Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

The thing is rooms don't hold memories people do. The op can hold her memories perfectly fine without going into her and dad and his wifes private space. Nobody is stopping her from remembering anything. My parents moved house so my kids have never seen my childhood bedroom, I can tell them about my childhood perfectly well without showing them the ceiling I used to stare at. I don't think my kids even know which bedroom at mils house dh used to have, they've never asked. They are just spare rooms now, really not that interesting to anyone.

Your 2 year will neither know nor care that was your bedroom- presumably if you’re old enough to have a 2 year old it was many years ago. Time to grow up and respect your DF and DSM privacy.

It is the childhood home, it's not just a home. A little understanding perhaps?

I think it's this part that people noticed -
It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

Toddlers shouldn't be wandering around houses without permission from the people who actually live there. In this instance, permission wasn't given. The end.

Everyone is different though aren't they? They react different. There's no wrong or right to how we feel about a childhood home. My partner just sold his childhood home and had a really hard time of it, saying goodbye to the walls that kept his relatives safe for over 90 years.

I don’t really get this as my parents moved from my childhood home when I was 28 so they could live closer to me and their grandchildren. After I left home the room had the same curtains but totally different appearance. It wasn’t “mine” anymore. That doesn’t mean the memories aren’t still mine. So from the childhood room angle, I find that odd. However, I think it’s the freedom you have in a parent’s home is what makes you feel less of a guest and maybe being shut out is more of a reminder your mum isn’t there. There will be a difference and your dad’s wife isn’t wrong in wanting privacy in her own home, but that wouldn’t have been the case if your mum was there. I think that’s why it stings a bit. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s something you can change.

I dislike it when visiting children think they can go exploring upstairs uninvited.
It’s her home now and I would have thought your old bedroom would have been repurposed by now as you are a grown woman with a child of your own.

Maybe she values her privacy and doesn’t want you and your child wandering round what is now her home amongst her belongings.
Whenever my mum visits and mops upstairs to the loo I always tell her to not go in my bedroom and disturb my elderly cat who often sleeps there. Next thing I know she’s in my bedroom asking ooh what’s this, I haven’t seen this before etc.
Pisses me right off.

I am all for privacy and any level of CFery is routed out immediately but this seems a bit extreme. My children wander round my parents house and gardens as they want and it's a lot of space, even has spooky secret passages connecting different areas of the house. They do stay there though, so it wouldn't occur for there to be any areas that are off limits really. Have you stayed there since you left?

I assumed she would be with the 2 year old to show him

My mother would never allow my kids to just go in any room in her house whenever they choose. My grandmother however would have happily done so. Its different for different people. I don’t allow my grandchildren to roam wherever they like unsupervised but this is mainly because they are young and I don’t want them to harm themselves or break something, im not sure how i will be when they are older.

Agree with this, it seems very insensitive of his new wife not to appreciate this is your childhood home.

Things have changed in your dad's life and home since his remarriage. It's not your bedroom anymore. If your dad's wife is using it as a giant closet, it's probably been changed around, it's not childproof and she doesn't want your child in there. She's allowed to have private areas and your child shouldn't be wandering without you and without permission.

Ask your dad if you can take your DD into that room. Explain you're not going to give her free rein to rampage through the house.

I'd hate it. I consider my childhood home my house, even as a 45 year old who moved out a looooong time ago. It's probably wrong but i'd feel the same as you.

Maybe the wife feels that this is her own private space, the bit that she can make her mark in. Would it really mean much to your 2yo?

We have all moved very far away from my old family home. When DS was very small we happened to be driving past my old village on the way to somewhere else. So we took a detour and I showed him my old family home and the various places I used to play. He was not interested one bit 😂

My 2 year old went up my stairs decimated all my lipsticks and drew on the wall. So I will say you are being unreasonable.

Should have said grandchild.

I would presume that the 2 year old would be supervised?

They’re married. It it just as much her house as his. They could have chosen to sell that house and start again elsewhere, it’s legally no different. It’s pretty awful to suggest this woman is nobody in her own home. If the thread was posted by the wife saying her DH considered their marital home “his house really” and that she had no control over who from his family went wandering around her bedrooms the replies would be uproar.

Its the stepmother’s home, not the OP’s museum of childhood.

They probably have a gimp installed there. This happen my old home. It was embarrassing and frankly I wish I’d never found out

I would have assumed that as well, but obviously wasn’t.

YANBU

I'd feel pretty put out in your position. Sure, it's her home now, but it was your childhood home for 18 years! It's perfectly normal for you to be able to roam about the full house, other than their bedroom. I still go home and stay in my childhood bedroom when at my parents, I'd be furious if a parent remarried and I was no longer allowed upstairs!!

Do you have any siblings? I take it as your DF has remarried, you'll no longer be inheriting your childhood home, that's got to hurt too.

No idea why so many posters keep referring to you as a woman when you're clearly a Dad!

@ReadingSoManyThreads doesn't mean OP won't inherit.