AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

She could, but doesn’t seem to want to.

OP. Surely you just tell your son to suck up the ‘embarrassing’ aspect. Rather than rope in your friend’s parents!

I can drive him but I'm working . Having the box would have meant less trips a day but that's what we will do.

why don’t you read the advice from other mothers of autistic children about how to develop and grow resilience and independence? You give in to his first suggestions to avoid confrontation and conflict ? It’s very unhealthy

“Autistics”???

Why would you drive him op? It’s good from. MH point of view to be outside in daylight exercising. Even if it takes him all day and he walks several miles he’s fine to crack on he’s a physically fit 19 yr old lad.

I have 2 now adult children who are asd and (a) every person with autism is different and has different needs for support (b) many people with autism require additional support to do what other people can - it is best to look at it as "scaffolding" rather than "giving in".

I drove my daughter to and from work for years because work was extremely challenging for her - she couldn't do two buses at both ends of the day on top. That's scaffolding.

OP, has your son tried eg Shaw Trust for support in looking for work? They have schemes for yp with autism.

He's autistic. It's not necessarily that simple.

I think this is likely the issue...

Why so aggressive?

This is why I never ask for favours from anyone, I don’t want to feel hurt if they say no. Ironically I’ve done favours for other people in the past but I don’t like asking personally.

I think you have to ask him what he thinks the solution is. To my mind he's got a couple - come home in between the deliveries (and if he can spread it out over a couple of days that would be helpful) or use a trolley. That's it.

You shouldn't be driving him. He's a grown up.

If he's high functioning, he can think of what might work for him.

If you left a box of leaflets on a drive in my area, someone would dump rubbish in it and someone else would set fire to it. We wouldn’t risk it!

I think I'd be upset. It's not something I can't imagine doing for a friend

This. It’s not their issue, and very few people want someone who can be violent around them. .

Yes I would be pretty sad OP . Why are people so unhelpful these days?I hope you find a solution so your son can do the leaflet drop.X

op, as the mother of a 35 year old young man who is severely Autistic amongst many other things - with the greatest kindness I have to say that I understand why the family don’t want the box being kept on the drive. It’s not just about the box, it’s the circumstances in their entirety and all it could take is for even what seems to you like the smallest of things to happen for the couple to have a big problem to navigate.

I wish your son all the very best in his new job and from one mum to another I just want to say I understand you. 💐

Yeah if he's claiming the trolley is embarrassing then he doesn't deserve the job! Would he rather have a broken back?

OP technically you are not asking your friend a favour, you are asking her parents....

They might be concerned about the fact that your son has displaying violent behaviour and may be reluctant to have to keep an eye on the leaflets.

You are entitled to be disappointed but I think it would be unfair to resent your friend over this.

You said he is violent I wonder if your friend is protecting her parents. Anyway you asked she perfectly allowed to say no do yabu here.

Friend asks if her 19 year old Autistic son with violent tendencies can leave some of his stuff on my parents driveway once in a while. So he can come and go as he pleases.

My response would be pretty similar to your friends. Your son is your problem, not your friends and absolutely not your friends parents. What happens if he has an issue one day and has a violent outburst with them.

Sorry, this is just one of those situations where you need to solve it without involving others.

Wheres the aggression, the op asked if she was being a cf and I answered explaining why and offered a viable solution.
Why do you feel the need to be aggressive?

Depends what Op means by constant support. Him coming back home every 2 hours for more leaflets means job takes longer but I can’t see why it would be problematic. He’s done leaflet work before.

People on here are being so nasty, no surprise there.

I would be a bit upset about this too, given they know how much you are struggling with him already and you have been their friend for a long time. I would have thought in the name of friendship (which seems dead these days) they would have said yes, even if just for now to see if it works out.

That being said, you asked a yes or no question, and they have every right to say no (which I have an inkling will be to do with their own concerns around his violent tendencies and being within close proximity to their parents, which is fair enough really). You have every right to be hurt by it but cannot hang onto that for the reason stated above. You asked, they said no, so you look for a new solution.

Somebody above mentioned getting him a trolley to take his magazines which I think is a brilliant idea. Failing that, he could perhaps get a bike with a luggage-carrier on the back and strap them to it. If youre able to, you could drive him with the magazines in the car. You could even potentially ask if a shop along the way (if there are any) could maybe keep them inside for him to go and collect? Lots of possible solutions here OP, just keep trying.

I empathise with the difficulties of having a son with ASD/any additional needs really. My son is only young but has ASD and is really quite difficult to manage. My brother has a plethora of issues and can be quite violent, moody, etc. I know it gets you down. You are trying your best and thats all you can do.

I hope you find a solution and wish him all the best with his job.