to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

Also, I'd add that you don't undergo a selection process to have a pint. Disabled people who are capable of working often never get past the interview stage. Doesn't matter that there are laws against discrimination, employers don't have to state why they didn't hire you, and you can't prove it was because your medical history put them off, or they aren't willing to make reasonable adjustments.

So many people get stuck in a depressing cycle of being written off for the disability everyone keeps being told isn't a viable reason for not working. It's a crap situation all round.

Yes, I think that's a good idea, given that you seem to just want people to mindlessly agree with you. I just hope you never find yourself in a situation where you're reliant on benefits and others make the sort of assumptions you've been making on this thread.

It doesn't make sense.

Someone who is gaming may be mentally escaping for a bit. Mental incapacity is just as valid as physical incapacity. I suspect the poster you are replying to is the type to confront people parking in disabled spaces because they have an invisible disability and it's not obvious.

Going to the pub and gaming doesn't rule out serious disability.

"You did something you might have enjoyed a bit. How dare you! You are clearly able to work!" I don't think you really understand disability.

Is it only acceptable for people on benefits to sit at home staring at their navel feeling miserable all day?

I know someone who is now doing a lot better after significant disability and wanting to get back into work. There is a significant gap in the work history. It's so hard for them to get a job with that. Having been disabled becomes a disability itself when trying to get work.

Why did it throw her? We encouraged ds to stop doing his weekend job once he started Year 13. He'd earned quite a lot of money by that point and we all agreed he should concentrate on his studies and also leave a little time for leisure. He's no shirker, barely ever spends any money or asks us for anything, and he's got the rest of his life to work. He has an offer from a top uni and needs to get his grades- that's a lot more important to him and us than working in a pub every weekend.

Yup, there was a post on a thread a while back where someone said that if someone can attend a day centre then they should be made to get a job... bearing in mind that day centres tend to be for people with learning disabilities and dementia.

It made me laugh that someone upthread suggested that gaming be banned. DM games and she is not far off 70. Some ND folks use gaming to self regulate. It is their safe thing to do.

I emptied my kitchen bin today. I guess that means I should be applying to work on the council emptying bins 🙄

I know someone who was reassessed and declared fit to work... after 30 years out the workforce. The job centre was trying to make him apply for care work. He has schizophrenia and can not even look after himself.
Guess what... the stress of it all made him relapse and now he is not fit for work again.

No way would any employer look at his CV and give him a chance. He had nothing on it!

30 years is a long time out. The person I know has only been out ten years, which is still a lot, but they did have a good work history before they became disabled. I'm sure there is someone out there willing to give them a go and a hand up, just have to find them.

Yes it is, but he spent a lot of his life in and out of hospital.

The trouble is, no one wants to take the chance on someone with such a massive gap in their work history. He will never be someone's first choice to employ. He is also late 50s, so the age thing is a factor too.

I'm 36, and apart from a couple of months in 2020 when I had child care, I haven't worked for 17 years. I have delayed sleep phase disorder, it means my circadian rhythm is opposite to normal people- I can sleep well in the day time but cannot fall asleep at night without sleeping pills, which I would not get consistently from NHS. I had no support from my son's father and not consistent support from family. Obviously I couldn't leave my child at home alone all night when he was younger.

Then in 2020 I developed schizophrenia and just was in no state to hold down a job. Another barrier to work was the state of my teeth. I wasn't raised to brush my teeth, it just wasn't a thing, and so even though I cleaned them daily as an adult the damage was done, the enamel was wrecked, and they just continued to deteriorate as I got older even though I spent a lot of time in the dentist chair. I've needed implants for several years.

My teeth are in such a state I can't bring myself to talk to people other than my family, and I can't imagine going for job interviews and associating with coworkers like this. It causes me debilitaing social anxiety.

Thankfully my family are now taking a loan for me to get implants and I will be starting the treatment soon. I am so excited. It will change my life. And I am receiving private healthcare for sleeping pills. But I think it will be a night job I will go for once my implants are done, as I don't want to have to rely on pills for the rest of my life. And my son is old enough to be alone at night.

I'm also now on an effective antipsychotic and have made it 8 months without a break or continuing paranoia.

So it feels like I'm finally turning my life around, and I can't wait to work. I've been bored out of my mind since my son stopped needing my attention all the time. It is daunting after all this time, but I will do it. I am even thinking of pursuing higher education. Night classes or Open University (I failed my studies last time due to psychotic breaks)

Just saying, to look at me you would assume and think why don't I work. But these things can be hidden disability

I think if the government want people in work there needs to be a better standard of medical care

What, why should she retire 'already'
I dont imagine the early 20s grads would get her job...
Maybe they should ask her about her career path as a successful woman and learn something

I do understand disability. My wife's disabled in actual fact. She still works full time. She has to, though, we don't have a choice.

Charity shop, retail work incl. Warehouse, support work volunteer roles, agency work, paper rounds

Does she not qualify for any form of assistance?

It sounds like you perhaps understand your wife's disability while lacking understanding of disability more broadly. While I appreciate disability affects people in very different ways, if your wife is able to work full time while also maintaining a relationship, she would be considered by the current model to be living with a lower level of disability than many who have been deemed eligible for certain benefits . Even those of us who manage to spend a few hours in a pub or restaurant now and then!

If you can't work, you sadly don't have a choice about not being able to work.

They’re in a comfort zone. Life is different nowadays…

Me & my mates would have been young adults in the late 90s. We were from nice homes, but all worked in McDonalds / petrol garage / local restaurant or shop.

When we moved to London, Paris, NYC, Sydney we slept on floors & worked in bars. We had a bloody good laugh too! Doctors were handing out Prozac, but…

Everyone wanted to leave home. Experience life. Even the hard bits. Making friends, break-ups, bad bosses, paying the bills. It helped make is who we are today.

It was different times. But I enjoyed my youth, at least. For the most part. It’s sad to think that kids are missing out on all of this character-building stuff. On life itself, it seems…

I was your dc with a whole lot of trauma beforehand. Id had jobs and volunteering before, lots of, but at the time I was lost and barely functioning. My cpn suggested I get a job and a few agencies, luck gave me a really inspiring workplace, not a great job let's be real but honestly a lot learned over that Summer. I was already regularly volunteering in a charity shop.
Its 25 yrs later or so, im now a respected professional, managing a team and earning a fairly good wage, bought my own home with no help. I still struggle with my mental health not in a small way but work full time in a responsible job.
Sometimes we need a push. Being around people and having a purpose I am fairly sure have more positive benefits than negative on mental health.

Yes but someone else a bit younger would get her job. And someone else a bit younger still would get that's persons vacated job. And it would filter down and an entry level position would open.

That's not the reason young graduates dont have jobs..
Imo

Apologies not 25 yrs, 15. Aged myself unnecessarily!

Speaking on wider cultural trends, I do wonder if a lack of early independence is a factor. We know there are windows in childhood development where we gain certain social competencies - what if those experiences aren't happening in those windows? All the 20-somethings I know doing well now have parents who allowed them unstructured and unsupervised play from when they were small and expected them to do chores and take on responsibilities as they got older. These kids seemed to have been in the minority. They got themselves to school, were expected to have part time jobs and do chores. So going into the world, for them, hasn't been such a big leap, they already knew they can navigate new situations and get on with others - and experienced the rewards of independence.

I do think a combination of novel circumstances have converged to the detriment of young adults within our culture: 24hr, in your room entertainment, as mentioned; online addiction (and mistaking online for real world experiences); a lack of in-person socialisation; the removal of social stigma at failing to launch; identities wrapped up in mental health diagnosis forming, in some cases, self-created limitations (whilst also garnering social kudos with peers for said limitations); a pathological dislike of any kind of discomfort or uncertainty; too many university degrees from institutions only interested in their bottom line rather than standards (leading to an academic arms race, and further loans, to prove the grad actually knows anything) - and that's without even touching on the job market.

Honestly, I don't envy any parent battling with this issue. It must be very worrying and deeply frustrating but they're not helping their kids by indulging them. Boundaries are needed. The kids need to learn to function in a world that will not pick up after them and will not have patience for learned helplessness.

(Obviously, I am not talking about young people with serious disabilities)

@CraftandGlamour I think you might be right about your points re less independence for kids etc. but I don't know about there not being any stigma about "failure to launch"-even the label is stigmatising! And it seems like the only group of people it's acceptable to make fun of/talk down about these days.

There has always been people who didn't marry and lived with their parents. A neighbour of my nan's did and he died a few years ago at nearly 80 having lived in his parents house all his life. No one was describing those people as having "failure to launch" back then, at least I don't think so. It's a fairly recent term. And it never used to bother people like it does now. Even if someone works it's still seen as a bit sad when it's literally no one else's business.

Most people I know who moved out early moved in with a partner. I was not so lucky!

So your wife is disabled and able to work full time. Lucky her. She is one person. That doesn't mean she is representative of all disabled people.

You might think you have no choice but, if she had no choice but to not work, you'd also have no choice but to find a way to manage.

Its fair to not like the term so let's but that aside, its quite clear the phenomenon has gone from being unusual to very common, hence, I guess, naming it. I do disagree that it's socially frowned upon. Thread after thread here has posters proudly pointing out that their adult children still live at home and will always have a place there with them, as if aspiring for an adult child's independence, or roughing it for a few years, is somehow a bad thing.

Just editing to say that, as this is primarily a parenting forum, its probably more likely to attract those who are still very invested in the parenting aspect of their lives, even if their children are at the stage of decision-making adulting so that might be skewering my impressions here.