Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

Wow pot kettle black, what poor self awareness you have. Because you seem to have exactly the same amount of trouble comprehending that someone else’s lived experience might give them a different viewpoint on the OP’s situation to your own. I’ve given my opinion, you’ve given yours. They are allowed to be different, or do you think everyone has to agree with you?

Oh and I’m not a grandmother. My children are primary age. I’m not bragging about how lovely my parents and in-laws are because it’s not through any endeavour of my own, we don’t get to choose our family. But I do feel fortunate.

No, you're the one who is repeatedly claiming that if someone's family doesn't act the same as yours, there's something wrong with them. Cold. Formal. Distant. These are words you've used over and over again. There's been a passive aggressive little dig about it in practically every post you've made.

ONE TIME she suggested the toddler stay downstairs. That's it. Nobody knows why because OP didn't bother to ask.

In other words, I’m not agreeing with you so I must be wrong. Got it.

You are jumbling together direct replies that I’ve made to other posters regarding their family relations, and my thoughts on the OP’s scenario.

Of course I wouldn’t not expect a particularly close relationship with a stepmother who came into his life only 1 year ago and who he’s probably only met a handful of times. I think it’s a difficult situation to find yourself in, and all of my friends who have experience of this have had their relationship with their parent detrimentally affected by it. I don’t know what the answer is, but I sympathise with the OPs feelings.

Glad I’m not the only one who thought the latter! 😂

Different things suit different people. That’s all there is to understand.

Your hyperbolic leaping is quite impressive.

Everyone knows “oh there’s nothing of interest up there” is a polite way of saying you’re not welcome up there

yes, polite. It’s okay not to want them up there and it’s not like she kicked off.

Neither did the OP, all good.

No, he just started this thread about how they have the audacity to close doors and are depriving his child of the chance to build a picture of the world in her mind

He didn’t say any of this to her though, I believe it’s called working through feelings 😊

Ok, you feel much more strongly about this thread than me. I’ll slowly back away…

Meh - do what you like…

That doesn't mean you have to allow free reign in your home though. Even when I was a child living in my childhood home there were limits.

I don't have grandchildren but I imagine if I did, I could be a nice granny while keeping them out of my bedroom, the laundry room, the office and the garage. A good part of that being about their safety in those rooms. I also wouldn't allow them to wander into my adult children's rooms, as they are allowed their privacy. And I'm someone who would be very relaxed about the grandchildren and what they did.

Thanks! 🙂
Got anything useful to add or is that your limit?

But you know it's been turned into a wardrobe and won't be like you remember "your room" anymore. I can understand that it feels like it's connected to the memory of your Mum but your childhood bedroom is something we all have to let go of at some point. My Mum redecorated mine and it became a guest bedroom as soon as I'd finished University. Your Dad might also have moved house with his new wife and left the bedroom behind. It's really not something which will impact on your 2 yo- she might have found it vaguely interesting to see it and start to absorb the idea that adults were once children, but it wouldn't have been more than that.

But also, wtf do you people want? A pp can’t fathom a scenario in which a family that lives an hour away from the grandparents might want to spend the night, so I suggest a few. But then you have a go at me for daring to reply? Honestly don’t know why I’m wasting my time here.

When I first met my late husband and stayed at my in-laws for the first time, there were little ceramic plaques on the doors of what had been his bedroom and his sister's bedroom. 'John's room' and 'Jane's room'.
When my widowed MIL had to go into a care home, forty years after both her kids had left home, the plaques were still on the doors.

I was out of the country when the rest of the family cleared the house to sell it, a year or two later, but I imagine that removing those plaques would have been emotional for my SIL.