to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

It depends on the actual circumstances. If the parents are letting them bun around and claim benefits, then you’re not being unreasonable. If the parents are tearing their hair and trying everything ti encourage their reluctant offspring to get a job, then perhaps you are. One of my DC stayed at home in their twenties: had a “nothing” job that they gave up, and then got stuck doing nothing much and I was in utter despair. Eventually, however, they pulled themselves together and are now living their own life, having trained and qualified for something they would earlier have dismissed out of hand. So it’s not always parents just “letting” their DC do nothing at home.

Most are claiming benefits but that's a pretty middle-class thing of maximising income TBH, so I can understand that.

It's more that it is universal among my peers. I don't have a single relative of my age that I can sit down with and say 'isn't it great that they have a good job and are living in the city?' I feel like I can't even talk about it without being smug. Maybe I am smug?!

Expectations of Gen Z are quite different to Gen X and Millennials, I've found.

While I think we have been too accommodating to employers and corporations, the pendulum seems to have swing way too far in the opposite direction and there are an awful lot of entitled brats with no resilence and think their feelings and desires should trump everythibg else.

In our well intentioned attempts for our children to be seen and heard and have boundaries in a way that we weren't, we've mollycoddled and enabled this laziness and selfishness. People in their 20s should not need to be nagged into getting a job!

Can't you just... be happy that your kids are doing well and empathise with how frustrating, disappointing and worrying it must be for your friends whose DCs are finding life so much harder??

My son is younger than this, but the reality is that his ASD is likely to make it incredibly difficult to gain paid employment - very few employers will give a job to someone with v limited communication skills. No amount of tough love is going to change that.

You know your friends better than me, it may be laziness, or it may just be the reality that it is harder in many ways than when I was their age.

Ive Seen similar op. Very bright and qualified young adults but never had a job or volunteered. They’re looking for specific roles but aren’t getting them. Instead of thinking “I’ll get any job in the mean time”, they’re still applying for specific roles and getting rejected. Rejections start taking their toll after a while and leads to low self esteem. Getting any job or volunteering leads to higher self esteem but it’s hard for them to see that.
im not blaming anyone. It’s just tough out there for jobs and if a young person has their heart set on something they are qualified gif and should be able to do, then it’s a shame those opportunities aren’t there.

Just be glad that your children are doing well at the moment, OP. That should be your main focus.

I do wonder if it's a generational parenting thing, definitely.

I was always stricter than my friends and often felt a bit Victorian in my approach. I didn't give them money when they asked and I do a lot of things that people think are old fashioned (standing up for adults on a train was clearly one that came up here recently!!!). But in the long run I think it paid off.

I am glad, but they really worked for it. One was told she was 'working too much' (at a shop) by her tutors over A-Levels and it really threw her - but I encouraged her to continue: those skills were just as important IMO.

I just think it's sad. Study, job, travel, house sharing with friends, meeting someone special, all lovely things that we traditionally did when growing up and finding our way in life. Sitting at home at the parents house gaming, what a shit life to lead.

A whole world out there, loads of fun to be had and too many are missing out. They should want to go do these things.

I do agree, it's gutting for them. But hasn't that always been the way? I didn't get any sort of post-graduate job that I wanted, but I just signed up with agencies and got any admin work instead, and worked up from there.

It's so true. It's really sad.

But the gaming/phones are such an addiction and we didn't have that alternative to fall into... thank God... it was work or staring at the walls.

My kids are both at uni and the older e is worried about the grad job market…. He’s applied for lots of internships and got nothing. My brothers DS has a 2:1 from RG uni and is working in a building site while doing lots of applications. Clearly there are a lot of NEETS but not everyone is taking the piss.

Maybe home life is just a bit to comfy nowadays, with on tap bedroom entertainment too.

I left home quite young because I wanted the excitement of living with friends and getting out in the world - staying up till 4am if I wanted!
It was boring at home, Bergerac at 9 then everyone in bed by 10.30. Shepherds Pie and housework, gardening, decorating day in day out.

Living out of home means getting jobs to pay for it. It was worth it. I had an absolute whale of a time.

Young adults nowadays lead such boring lives.

Not everyone with ASD has “very limited communication skills” though. If every single person with ASD never worked EVER in paid employment this country will be absolutely screwed.

I know a couple of people like this.

Adult children (aged 30 & 32) still living at home, no jobs or uni (have done a bit of PT work at McDonalds several years ago) and as far as I can see, no plan for the future.
No diagnosis of anything other than being "depressed", I wonder what the long-term plan is as the parents are going to be getting older, possibly want to move and ultimately when they are no-longer providing a roof over their heads and financial support?🤔

I try not to say anything as my friend gets very defensive so it is best to avoid the subject but is is strange being there in the afternoon and one of the "kids" appears to make a belated breakfast.☹️

As a parent there is a lot you can do to give your kids the right support, grounding and encouragement to get out and get a job.

BUT you cannot do it for them and some young people find life very difficult. No one wants kids sitting around gaming and on benefits and while it's great your kids are doing well it is a lot more complex than just doing a good job as a parent.

My son is 23 and studying to be a Social Worker so I don't recognise this on a personal level. I do however object to you mentioning autism as an excuse not to work. My youngest has autism and is still college trying his best

Yes, it has! Same here, you worked in anything in order to get working then either worked way up, or kept looking for opportunities to open in chosen career.

There was the expression too, that it was easier to get a job if you had a job, as it showed willingness and ability to work.

While the job market is hard, there are things to be done. Take any job, volunteer, and lower expectations at the beginning. We all started at the bottom.

That's true too - the types of places I lived in my 20s were very very rough. There's no way most young adults now would countenance living in squats or in the sort of places I lived in. But it was such an adventure.

We do provide such nice lives for our kids now - everything is on hand: food, shelter, entertainment...

In that situation I’d be depressed but a kick up the backside might be more effective than medication.

That’s really strange and I would feel your frustration in your situation. But I honestly don’t recognise this at all. My children, in their twenties, all work as do their friends and partners. My friend’s children all work and I do know a wide range of people from “school run” days so everything from personal trainer, football coach, city trader, car dealer, estate agent, actress, doctor, beautician, teacher, chemist, sales assistant, Pokemon gamer (threw that one in as it is a thing!), data analyst… They’re all really busy.
Now you’ve made me think - I’m late 50s and recently moved back to North London. I realise what I love is the “buzz” of the young in my area - they’re always so busy! Equally I brought my family up in quite an average (now struggling) town in the south and everyone we know works hard, those in retail particularly are trying to get as many hours as they can to pay rent in house shares.

Maybe don't let it bother you so much @goldenteapot - it's great that your family is doing so well. Concentrate on that.

My alternative was being homeless! Parental rule was full time education or full time work when I grew up.

This is not what I have seen , my DS (21) has landed a grad job and all his friends work , either grad jobs, pubs, retail, petrol stations while applying.