AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Sounds like they don't want the responsibility of involvement and personally I'd completely accept that decision. It's not as simple as leaving it on a driveway. It may get damaged/ stolen/ vandalised or attract unwanted attention and often people justifiably don't want that risk of interference

In a curtain twitching type area like where I live there would be a post on facebook about a young man loitering on an elderly couple’s drive, is he dealing drugs etc.
I don’t think it’s nasty at all to have said no. There’s so many things that could easily go awry.
It’s not stopping him doing his job by saying no.

I think any 18 year old would find pulling a trolley around embarrassing, its just the way they see things at that age. Friends of mine have kids who are 14-16 and they all refuse to wear coats, even in winter, because it's apparently really embarrassing to wear a coat now.

That being said, everybody has these learning curves where they need to learn to grow up and mature a little bit, and get over it if they want to earn the money they desire. I think this OPs son having ASD will make this perceived embarrassment worse, if hes anything like my brother. I think its very admirable that this young man has taken it upon himself to get a job in light of his additional needs, and I hope hes able to overcome this so he continue to be integrated into society, as it makes such a positive difference to them.

it isn’t your friends favour to give.

Exactly. So why are you angry with your friend?

Because most people don’t want to be asked a favour, they deal with their own lives why would they want to be roped into someone else’s problems. If op’s son has a job sort that job out within the family it’s not other people’s responsibility to ensure her child is able to do the job in the way he wants.
The type of people who think people should have no problem doing favours are the ones who need favours.

You can buy hard plastic boxes on wheels. They have a long pull along handle & they are nothing like shopping trolleys. They are popular at trade shows when people are transporting piles of leaflets etc. There is nothing embarrassing about them. Equipment like this would be seen by others as part of the job & something to be proud of using.

Same.

And older people often get much more anxious about people on the drive/property etc.

My d dad got really quite odd about checking the path and driveway and perturbed by visitors before he died.

You say your ds is unpredictable, violent etc. I think it is more than fair enough she wants to shield her parents from any of this.

your comment is unnecessarily harsh

I'm in the minority but I would be slightly hurt. An autistic person having a meltdown and being violent at home is not the same as a violent person that is at risk to strangers and having a box on their drive is really quite minor.

I genuinely would be fine with doing this for even a friend of a friend or a neighbour I don't really know. In fact, I bet if you asked on a Facebook community group and explained the situation, someone would be willing to do this for him along the route. I certainly would. Obviously if I said yes and then an issue arose I'd then say sorry it's not working.

Are you the parent of an autistic child, @itsthetea? I’m guessing not.

Why? I answered her question gave an explanation of the answer and offered a solution, completely ignoring the escalating violence from her son and the potential threat he could pose to the elderly home owners which would have been harsh unlike many other posters that you haven't chosen to call out
Why is that?

People are making things up now and being quite nasty. Thank you for everyone’s suggestion but that’s not what this post was about.I will drive him to the start of route and then meet him to refresh a couple of times a day. I am not angry with my friend I was just hurt. After reading through all the comments I take on board that she just doesn’t want the hassle for her or her parents and that’s her right. She does say all the time I’m so sorry you are going through this and I wish I could help so that’s why I felt comfortable asking.

Get one of those pull a long trolleys. They are amazing. I used one for when we go on family picnics. Wouldn't be without it, surprising what you can get in it.
As other users have said, unfortunately the lady is probably worried about her parents as you have mentioned your son through no fault of his own is getting more violent. She probably didn't mean to upset you. I really hope you get this sorted.

I wonder how many people who won't help, who think autistic people should just get on with it etc have seen the film "I Swear" and been totally untouched by it.

I wouldn’t want a box left on my drive either, especially as it’s the parents drive not hers I don’t think it’s appropriate.

Sorry people have been mean. I dont think you were wrong to ask. I suspect her parents have qualms or she hasn't asked because she knows this will cause then stress or worry for one of the meany reasons people have mentioned. Don't see it as a reflection on your friend or friendship. Many of us would say yes to this and see it as a small favour but maybe your friends parents are among those who wouldn't and that isn't her fault.

Hi @Redman73
i haven’t read all of the replies, but I can imagine what people have said.

i too would be upset about this and I understand why you are upset.

you are asking to leave a plastic box on their drive or garden, a minor inconvenience. They probably wouldn’t even notice and they wouldn’t have to interact with your son, although that interaction might be good for his mental health.

I’m not sure I could move past this if it were my friend. I’m sorry you are going through these troubles with your child 💐

They may have known him since he was a child, but he’s now an adult man that has violent outbursts. Violent outbursts that have escalated in recent months. They are also elderly.

He may have so far only had meltdowns with you at home, but neither you nor they know that he won’t have them outside of the home if things don’t go according to plan and the leaflets are stolen or damaged. It’s a very real risk you were asking them to take, not a simple favor.

Even outside of the most glaring issue, it isn’t unreasonable to not want a plastic tote sat on your driveway for however long either.

Life is hard for a young adult with ASD but as parents we still have to guide them towards being their most functional and independent selves

Absolutely this. 👏👏👏

She doesn’t want to open her parents up to a potentially difficult situation. Get him a trolley.

My dad would find this stressful. He'd spend his whole day worrying about the box. Is it still there, has anyone stolen it, what if someone looks in it, what if it rains, or it's windy. What if someone thinks the leaflets are for peiple to help themselves. He'd spend his whole day
standing at the window watching it.

He's not old either, he's fairly young and well, but he gets anxious about random things. Bless him.

So I'd say no for that reason.

Yeah you're not wrong.

I still feel finding using equipment essential to your job is not the kind of thing adults can get away with finding embarrassing. Not for long anyway! You use the tools available to you to make your job safe and as easy as possible. Not to do so is more embarrassing surely.

You're not there to look like an internationally successful rock star?!

When I was 17 I was paid to go and ask strangers surveys about toilet paper in the high street. At 18 I also worked as a nude artists' model. So to me if you're being paid for it you just do it. It's just a job. 🤣

Its unreasonable of you to ask. You aren't asking her to do you a favour you're asking her parents.

I think it’s different as it’s the parents’ drive and not the actual friend’s.

Your friend can’t help though because it’s not her house. I think it’s wrong to feel hurt because she can’t agree to something that’s not in her power to agree to.
I wouldn’t let it spoil your friendship.