AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

Yes, I understand that. My mum sadly would be very stressed for many of the reasons already mentioned.

but objectively it's still not a HUGE favour. Despite it being one some elderly parents couldn't cope with.

It seems like a reasonable request. I can only assume is that the violence during meltdowns is the issue. If he came back to restock and found that someone had taken the box how would he react?

As you said. ^

Also to add, "Friend's adult son, who also has significant mental health problems and is displaying increasing levels of violence."

I also wouldn't want to bring that into the orbit of my (presumably) elderly parents.

Get him a trolley OP, or meet him in the car halfway round and hand over the remaining leaflets. Presumably he has a couple of days and flexible hours to get them delivered?

Have you never seen a photocopy paper box? Just think about how many leaflets would fit in a plastic equivalent, but how heavy it would be to carry.

I think YABU because you’re not asking the friend, you’re asking of her parents which is not the same.

I personally wouldn’t mind doing it but I can see why some people would be put off by it.
Especially as it’s a monthly thing and not a one off.

I would get a back pack and potentially a bike and just take half at a time.
I’d put them in my back pack and go to the furthest houses away first, then just take out a handful at a time.

If they’re really heavy and you live in a safe area then you could get a basket/carrier for the bike.
Get a bike lock and have him lock in and do a street at a time.

YABU @Redman73

Your friend very likely said no because she didn't want her parents putting in an awkward position. I'm willing to bet that they would not have wanted to say yes.

You talk about her not being a good friend and say how 'hurt' you are, but a good friend would not have asked her this. She has a right to be hurt, and annoyed.

I would have said no too.

Ask her why she said no so you understand whether she’s being reasonable or not.

OP’s friend doesn’t owe her an explanation though. She asked for an favour and it’s a no. Whatever friend says is likely to cause offence or lead to op trying to argue around it. Better to just drop it entirely with friend and let him sort it out himself with help from Op if needed due to his autism.

She shouldn’t have to justify her reasons.

If someone started questioning me about why I said no, they wouldn’t be my friend for much longer.

What a nasty reply , and it's vicious btw .

@Redman73

You really are failing him here. Some people with autism will never be able to work, they will have no form of independence and will never be able to form coping strategies for the things they struggle with.

Your son is not that. He is clearly capable of work and of some level of taking care of himself. By stepping in and solving his problem for him, you are stifling that. He doesn’t need you to drive about to bring him more catalogues. Because he absolutely can carry what he needs in a trolley. He doesn’t want to because it won’t look cool… not because of his disability but because he is being a grumpy 19 year old who wants to look cool. Well, no, that’s not how it works. This is a job he is fully capable of doing, and this is a problem he is fully capable of solving himself. But instead of parenting him, you’re jumping in to do it for him. That will hurt him further down the line.

Autism is not a reason to solve all his problems, especially when this issue is simply down to him being a teenaged boy wanting to look cool. He has to get over that.

I thought you calling her a Cumt Face ( that’s what the CF abbreviation means does it not??) was completely unwarranted. The OP asked for advice . Their was nothing CF in her original post . I thought you were unjustly harsh. Your reaction to my one line comment says a lot.

No it means cheeky fucker its mumsnet abbreviation
Its also I the 1st line of the op

In MN world CF means cheeky fucker. You can also say cunt without censoring.

God no, do not do this! The friend does not owe the OP an explanation

I wouldn't like this. My home is my peaceful safe place and I like it to be undisturbed as possible. I wouldn't want a stranger using my drive for storage on a regular basis. I would feel involved in something that I didn't want to be involved in.

You have absolutely no idea about his needs. It's not just about physical ability. Autistic people can suffer from overwhelm. Misinterpretation of situations, causing confusion and/or distress. Vulnerability out on the streets. Agitation when they get confused. They can be taken advantage of.

Leaving an autistic person without support if they need it is not helping. It is setting them up to fail.

I didn’t indicate she needs to justify her reasons. A friend should be happy to explain why they’re not agreeing to a favour, I would. It’s about sharing information with friends so they understand each other.

If a friend asked me for a favour and I declined to help, I’d explain why. She’s being a bit rude by saying no but giving no explanation.

Thank you appreciate the heads up , I wasn’t censoring, it was a type o that I couldnt figure out how to fix !

No she isnt no means no it is not rude it is no

I wouldn’t put this on my parents. You’re being cheeky. Your son isn’t their problem.

I think in your mind, it's a small favour and you'd already decided it would be fine.
Unfortunately for your DS, for whatever reason, either she or her DParents have decided it doesn't suit them.
Nobody is wrong and to enable your DS to complete his round, another way will have to be found.

I would be hurt too @Redman73
If I can help a friend of course I will.
Do you think the parents were actually asked ?

Have you mentioned his violent behaviour towards your friend? Would she ever have witnessed meltdowns? You say you are expressing your struggles with his autism with her - that might be of concern to her, no? You haven’t fully clarified why the last job ended.

That means she can have legitimate concerns even if you don’t agree. As an extreme example, I have a friend whose autistic son threatened to stab a much younger child when he was in a rage but my friend “knows” he would never carry that out. But I can’t “know” that was only an idle threat where my own also autistic child’s safety is concerned so I’ve had to put distance in with the child.

Your friend’s parents are her responsibility, your child is yours. She was perfectly reasonable saying no in this context.