Childhood bedroom off limits?

[TravelDad]

First time poster so pls be kind!

DF remarried last year after DM passed a few years ago. She is pleasant and there are no issues between us - I'm genuinely happy that DF has found love in his latter years. We have visited them (my childhood home, a 1h journey) a few times in recent months after his wife moved in. DD is now 2, very curious and likes exploring as you would expect.

Last visit DD started to venture upstairs and it became apparent that a 'closed door policy' had been imposed. As a child we didn't close doors and usually had the windows open a notch to keep the house well ventilated - something I have practiced in houses I have lived in since. I understand that their bedroom is private but it was apparent that DF's wife didn't want us going in the guest room, office or my childhood bedroom (which I gather is being used as an extra wardrobe). The "There's nothing worth seeing upstairs" was clearly a polite "No".

On my childhood bedroom, it's bugging me quite a bit. I spent the first 18 years of my life sleeping and playing in there, and have used it on visits since, including fairly recently. As a child I used to lay in bed looking at the (now very old fashioned) anaglypta ceiling and trace my eyes across the pattern (yes I suspect I'm slightly on the spectrum). It was my safe space. So it's hit me quite hard that it seems I'm no longer allowed in there (and cannot show DD my old room). It also feels a bit odd because when we visit the in-laws and other family, DD has free reign and goes everywhere (we try to keep her out of the hosts' bedrooms as a courtesy).

So what do you think:

YABU - it's DF and his wife's house and she is entitled to keep whichever rooms she wants private

YANBU - they are being inconsiderate by making the bedroom of my formative years off limits

FWIW I can see both sides. But not being allowed to go in with DD for 30 seconds and say "this was daddy's bedroom when he was little" feels a bit unreasonable.

Ask if you can show your child the room in advance in case they are dumping stuff in there untidily and don’t want to show you.

I’m a bit gobsmacked at this. Our Gdcs (currently 10, 9, 6) are allowed to go anywhere they like upstairs, and always have been. However they are well behaved so we know they won’t trash anything.
If for any reason we should need privacy, there are locks or bolts on bedroom and bathroom doors.

Well, people differ. I doubt if DS (13) has ever been upstairs in PIL’s house, despite DH having lived there for the first eighteen years of his life. My parents’ house is a bungalow, so different.

The old MN adage ‘their house, their rules’ comes into play OP.

I wouldn’t want a 2 year old anywhere near my office OP (my 6 year old isn’t allowed in!!) - if you want to show her your old bedroom maybe just ask if you can show her that?

Personally I have no problem with people going into any room in my house, and it was always the same in my parents house. But once I moved out into my own home I never considered any room in my parents house as 'my room.' It was ther house to use a they wished.

From your Dad's wife's POV, she has moved into a house that was his and his late wife's and his children's. It must be hard for her to feel as if the house is completely 'hers', the idea that you and your child can wander all around the house and go into areas that she considers private in her home will be hard for her. It isn't your home any more, things have moved on and the dynamic is different (different from those visiting both their parents). Maybe she feels awkward because the room has been changed, maybe she thinks you'll be annoyed she is using it as a wardrobe Maybe she just doesn't want other people going into her wardrobe.

Ultimately you have to suck it up. You could got to your father and insist you be allowed to take your DD into your old room, but that would put him in a difficult position and might cause trouble between them. And why would you want to do that and possibly sour relations between you and your father's wife for the sake of looking in a room ?

She may be unreasonable, but it is her home now and you need to respect that.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, I'd ask "I'd like to show DC my room, ok if I pop up?" My parents didn't have off limits rooms, my kids used to love exploring granny and grandad's house, but I guess that's not for everyone.

hmm, I've made it very clear to my grown up children that my house (where they grew up) remains their house too for as long as I live.
Although there's no chance that I'm ever going to be moving a new partner in here the DC's old bedrooms are still their bedrooms and that would be a non-negotiable condition for anyone moving in.
I just don't get 'they've moved out this is not their home any more'.

Perhaps it's a real tip upstairs. I have been known to put all the clutter in a bedroom if I have visitor's coming!

A toddler does not need to visit your old room. Wait til she older and understands more

YABU

A two year old shouldn’t be encouraged to wander round other people’s houses as a basic principle- they probably won’t be child proof, she could accidentally damage or lose something and finally it’s an invasion of their privacy.

It hasn’t been your home for a long time, OP, you need to respect your DF’s wife in her own home.

My own DC were not allowed to wander round their grandparents upstairs, public rooms only.

My brain also went straight to thinking that it’s been turned into a sex room!

I’d ask your Dad. It’s his house really

If it means that much to you then tell your DF you'd like to show it to DD.

Childhood homes are like old friends, most people want to see and feel how the home changes over the years. It would feel like a very alien concept to be sudden shut out of some spaces.

🤣

Sex dungeon? 😄

Tbh op being told it was your old room will mean less than nothing to a 2 year old. If your dad had moved house, as many people do to downsize when they're older, you wouldn't be able to just go in whenever you want.

You haven't been told you can never go in there again - she just didn't want you to go in at that very moment, which I think is understandable -its her house now. I'm sure if you said "would I be able to show dd my old room next time we visit" and give them enough notice to tidy up or whatever that would be absolutely fine.

I also think you should be doing more than "trying" to keep her out of people's bedrooms at any house you're in, tbh, unless they've specifically given permission for her to wander everywhere there's absolutely no need for her to go poking into every room. If she's 2 she shouldn't be wandering around climbing stairs in other houses without supervision so don't understand why it's not a "we don't let her go into host's bedrooms" rather than this half hearted "try".

I think that her and your father are totally within their rights to do whatever they want in their house.

I think that you are not unreasonable to feel a bit weird about it.

But as it’s their house, they get the final say.

I wouldn't presume to go upstairs in somebody else's house even if I used to live there but I suppose it depends on family dynamics. I can understand why your dad's wife wouldn't like it. If it's important to you maybe have a chat with her or your dad? It might be that she has private things in there and just wasn't prepared when you went round. but if its a straight 'no' then I would respect that

YANBU about going into your old bedroom, i think, but it’s completely reasonable for her to want a closed door policy on her own bedroom at least, and some other private spaces.

I do think that you shouldn’t be treated as a visitor in your childhood home and should be allowed to go upstairs, but also you need to accept that it hasn’t been your home for a long time. Your childhood bedroom can’t remain as a shrine forever and now you have your own family… it’s pretty normal for parents to repurpose the children’s bedrooms after they move out!

Ah OP, I really feel for you but I have to give you a gentle YABU here.

It must sting to not be able to have free reign of what was your family home with your mum and dad. I'm sure it feels like this lady is taking over and you want to keep your (any your mum's) 'stamp' on it, to see your daughter roaming around the places you used to sleep and play.

Unfortunately though, dynamics do change when the residents of the home are not both your parents, especially as this lady is a fairly new addition and not even a long-term step-parent for you. It must have been hard for her to move into the home your dad shared with your mum, and that you consider to be your family home - it's not something I would have been able to do in her shoes tbh.

As hard as it is, I think you do need to accept that this lady clearly won't be as comfortable with you wandering wherever you like in her home as your mum would have likely been. And even if you're not able to do that, you and your DD are still being welcomed into their home, hopefully that can be enough.

Hugs to you, sorry for the loss of your mum💐

My parents don't live in my childhood home. It isn't your room or home any more so you need to move on. Personally if I remarried I would not want to remain in ny partners previous marital and family home. It must be so strange for her to have you returning and taking possession of what is now her home again. She is not unreasonable at all and it seems she was being polite.

Kindly, as an adult with a child of your own you absolutely need to move on.

I voted yanbu as I'd personally be a bit miffed is some bloke moved in with my mum and suddenly declared my old room off limits.