AIBU to feel hurt my friend refused a small favour?

[Redman73]

Not sure If I am being over sensitive or a CF

A bit of back ground as I feel is relevant. I have a 19 year old son living at home who is Autistic. High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends. One of my closest friends, I meet up with every week for a dog walk been friends for over 15 years.

One of the triggers for my sons decline in mental health is the fact he lost his leaflet delivery job. We have just secured him a new one which we are hoping will improve his state of mind. The new delivery route is a 15/20 mins walk away which would be fine but they are magazines so pretty heavy. He can only carry 120 at a time and the route has 800 houses. I text my friend who's parents live on the route to ask if my son could leave a plastic box on their drive, that way he could restock (rather than having to come all the way home or alternatively I would have to drive and meet him with more leaflets.) This delivery is only once a month so would only be there for a few days a month.

My friend replied that no it wouldn't be possible as there is no where to put it (Its a large driveway and garden) I was totally gobsmacked. I have a good relationship with her parents and in hindsight should have just knocked and asked them directly. I don't believe she asked them. I know that if it was the other way round I would have said yes immediately. I guess I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to help a friend. I'm not sure I can meet her this week and act like I am not upset.

I'm sorry OP, I understand why you asked. But for their point of view they are older people and you admit your son has been violent and it's got worse recently. I 100% understand you want to get help and support for your son, but from their point of view it's a risk they don't have to take.

You're gobsmacked that they don't want a violent, volatile stranger to store stuff on their property? Really?

I disagree that this is a small favour. What if the magazines were stolen, this could end up with her parents being held liable. You're also not asking this favour of your friend, you are asking of two people you presumably don't know all that well? If I was her, I'd think it was quite cheeky of you to ask as it could put her in quite a difficult situation with her parents who she presumably feels quite responsible for. Let alone to hold it against her that she has rightly said no.

@Redman73 if you lived near me, your son would be welcome to store a plastic box in the corner of my drive for a day or two.
But then, I do leaflet deliveries and cannot always carry them all, so I have some understanding of the problem. Leaving them in bags under bushes or wherever is impossible, someone alwayse seems to move them. I haven't tried a trolley but some of the streets I deliver to, lugging it over unmade roads wouldn't be easy.

Trolley is a great idea!

I’d have thought very high chance of leaflets getting damp. No boxes are fully water proof. Any moisture and they’ll stick together and be ruined. Seems a bad idea likely to backfire.

The friend and her parents had the right to refuse and I'm sure they had a good reason (even someone's anxiety is still a valid reason), but the majority of the responses are a little overdramatic. A plastic box by someone's front door attracting thieves and lurkers in broad daylight; rats, foxes and dogs plotting to tip the box over causing hundreds of leaflets to be strewn across the entire neighbourhood (they're actually magazines so couldn't go far but nevermind); torrential rain destroying everything... And I thought I was pessimistic!

Your friend can't answer for her parents. Thats where the problem lies. Why didn't you ask them direct.

It’s hard not to jump in with solutions. I’m currently biting my tongue about driving lessons as DS was completely opposed to learning in an automatic. I knew he would find manual very challenging and he is but his instructor is very patient and kind so I’m rolling with it for now but he is at least recognising that it’s more challenging than he thought it would be which is usually the first step to him considering an alternative.

I think you were unreasonable to ask this. It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to ask others for help with this. You have to come up with a solution that it isn’t causing an issue for your friend or her parents. I would feel uncomfortable asking my family members to do this if I was your friend. And absolutely no, you shouldn’t have asked them as it just puts people in an awkward situation.

I can not believe some of the responses on here. How heartless for them and her not to help. Not a very good friend at all.

None of these points are relevant.

Violence is serious and people will treat it seriously.

I appreciate you are the one living with it, trying to resolve it, having to live day to day and making sure life goes on, trying to help your son. I really feel for you.

If I was your friend I would want to support you, I might make decisions to take personal risks for myself to help you with your son, or I might not. It would be my choice. What I am certain of is that I would not take the slightest risk of roping in my parents to any arrangements with your son.

If you are going to continue having supportive useful friendships its really important to face up to the reality of the situation, and the risk decisions that your friends are making.

It comes across as very strange that you are talking about box sizes and number of hours. But you are going through such a tough time, so it's not surprising that your perspective is skewed.

All the best, try to hold on to your friends.

Asking for any sort of favour is completely unacceptable on Mumsnet. I’m sorry, OP-I think that was a completely shitty way for your friend to behave.

Asking for a favor is fine
getting upset if the answer is no is what’s wrong

It's the parents that have refused. I assume because they don't know you etc.

All this about him being agreesive etc has been blown out of proportion

@Redman73 "High functioning but needs constant support and struggles with his emotions/mental health. He is often violent and this has become particularly bad over the last six months. Things at home are tough and I am very open about this with my close friends.."

And that's the problem, right there. He might be the nicest most loving boy in the world but you've told your friend that he has meltdowns and can be violent. I know he's never violent out of the house and that he wouldn't cause her parents any trouble, but other people (no matter how close and lovely you think they are) are not going to take the risk. Especially as her parents aren't particularly young. I can just hear them saying "I'm not going to get involved with that!" Sorry OP.

It's the friends parents, not her I think?

Totally this.

Presumably the friend's parents are in their late 70s early 80s? If so they might well get anxious about things like this.

I agree that a push along trolley would be a much better solution

https://www.moverx.co.uk/products/moverx-120l-folding-camping-trolley-festival-wagon

@Redman73

I agree with what others have said that the parents may overly worry about the box which could be why they've said no, but if that is the case then I think your friend could have said that and I am sure you would have understood.

Your question was were you unreasonable to be upset by it - and in lieu of an explanation then no, given the length and closeness of the friendship, you are not unreasonable to be upset, but honestly I would just let it go.

However, some of the responses on here really sum up how far we've fallen as a society in terms of what people are willing to do for others and the perception that even asking is some kind of cardinal sin!

There are several people that have said they may be concerned that it would escalate to him asking to use the loo or whatever.....the thought of not letting someone I have known since they were three years old use the loo at my house if they happened to be passing is just ridiculous to me.

They all come across like Catherine Tate's Nan screaming 'What a fucking liberty' at their screens before angrily bashing out a reply!

The lack of comprehension and misreading of your posts calling you angry (when you said upset) or saying they wouldn't want him in the vicinity when he will literally be in the vicinity delivering leaflets whether they store the box there or not is ridiculous!

However, I believe you said earlier that they do know him? Sorry, I can't find the exact post... And if it's the case that they do know him, and still don't want to do it, then for whatever reason, you will have to accept it.

Even if he is only violent towards himself, bless him, it can still be distressing to witness for people who might not understand.

my child is autistic so I do get it can be difficult, but not everyone wants a plastic box on their drive. I think as well he needs to be encouraged to reconsider that a trolley is embarrasing with pointing out postmen and women have trolleys or whatever. Let him choose the trolley, decorate it with his favourite colours if you think that would help.

This was my thought & think a cool looking shopping trolley is an excellent idea. Would I do this to help this autistic young man absolutely but I would respect the fact it's your friends parents & if they were to oblige everyone who wanted the use of their drive it would be an added stress to their stage of life when there is a greater risk of emergencies. Id let this one go & accept my friends decision with grace.

Can you not drive him?