to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

I suppose it annoys me for all the reasons on this thread - because the parents don't really seem that bothered (not enough to withdraw any of the nice lifestyle stuff from their DC), it's sad for their adult children, I don't see how it will work in 10-20 years if the situation doesn't change... and I wonder why it's come to this?

But mainly because I can't say anything in real life!

It's reassuring to hear that my experience is unusual and that lots of people on the thread have a totally different experience.

@goldenteapot do you have an opinion on the 3.5m 50-64 yrs olds economically inactive & how that impacts the economy since the majority are unwell?

@goldenteapot

Hmmm I do think this post makes you sound a tiny bit smug because you are suggesting that your superior, stricter parenting is what has made your kids more successful than the others who are struggling.

The job market is horrific at the moment. Anxiety, depression etc - these are all real things that require support, as does the challenges of neurodivergence.

I don’t support all-day gaming though.

I'm guessing most of those have had independent lives, and enjoyed themselves and flourished at some point.

Click bait.

I’m a little confused - you’re irate at friend’s adult DC but you also have the same situation happening in your family? Aren’t you irate at your DC’s many cousins too?

People attribute it all now to anxiety etc but frankly it’s not that simple. For many people it becomes a lifestyle. I see it in my boyfriend’s family.

Controversially, I don’t think people who can afford to coast off mum and dad and have one or more degrees should be able to sit around claiming benefits. Even more revolting, claiming them to put them into savings and “maximise income”. Just go get a job.

I think it depends on circumstances. I have a 17yo DD who will take every penny she can get. She’s at college 2.5 days per week. She works one day at a salon to gain hairdressing experience (minimum wage), then she works in a nail bar 16 hours a week and then on a weekend she works in a pub for 4 hours a night. It’s rare she has a day where she isn’t doing anything, and is loving both the money and social aspects of her life.

Her sister however is on the spectrum and will probably find life a little harder. Whilst she isn’t non-verbal, communication isn’t her greatest skill and will likely struggled during the interview process. I paid for my eldest to do a nail course, so will be paying for my youngest to do a dog grooming course. Whilst for neither it’s their chosen careers, it’ll give them a source of income. And for my youngest, it means she doesn’t really have to speak to that many people. So this is where parenting comes into it too, a little bit of nurturing and guidance is also key.

That’s so sad to me. I moved out at 18 and never went back, and it’s been the best thing. I don’t think you should be able to claim any benefits if you chose to not work and live with your parents as an adult, unless proven illness or disability

They probably do mind @Villanellesproudmum but don't know what to do about it.

I cannot believe that any parents wants this for their kids its awful but it can very difficult to know how to help an adult.

People say just kick them out or stop providing for them but it's not very realistic.

Maybe it’s who you mix with, how they’re parenting in some cases.

Our kids were privileged growing up, they went to private schools and had everything they wanted. They did a few hours a week work at uni but not much. We funded them including gap years/travelling. They all love gaming! 😅They were still raised to know they were fortunate, with the expectation to do their best at school and university and to work hard. Our older children are now in great careers, working hard, motivated and earning well. I don’t think kids have to have a hard life to be motivated and achieve. I do think they have to see their privilege, have good role models and be raised well.

Saying that, the jobs market is tough. One of my friends who parented similarly, has one child who it took over a year to get the job they wanted. They were fully engaged in looking, applying and preparing for interviews though.

ND is a separate issue. Three adult kids of my friends are autistic. One is very academic, has a PhD and earns a very high salary. One will probably never be able to work and one can only cope with part time low paid job. Life is very overwhelming for them. I see how much they struggle and would never judge them.

I wouldn’t class living in a squat as an adventure. I grew up very poor with parents who gave us nothing. It broke me at times, life seemed hopeless. I’m glad my children never had to have the experiences that I did.

Big problem is the influx of reality/youtube/influencers what ever you want to call them. They think they can make money putting videos online, going on love island etc and the reality is you can’t with out the hard work behind it.

my niece is a teen says she’s gonna be a YouTube influencer when she grows up.
helicopter parenting also doesn’t help. My 20 year god daughter is in uni but also works in cities arena, her mum still picks what shifts she can/can’t do. Based on whether she is available as she Drops hers, picks her up. She is capable of doing all this her self and I often point to her mum she was 20 when she had her, working full time, getting herself to and from work and having a baby.

Agreed!

I’m really worried about DC2 starting a career. They are now a student and due to graduate with a masters next year. They do currently work part time as a lifeguard. With the way recruitment works these days with timed online tests etc, it is going to be difficult for DC2 with dyslexia, autism and ADHD. The irony is, they have had several jobs and have always been a popular and conscientious member of staff - they follow instructions, are friendly and helpful to customers and are a good team player. They are currently also doing a project with a member of university staff and this staff-member wants them to do their masters project with them. So clearly DC2’s skills and qualities are appreciated once they are in, but getting through the door in the first place is so difficult.

OP, I do think it is likely that you are being unreasonable. It is unlikely that you fully understand the difficulties of the people you know. Also the job market for young people is terrible at the moment.

I’m neurodivergent and not even my close family members know about my struggles. In fact my GP and psychiatrist both describe me as “vulnerable” and my friends and family would be utterly shocked to hear this. I have a degree, 2 wonderful young adult DCs I have lived abroad and have worked all my life until about a year ago (now to I’ll to work). In the eyes of the rest of the world, I have spent all (except the last year) of my life looking like a fully-functional adult.

If they’re claiming benefits then it will be job seekers allowance and they’ll be expected to demonstrate that they are spending a certain number of hours (usually equivalent or close to a full time jobs worth) applying for jobs. They’ll have regular appointments with a work coach where they’ll need to provide evidence of this.

So I highly doubt they’re sitting around claiming benefits and not doing anything all day.

Anxiety, depression etc - these are all real things that require support, as does the challenges of neurodivergence.

I don’t support all-day gaming though.

My depressed gaming autistic twenty-something is currently the only full-time employed one of the three. He's developing VR games.

Two/three years ago I was despairing that he would ever leave home or even his bedroom, though.

This was me too! Left home really young and lived in a damp attic, but what a time I had, never did go home again unless I was between bedsit for a few weeks. It was such an adventure and the freedom....I cannot imagine anything worse than living in my bedroom with m6 parents downstairs, bloody grim.

Completely agree with you. Where does all this lead to ?

I don't know about 50% but yes I have seen many of my friends kids who aren't working in their 20s. My kids thankfully are incredibly hard working and driven. My son is 19 and autistic and he works for the same company he did his work experience with. It helps that we know the owners of the company (my husband has worked with them in the past which is how he got the work experience) but mostly the field he works in has been his special interest since he was about 5 so he is very skilled in it. I do worry that he will struggle in the future with job interviews even with his skill-set just due to social difficulties. The guys he works with are great and almost trained him on talking to people (saying hello and goodbye to colleagues each day for example!). They were also helpful when he was really struggling with the noise in the office and bright lights (his whole department ended up in a seperate office from the louder sales team and the lights above his desk were disabled).

I do find the anxiety in young people concerning. I do understand anxiety and suffered from debilitating anxirty myself in my 20s and 30s but I still had to work! I know several people of various ages who don't work due to anxiety and I don't think it does them any favours to be at home alone so much. If anything the lack of distraction makes it worse. I have discussed this a lot with my daughter who is at uni and she works during the holidays full time. She had a lot of anxiety as a teen (which was mostly cured by taking the pill and a lot of counselling) but if anything working was helpful for her. Yes it was a bit scary at first but she is a very confident person now and working was a large part of that. If you never step outside your comfort zone you can't grow. A lot of my daughters friends are too anxious to work. I'm not sure what they think will happen once uni is over!

I think it’s because the option not to work is available to them tbh. Most of us got jobs when we were young because our parents weren’t going to dole out the cash and we weren’t given the option of not working, my dad would have gone mental if I suggested claiming any kind of welfare, it was really frowned upon to be in any way reliant on the state unless you had a severe disability.

Human nature isn’t great and many of us are set up to avoid discomfort, I know I am.

I share your concern. There are 5 families in our main friendship group, mostly with late teen/ young adult kids, 11 in total.
2 final year uni with jobs lined up.
1 first year uni, doing ok.
3 attending secondary school but one (age 16) attending very sporadically, has to be driven there by dad or won't go at all.
1 x 21 year old. Did GCSEs, dropped out of 6th form, had PT job but gave up after 3 weeks as "boring".
1 x 20 year old, dropped out of school before GCSEs, done nothing since, on antidepressants.

2 x 18 year olds became school refusers after covid, no GCSEs, no jobs.
1 x 18 year old doing A levels, looking for PT job but not found anything.

So out of the 11 that's 6 doing ok so far (luckily both mine are in this group) and 5 doing pretty much nothingand living in their bedrooms gaming. The crying shame is that they aren't just "lazy" and enjoying doing nothing. They all seem really unhappy, bored, depressed and in a rut.

I sometimes think if my kids did that I'd kick their arses (metaphorically speaking) and not tolerate it. But that is easy for me to say. I'm not without sympathy. Lockdown did a huge amount of damage to growing adolescent brains. Uni is hardly enticing knowing you end up with huge debt and there seem to be hardly any jobs and lots of careers are disappearing to AI. Cost of living makes it impossible to leave home or save up. The planet and economy are in ruins. I can sort of see the logic in thinking "what's the point even trying?"

I don't know what the answer is!

It is a shame the do not count being a full time student from age 16-24 as a sort of employment. 100% of 16-18 years will be in full time education. Then a significant % will be attending University from 18-21, and and smaller % from 21+ in graduate study.

The 51.7% in employment gives a false impression that around half of 16-24 year olds are doing nothing.

I’m autistic but my parents were tough. I was expected to work despite my Asperger’s, a chronic health condition and depression (that I was medicated for at 16) They were very much “this is the world, I’m sorry things are rough for you but that’s life. You need to survive if anything happens to us and we will have failed you if we don’t insist that you get out there and figure out how to get by”
Tough love and I won’t pretend it was easy but I’ve achieved a lot for someone who was dealt a lot of crap in the life lottery!

There are no doubt parents who will disagree with that approach, but my parents were just doing what they felt they needed to.

Well thanks for making me feel even more shit about it than I already do. DS2 is 26 and living at home - he is autistic and has bouts of extreme depression and yes, he has retreated to his room and lives his life mostly online. He moved out for a while and had a job but couldn’t cope living independently and we persuaded him to move home again to recover and regroup and then DH died suddenly 36 hours after he’d come back home which plunged him back into deep depression. He’s gradually coming out of it but it’s glacially slow progress - he’s nearly finished an access to higher education course (he dropped out of school before his A-levels) and he’s passed his driving test so there are glimmers of hope. Over the years we have tried pretty much every approach possible to get him engaging with life but with very limited success. Tough love does not work with him - yes in some ways I’m enabling him but the alternative is watching him helplessly flounder. I hate watching him waste his life - there are so many things he’s missed out on but I can’t see how he gets out of this any quicker. My other two adult children are both autistic too but are coping with life/jobs etc but ds2 has been disintegrating ever since year 10 in secondary school.

You are not being unreasonable OP. Parents who allow their adult children to do this are absolutely failing them! When my DC turned 18 they were all given a choice, further education or work. Simple as that! 3 of them chose work and one chose further education with a part time job! Also two of them are diagnosed with ASD and ADHD as well as other difficulties so imo thats no excuse either!

Agree with you OP. Many of my friends’ adult children are choosing to stay at home with their parents because it’s nicer, easier and food is available / house is cleaned for them. I chose to leave home as I wanted my independence but it seems that many young adults now don’t crave that independence or at least aren’t willing to work to achieve it!

I do feel that some of my friends make it too easy for their adult children to remain at home and do nothing. They have told their children they will always have a roof over their head and food on the table whatever they do so there is limited motivation to work or aim for something different.