Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

676 replies

goldenteapot · 17/03/2026 09:39

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 21:36

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 21:34

Do you think there are any young adults who instead of can't work, just won't work, or won't even try?

That is where you start.

Of course there are, but it's important to make the distinction.

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 21:38

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 21:36

Of course there are, but it's important to make the distinction.

So how do you do that?

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 21:39

@frozendaisy yes but I'd imagine it'd be almost impossible to tell the genuine cases from the others. And depression would make someone "not even want to try", I imagine their self-esteem is also in the gutter.

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 21:42

And how do you decide if you can't distinguish between those that can't and those that won't how much social (including financial) support you give?

If you give too much support then the ones that won't, won't ever be inspired to do, if you give too little then the ones that can't might have to accept a standard of life that is undignified through no fault of their own.

Isn't this the question that each government tries to answer.

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 21:50

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 21:24

Do you not just upload it? I have taught online university in recent years and everything was uploaded.

I did. This is the entire point why I am saying we need the Internet

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 21:51

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 21:39

@frozendaisy yes but I'd imagine it'd be almost impossible to tell the genuine cases from the others. And depression would make someone "not even want to try", I imagine their self-esteem is also in the gutter.

But there is a finite amount of support both physically (like social housing), financially (welfare bill) and medically.

Establishing the genuine need, over the want need, is essential for the genuine needers. But if more and more conditions are included in the can't work it spreads thin the resources for all.

Making decisions, take depression for example, that with medication, life style changes and life coaching, depression is not going to be a condition with endless social support. A compassionate amount of time but not endless. Would that be acceptable?
Or would it be better to include depression into the lifelong social support and spread each payment for all a little thinner?

What is the societal answer to this?

Because supporting everyone to the highest level indefinitely is not it, and the expectation of it might end up with the UK voting in a much more right wing party who basically say "small state everyone for themselves" and that is a much worse position for all to be in. But it might happen.

plsdontlookatme · 20/03/2026 21:51

As someone who has always worked very hard and who does have a job, I know what workplace environments can be like for autistic people and would never conflate struggling with employment due to autism with failure to launch/poor work ethic etc

Holdonforsummer · 20/03/2026 21:53

Only on page 1 and OP is getting smugger and smugger

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 21:55

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 21:23

8 miles is nothing. As a round trip, that's walkable. Even doing it by public transport or car burns more calories than sitting on your backside and downloading a ticket. We have a society that needs to move more.

I do buy tickets online all the time and it is very convenient. Definitely one aspect I do like of the internet.

As for football, wouldn't care if that didn't exist. 😁

I'm a personal trainer and fitness instructor or was until I broke my leg. I still don't fancy having to walk an 8 mile round trip to pick up a football season ticket that I can get on my phone. In reality I would get the bus but it's still much easier buying online

For context. I bought a ticket online to see my football club away from home in a few weeks. If I hadn't bought online this morning. I would have missed out

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 21:57

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 21:50

I did. This is the entire point why I am saying we need the Internet

We'll have to agree to disagree then, because systems worked just fine before the internet too IMO and experience.

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 21:58

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 21:51

But there is a finite amount of support both physically (like social housing), financially (welfare bill) and medically.

Establishing the genuine need, over the want need, is essential for the genuine needers. But if more and more conditions are included in the can't work it spreads thin the resources for all.

Making decisions, take depression for example, that with medication, life style changes and life coaching, depression is not going to be a condition with endless social support. A compassionate amount of time but not endless. Would that be acceptable?
Or would it be better to include depression into the lifelong social support and spread each payment for all a little thinner?

What is the societal answer to this?

Because supporting everyone to the highest level indefinitely is not it, and the expectation of it might end up with the UK voting in a much more right wing party who basically say "small state everyone for themselves" and that is a much worse position for all to be in. But it might happen.

Yes I would agree with that. I think ADs are pretty life-changing these days (never been on them personally) so yeah if someone is diagnosed with depression you'd expect them to maybe get a little help to begin with and then be put on ADs which would hopefully help, and if not therapy etc. you don't want that to be a lifelong thing.

I do think there are too many conditions covered these days. When I was younger, being on benefits for depression was just something I never even considered. I'm not sure what the answer is and agree it's not really sustainable as it is atm. I just think we have lots of people that wouldn't even be any use in the workplace either unfortunately.

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 22:02

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 21:38

So how do you do that?

That is a good question and it's not easy. However, there are tells and a full evaluation would be needed. For those who feel they just can't, engagement with support to help them become more capable would be expected. Those who genuinely can't due to ND factors probably have a history of documented and identifiable issues that point to genuineness. The difficultly is that it is very individual and it's quite demanding to do such individual assessments. That alone would cost a lot of money and time. It's not as easily measurable as physical medical conditions that are obvious. However, asking someone with a psychosocial genuine disability to pull their socks up and work is no different than asking a person in a wheelchair to get up and walk.

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:03

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 21:57

We'll have to agree to disagree then, because systems worked just fine before the internet too IMO and experience.

I don't agree. The Internet makes life easier for a lot of people. Ordering online shopping for example. Applying for jobs. Some people are housebound and have to order things like shopping online. I have a friend in her 70s who has no family near her. She does her shopping completely online - she's housebound and her husband died a few years ago and she relies on Internet shopping

I can also only make GP appointments online. I can't phone. But no matter. What do I know

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 22:06

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:03

I don't agree. The Internet makes life easier for a lot of people. Ordering online shopping for example. Applying for jobs. Some people are housebound and have to order things like shopping online. I have a friend in her 70s who has no family near her. She does her shopping completely online - she's housebound and her husband died a few years ago and she relies on Internet shopping

I can also only make GP appointments online. I can't phone. But no matter. What do I know

How do you think housebound people got on before the internet? I worked in a supermarket as a teenager. People could phone in their orders and they were delivered. If you didn't have family or a support worker to do it for you. If you couldn't phone, there was teletext for people with disabilities.

For every situation there was a solution pre-internet. I agree that it's easier with the internet and I prefer those systems, however it wasn't impossible.

I hope there's never a major internet outage for people who just can't seem to cope without it.

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:09

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 21:58

Yes I would agree with that. I think ADs are pretty life-changing these days (never been on them personally) so yeah if someone is diagnosed with depression you'd expect them to maybe get a little help to begin with and then be put on ADs which would hopefully help, and if not therapy etc. you don't want that to be a lifelong thing.

I do think there are too many conditions covered these days. When I was younger, being on benefits for depression was just something I never even considered. I'm not sure what the answer is and agree it's not really sustainable as it is atm. I just think we have lots of people that wouldn't even be any use in the workplace either unfortunately.

Some GPs don't prescribe anti depressants easily. Mine don't. I had to have a complete breakdown in 2023 after I was stalked and threatened before my GP gave me them

Oh yes and therapy. I'm really glad I got it but I waited 8 months when I was suicidal and lots of people waited a lot longer

Lots of people who wouldn't be of any use in the workplace? I really hope you take a step back

I first started suffering from depression after a suicide of a relative.

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:11

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 22:06

How do you think housebound people got on before the internet? I worked in a supermarket as a teenager. People could phone in their orders and they were delivered. If you didn't have family or a support worker to do it for you. If you couldn't phone, there was teletext for people with disabilities.

For every situation there was a solution pre-internet. I agree that it's easier with the internet and I prefer those systems, however it wasn't impossible.

I hope there's never a major internet outage for people who just can't seem to cope without it.

Edited

You have picked at every single thing I have posted on here. Everything. - and thats the last time you'll do it

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 22:16

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:11

You have picked at every single thing I have posted on here. Everything. - and thats the last time you'll do it

I have simply responded with the alternatives that worked before the internet to demonstrate that there are alternatives to the internet. It's called 'discussion', which is the purpose of these forums. At least I do find crises easy to deal with as I'm very adaptable.

frozendaisy · 20/03/2026 22:19

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 21:58

Yes I would agree with that. I think ADs are pretty life-changing these days (never been on them personally) so yeah if someone is diagnosed with depression you'd expect them to maybe get a little help to begin with and then be put on ADs which would hopefully help, and if not therapy etc. you don't want that to be a lifelong thing.

I do think there are too many conditions covered these days. When I was younger, being on benefits for depression was just something I never even considered. I'm not sure what the answer is and agree it's not really sustainable as it is atm. I just think we have lots of people that wouldn't even be any use in the workplace either unfortunately.

But isn't that how things need to be changed, if looked at compassionately, that many are not any use in the workplace. Ok so many can't face the workplace, which is also a large span of options.

You can roast coffee beans to perfection as a job
Or handle extremely complex angry insurance customers

The workplace is very varied. It can be as interactive and confrontational or as solo as you choose.

Then it reverts to can't or won't.

Life is complex and interesting, if you look around you, I am currently in our kitchen, the taps, table, chairs, screws fixing things to the wall, the packet of coffee beans, the cups, microwave, recipe books etc etc, they are all designed, supplied, sold and used by various people. Not to even say insured and maintained. Saying that someone is incapable of finding something they can get paid to do within the complexity of our modern lives is depressing. I think that concept of can't and won't is much deeper than some people think.

I am not sure how much longer (financially) or even politically the inertia will or can be subsidised. Even the yogurt pot on the side, real greek of course :-0, we do fall for a marketing scam, the design on the front, the data on the back, the shelving, logistics to move a refrigerated item across the country, in the quantities for reduced waste sale to the correct supermarket store, predicting each week. There are a huge number of employees involved in that one yogurt pot.

Or the box of eggs. Think about it. How many jobs are involved in getting people non-crushed eggs into shops.

It's how you view this world, sometimes.
You can't work or you won't work.

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:19

I was housebound for 6 months in 2022 after a broken shoulder and a torn rotator cuff. I was housebound again in 2024 after a triple leg fracture. It's not that I can't go a day without it. It was a lifeline for me when I could not get out of the house - and I don't have a large family to pick up the slack.

Seriously. I can't get a GP appointment or medication without being online but I haven't to be online because some people can't stop gaming? Right you are then.

Oh and I can cope with not being online. I coped for the first 34 years of my life - but there have been times lately where I have needed access to the Internet.

Like many people!

Mama2many73 · 20/03/2026 22:21

This is not my experience at all. We are in the North East and all the young people in our family have jobs and many work in the career their degree is in.
I also volunteer with a group of children from 7 to 21. Several of those over 16 have part time jobs and of those who have left and keep in touch, all are working.

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 22:22

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:09

Some GPs don't prescribe anti depressants easily. Mine don't. I had to have a complete breakdown in 2023 after I was stalked and threatened before my GP gave me them

Oh yes and therapy. I'm really glad I got it but I waited 8 months when I was suicidal and lots of people waited a lot longer

Lots of people who wouldn't be of any use in the workplace? I really hope you take a step back

I first started suffering from depression after a suicide of a relative.

Oh right sorry to hear that. I was under the impression you could get them quite easily. I know mine wanted me to take them for anxiety but I declined. Therapy I know is v hard to get on the NHS.

Lots of people who wouldn't be of any use in the workplace? I really hope you take a step back

I include myself in that! Maybe I just have rock bottom self-esteem but I genuinely think I would be a liability. I don't mean it as an insult (accept I could've worded it nicer) but that people might not be able to cope with the workload. I fell behind a lot just when I worked part-time and I'd be even worse now.

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:33

Firefly1987 · 20/03/2026 22:22

Oh right sorry to hear that. I was under the impression you could get them quite easily. I know mine wanted me to take them for anxiety but I declined. Therapy I know is v hard to get on the NHS.

Lots of people who wouldn't be of any use in the workplace? I really hope you take a step back

I include myself in that! Maybe I just have rock bottom self-esteem but I genuinely think I would be a liability. I don't mean it as an insult (accept I could've worded it nicer) but that people might not be able to cope with the workload. I fell behind a lot just when I worked part-time and I'd be even worse now.

You don't need to apologise. Unfortunately the system as it is forces people to go to work when they aren't able. I have said this on other posts. I was turned down for disability benefits three times when I had anxiety depression and ptsd. I was pretty much suicidal at one point and I was told I was fit for work

I only got disability benefits in the end when I shattered my leg to pieces and even then I had to battle

I got adult disability payment too and I was treated well for once. Because when I got it for my shattered leg and I was crying down the phone about my mental health the assessor said hang on. There's more going on

Someone on another thread today said ADP is too easy to get - well it helped put me back together when I was broken. Not least because the assessor was kind to me. I had spent the previous four years trying to tell the dwp I wasn't well and was told I was

thankgoodnessforpuppies · 20/03/2026 22:43

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:33

You don't need to apologise. Unfortunately the system as it is forces people to go to work when they aren't able. I have said this on other posts. I was turned down for disability benefits three times when I had anxiety depression and ptsd. I was pretty much suicidal at one point and I was told I was fit for work

I only got disability benefits in the end when I shattered my leg to pieces and even then I had to battle

I got adult disability payment too and I was treated well for once. Because when I got it for my shattered leg and I was crying down the phone about my mental health the assessor said hang on. There's more going on

Someone on another thread today said ADP is too easy to get - well it helped put me back together when I was broken. Not least because the assessor was kind to me. I had spent the previous four years trying to tell the dwp I wasn't well and was told I was

A good society looks after the most vulnerable. I do worry for those who are unable to advocate for themselves and don't have someone to advocate for them while navigating this. I'm glad you got them in the end but, yes, it's a battle a lot of the time.

ChappellApple · 20/03/2026 22:44

MustWeDoThis · 17/03/2026 12:00

Working where I do and seeing ignorant, uninformed, uneducated, disabilist, discriminatory, bullying posts such as this makes me want to bang my head off of a wall. I will never understand why people like yourself make these posts, why you're so nasty and venemous towards people with neurological didabilities which could cause them further harm and harm to others in the work place.

Please enlighten me why people with disabilities make you feel so disgusted? Then again, I'm probably wasting my energy on people like you.

What a nasty individual, poking fun at people with disabilities. I suppose you're going to blame them/someone/something for the fact they were born with autism, next?

Jesus. If this was a post asking why able minded and able bodied individuals can work; I wouldn't feel so angry when seeing these posts. I would be more than understanding.

Lately, Mumsnet has turned into an attack forum, instead of a forum for help.

You could have worded this better; "Please would anyone mind explaining that prevents you from being in the workplace when you're ND, because I want to better further my understanding and knowledge going forward, enabling myself to be more empathetic."

Alas, we have developed a culture of class-labeling, arrogant boomers.

@mumsnet Are you not able to delete these posts? Imagine someone with a disability, coming across this and feeling horrendous because they do not work.

This!

MyLimePoet · 20/03/2026 22:44

And to the person that said if you can go to the pub you can work - when I was being stalked I was working. A crap zero hours job but a job nonetheless. I got threatened. I had photos of my house put online. I got packages sent to my home. Six years on I'm still not over it

I wasn't on UC for a couple of years due to a flat sale (forced). Got peanuts for it but enough not to have to be in the benefits system

It was a constant battle to get disability benefits. I broke my shoulder and I was told I was fit for work because I didn't break both. That's the legislation

In the beginning. I couldn't have got out of bed never mind gone to the pub. But if someone who is disabled wants to go for the odd pint or two. Please don't tell them they are fit to work - you do not know what's going on in people's lives - you really don't

It took me 6 years after being stalked to be able to apply for a job - and I have always worked