Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

@TravelDad I'm a bit confused what you're after:

It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

or

But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

If you think that your DD should have free rein to roam in your childhood home, then I think that is unreasonable. This is now your DF and DSM's home and it's up to them where your DD goes (and the fact you say that at your PIL's you "try to keep her out" of your PIL's bedroom means you're not keeping an eye on what she's up to when she is upstairs).

However, if you literally want to take your DD into the room for 30 seconds to say "This was daddy's bedroom when he was little. How do you think this compares with your room? Granddad and X use this as a wardrobe now so it's out of bounds to you." then I think that should be fine, and maybe explain it like that to your DF.

Unless of course the "wardrobe" is actually now a dungeon where X teaches granddad what a naughty boy he's been, in which case probably better for all concerned if that door remains closed, literally and figuratively.

Give them notice that you want to show your dd your old room, it could be its piled up with boxes, ours is!

A 2 year old doesn’t give a monkeys about your old room.
A person is entitled to privacy in their own home.
Stop letting your child wander about in a house that isn’t toddler proof. Closing doors is an entirely normal thing to do.
It doesn’t matter what this lady uses the room for. It won’t be set up as your bedroom anymore. It’s a room.
I hope she has a lovely dressing room with clothes, shoes, accessories set out beautifully. It’s her home ffs!
You sound utterly batshit, frankly. Leave your dad and his wife in peace.

@Jane143 it's the wife's house too.

I would be worried about 2yo wandering round a house by themselves. I would be worried about things like medication, cleaning products etc not being out of reach in a house where a 2yo doesn't normally live

I wouldn't expect my parents to keep my bedroom like a shrine after I had moved out and had my own home

YABU in the sense that as you’ve moved out to the point you have children of your own, it’s not really “your” childhood bedroom anymore. There’s also the issue that it’s irrelevant to your 2 year old, as for now she won’t understand what she’d be looking at.

I understand your side, I just don’t think your father and his wife are being unreasonable. Their lives and the house’s purpose have changed and adapted to their new reality.

I hear you, but it’s not your home now and the stuff in there is your step mums so whilst it may be ok to pop in for a bit of nostalgia, it’s no longer your bedroom

This

Yeah, she shouldn't have turned your old bedroom into a wardrobe. How many clothes does she need?

Why not? It’s her home now, it should be useful and functional for her and her husband. There’s no need to retain someone’s childhood bedroom for them and their DC to occasionally visit.

I wouldn’t want a 2 year old roaming upstaging my home. Nor do I think you have rights to do the same, even if it was your childhood home. Now he’s remarried, things have changed in their home and you have to respect this.

And I say that as someone whose parents did keep my bedroom as a bloody shrine, for over 30 years! My siblings’bedrooms were repurposed as a study, a gym and a refurbished extracguest room. Mine was like I’d just popped out in 1992 😂

Indeed. Particularly given the op says they ‘try’ and keep her out of the hosts’ bedrooms, ‘as a courtesy’, as if they’re doing them a favour! He should be adequately supervising his child and ensuring she does not intrude into private areas of the house.

Yup - two sides to this and you will have to talk it through with her if there is to be a resolution. She may appreciate your feelings more (I do), but she is now using it as a wardrobe and I also understand that she is not comfortable to have her husband's family in her stuff. I can imagine it is difficult for you and her to negotiate.

I can see both sides, but your toddler doesn’t need to be going in any of these rooms. Tracing the ceiling pattern with your eyes is not a sign of neurodiversity either!

I understand how you feel, the nostalgia must be quite strong for you since your dad hasn't moved on to another house since you left your childhood home. But I do feel you are BABU, sorry. Your DD won't understand the feeling you have for your old bedroom, it just won't compute. There's also the chance that your DF and his wife may have radically changed and redecorated it since you last saw it, it's possible the embossed paper on the ceiling is no longer there.

I do think it's better for you to relish the memories you have of your old room and keep it as that - a lovely memory that gives you warm fuzzies.

It's your SM and dad's home and they should be able to keep areas of it private if they want to. You'd be unreasonable to push against that.

It was your bedroom in childhood, it is now a dressing room. It isn’t your house, it’s the house your father shares with his wife. It may emotionally feel to you that it is more yours than hers, but it isn’t.

They don’t want a toddler to have free rein of their house. That’s not unreasonable.

My kids have never wandered around either grandparents house. It's just not necessary. Your 2 year old won't even understand this is mums old bedroom. It's your dads and his wife's home, respect their marriage and their boundaries.

I think it is very much up to the people who still live in/own the house.
I was allowed to scurry about everywhere in my grandparents house and nothing was off limits to me.
My aunt hated that I was allowed to do that, even though nothing in the house was hers! She called it "snooping" - which I suppose it absolutely was, but my nan and grandpa seemed to enjoy me coming back down with various discovered treasures like costume jewellery and old magazines etc.
My aunt doesn't allow her grandchildren to snoop about in her house now, whilst my mum lets my DD go and do whatever, whenever.
Neither are wrong, it is just different tolerances for kids being kids in their space.

I haven’t read the full thread.

However, any house that my dad lives in is my home. Always. Until the day I die (should I be so unfortunate as to die before him). As it happens, it is likely I will be providing him with a home in the next few years before I get my head bitten off.

So, yes, I would certainly be marching my daughter upstairs any time she wanted so that I could say “You have a room in the house where I am Mummy. I have made a home for you. This is the house where my Daddy, your granddaddy, brought me up”. And I would be repeating it over the years as often as my daughter wanted.

If necessary, I would be saying to my father “your granddaughter wants to see my room. You need to come”. And that would be as often as my daughter wanted.

Perhaps it’s that I’m Western Australian. We don’t have two story houses. Everything is always just … there …. The idea of there being a separation between upstairs and downstairs is foreign to me. But also the idea that a wife of my father would interfere with the development of my child is also something that I would be kicking against.

Not sure why seeing your old room would be particularly important? I get it might have some significance to you, but to your daughter an old bedroom isn't going to have any great meaning? And if your DD really does want to see your old bedroom, I think I'd side with DF and partner. It seems a rather random and strange thing to request.

This is a bit dramatic. it's not OPs home and hasn't been for ages. If new wife wanted to turn it into a pottery studio, she can. She might have thrown the dirty laundry in there. Who knows. Anyway OP's child is too young to understand. Op needs to move on.

If you don’t respect it’s now her house there’s a risk she’ll encourage your father to sell it and buy some where new

It's her home, she has her personal things in that room, and doesn't want anyone in there. There's nothing wrong with that. Your dad could quite easily sell the house and you wouldn't be able to go in there anyway.

Some of these comments are bizarre.

OP's dad has welcomed this woman into his home and as such it is now her home too - of course she is going to make some changes and not want her partner's adult children freely going in and out of any room they like.

I think it's quite unreasonable to expect that of her to be honest.

Speak directly to your Dad.
Ask him outright whether you can take DD up to look at your old room.

I'd ask over the phone to give him time to speak with his wife and decide whether or not the room is now out of bounds.

if im in same house when i have grandkids, then they can go wherever they want.

I cant imagine a child of 2 being able to comprehend that you used to be a child and wants to see the bedroom you slept in.
Sorry OP but its no longer your home and probably hasnt been for years.x