapornis any will prior to marriage will be null and void (in England anyway)

It’s not the mother-in-law’s bedroom.

Toddlers shouldn't be wandering around houses without permission from the people who actually live there. In this instance, permission wasn't given. The end.

It may be the end, practically, but it’s not the end of the feelings associated with it, which is what the post is about.

Its not the OP’s bedroom, its not even his house. Its the step mother and father’s house to use as they wish.

If I’m hosting visitors I don’t want to have to worry about cleaning and making every room presentable. The downstairs yes but I would see absolutely no reason for guests to go upstairs and I wouldn’t want them just wandering off poking through every room.

Yes this may have been your home once upon a time but now it is your father and his wife’s home. Respect it.

My children have left home & the bedroom door is locked regardless of who is visiting. Although I have nothing to hide I feel my bedroom is the one space I see as entirely my & my DHs sanctuary & I like it to remain that way. That means no children running in & out climbing on the bed etc. They are free to go anywhere else apart from our office room where we work which is also locked.

OP in this instance I would ask if it would be ok to show your daughter where you slept as a child. Other than that I feel your DFs wife has personal belongings in the room & is entitled to keep the room private.

There is so much cloying sentiment (and one outright nutter!) on this thread!
It’s not OPs room any more, it’s function has changed so it doesn’t even look like a bedroom anymore more so what would be the point in showing the DD anyway? It’s not like she can hop on the memory lane train just by looking at the ceiling.
Also, stop letting your children roam around people’s houses willy nilly, it’s bloody rude

It’s important for children to learn early the rules of other people’s space so they don’t go exploring around, messing with things and potentially hurting themselves. And a two year old is especially likely to ruin something expensive like cosmetics or to hurt themselves (or both).

I’d imagine if you asked if you could take your DD in to see your old bedroom briefly the answer would be probably be yes.

DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

That doesn't mean that they can go where they want to in someone else's house though!

Your dad's wife has put down a boundary & you don't like it.

It's her closet so that's kind of similar. Either way it's 'hers' and not the OPs so it would be odd to assume a toddler could wander around in there. I've never let my kids just 'curiously explore' all around other people's homes. They hang out where they are invited to do so.

Not reasonable of them but I can imagine it is very painful for you.

Maybe the wife doesn’t want OP, a man, in her dressing area

It's a difficult dynamic when a new spouse moves into a family home.

From your perspective, you naturally feel a sense of ownership (emotionally, not literally/legally) towards the house and particular rooms. From the perspective of the new spouse, that can be unnerving an intrusive.

Far better for the couple to start afresh in a new home. My parents sold our childhood home years ago and I have such a different relationship to their current home, much more like a visitor who needs permission to set the table etc. I think it's a healthier dynamic.

Your old bedroom is not yours anymore. Toddlers aren't always safe roaming around. Your daughter needs to start to understand that she cannot just wander everywhere.

Far better for the couple to start afresh in a new home.

Perhaps but that can be expensive.

All I know is that I would feel that I was massively overstepping to tell someone that they can't have a look at their childhood bedroom in a house that I now happen to live in, by virtue of having married this man.

I think its really wierd OP!

I lived with my mum with my son for a few years and I went back to my room and he had my siblings old room. He still loves that room years after moving out and always goes up there.

I also let myself in everytime.

It's just being used to store clothes so what is there to see though?

I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe).

I mean to me that all makes sense.

What is there in any of those rooms that is of interest?