to be getting irate at friends with adult DC who do not work?

[goldenteapot]

My DC are in their mid-late 20s and all in work - but are the exception among family and friends. They have around 12 cousins - none of whom have ever worked in so much as a local pub or shop, and all live in their parents' naice houses gaming all day. Lots have one or two degrees, so are not stupid by any means! I think statistically about 50% of young adults of this age that are not working - but among my family and friends it's very much higher.

It's a similar story with friends: every adult child is depressed or anxious and/or autistic so cannot work. The assumption seems to be that the jobs market is too difficult and their children can't cope. Conversation when we meet is all about how frustrated everyone is because they can't get their DC to work or do anything around the house.

I just want to shake them all! They are providing no tough love or reasons that these children will ever work and live independently.

AIBU to be losing my patience with everyone, or am I a bit of a bitch and working life really is too tough these days for young people?

you parents were absolutely spot on! This was my approach as well!

I have it in my immediate household
my sons have always worked through a levels, uni, gap years, masters
step son has decided too anxious for finals so have spent the last year doing absolutely nothing, he is nearly 23
comes here, games and sleeps, reads.
does absolutely nothing to help, won’t even pop to the shop. Has a driving licence but has declared he does not need to drive. All whilst his parents pay for everything and drive him wherever required when told. Does not claim benefits, says it’s embarrassing and beneath him. Meant to be going back to take finals in may but I don’t believe he will, why would you when you have your life handed on a plate!
cannot deny it grinds my gears. I know it is none of my business and I keep out of it, but if he moves in here full time I’m leaving. It is his home and his parents can chose to carry on enabling this, but I'm not paying half of everything whilst a grown adult won’t even go for a tin of beans. It gives my DS the impression they have to work and contribute to chores when here, but my step children are too important and special for that

I think TWELVE cousins who have never worked and just sit around gaming all day is over egging the pudding.

In fact you've turned it into the world's biggest omelette there.

If the parents or the kids are constantly complaining to you sure i get if not

So what? You're not their parent so focus on your own children

It's illegal to squat in residential accommodation now :( .It's what I did when I was young, and I was certainly a bit of a waster for quite some time, but crucially out of the sight of my parents' friends.

But it was so easy in those days. Renting a cheap room in a shared house in London for easily a tenth of what it costs nowadays, covered by Housing Benefit no problem. Then deciding to do a degree and getting a student grant (I was one of the last years to be eligible).

When I wanted to get a job I just literally walked into the job centre and walked out with one. Any time you wanted something temporary you could get on the books of an agency and be offered work pretty much immediately.

Oh, and not forgetting the three years I just decided to go and live in Italy in my early 20s!

None of that is available to young people nowadays 😢

@goldenteapot Im unsure why you would assume that but that has nothing to do with my question re your economic concerns?

💐

Don’t let a few judgemental people make you feel bad. You’re supporting your child as best you can in a way you feel is best for him. Some people have very poor attitudes to ND. That is their problem.

There are people on here that seem to love taking a swipe at young people in general. 🙄

I have a son in his twenties who has always worked and now earns extremely well. I know families with boys the same age who have never worked (mental health issues or neurodiverse).
If I ever catch myself looking at them in a judgemental way I remember the phrase.. There but for the grace of god go I.
Concentrate on your own life, other people’s struggles are not yours to judge.

Your kids have been through a lot and it sounds like you have done an incredible job with them. Don’t put yourself down.

On a slightly lighter note, you have both done an amazing job in getting your son to pass his driving test, with all the hassle with trying to book a test. That’s a huge achievement in itself!

In difficult economic times it’s the young people that suffer.

with the financial crash on 08 graduates really struggled to get jobs. In the recession of the early 80s it was so bad the government actually set up the YTS (youth training scheme) because so many were unrmployed.

there’s going on for a million NEETs these days - is it all their parents fault or just maybe the fact the jobs market is really shit has something to do with it?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62gzl2yl24o

I'd be so wary of ever decreeing that I'd 'done it right' because of how my DC turned out. Because life's (hopefully) long and you can never say how a person will hold up through its peaks and troughs. Your DC have ofc done well to find jobs and move out at this point but things can always go pears and there's no point at which I'd be patting myself on the back and assuming I know best.

Families are complicated and people mature at different rates. It's also a bit spurious to suggest ASD eye contact issues can be fixed by boss in a shop, so I do think you're on the path to smug and heading in the direction of Bring Back National Service if you think it's as easy as shaking people out of their problems. This is clearly a wider issue with work, the economy, culture, mental health and all manner of things that can't be fixed by your Victorian parenting model. Be happy you're kids are (currently) thriving and let others find their own ways.

Piss off. Smug post

I find in my area the wealthier the parents are (and no one is super wealthy here) the kids are often not working as they have the luxury of that as an option.
For us poorer ones the kids have to work once leaving school whether that’s alongside uni.

universal credit/child benefit and child maintenance from ex partners all stop when they leave school or college at 18 and it has a big impact on finances.
No ones chucking their kids out on the streets and they won’t starve but if they want any kind of social life, clothes, toiletries or makeup, gym memberships, driving lessons and a car then they have to work.

You have no idea how difficult this all is. My autistic dd applies for many jobs a week. Doesn’t even get interviews. She doesn’t claim benefits. You’re a smug twat.

Yes, I rather feel that 16 year old DS1 's enthusiasm to get an apprenticeship has been fuelled by my frequent cries of "I can't bloody afford that!" He's on the way to an interview now, so wish him luck!

This is different from genuinely not even trying, believing that you shouldn’t have to work, and parents enabling this

I don't understand why they don't at least throw out the games consoles. I do sympathise in that I think there are socieconomic problems out of their control but gaming all day surely won't help.

Kudos to him for working whilst applying for other things. It'll look favourable to employers.

I rather agree with this

MH issues aside I suppose if you know your parents will never kick you up the arse then that’s what happens. It just wasn’t a thing back when I was young. My Mother would have thrown me out and I knew it without her having to say it as was just deemed unacceptable.

One of DS mates was like this, after graduating he gamed for almost 2 years and didn’t claim JSA. I know the parents a little they are very liberal minded. At one point they took him and his brother who was still in school to Japan for 2 weeks, paid for everything. I would have left the unemployed one at home myself. He did eventually get a job and I do know it’s tough, it’s a lower level white collar job that has a title that sounds quite good but it’s pretty much a data entry clerk. He thought many things were beneath as a graduate.

@Pricelessadvice it does sound like very tough love but imagine if they had not done that, it’s great you did all that whilst having genuine difficulty. Modern day parenting seems over protective and like yours said for many people their parents are not there for often many years of their lives.

I agree, @Happyjoe. I am glad that all three of my dses are in good jobs that they enjoy and seem to find fulfilling. I think it helped that we encouraged them all to do a paper round when they were teenagers, and they learned that it was nice to earn their own money. We want them to be happy, independent, fulfilled people.

I do understand that every child is different, and has different challenges, but I hope that, if one of them had had difficulties finding a first job, and getting launched, we would have supported them in whatever steps they needed to take, in order to find a job. I can't imagine that sitting at home, gaming all day, and relying on your parents to finance everything would boost a person's self esteem.

I probably am insufferably smug as several have said, but we surely have to address some of these issues, and our generation needs to look at how we have parented as being one of the possible issues??

It my experience here at all either. Kids are 26 and 23. Many friends. I can only think of one amongst 50+ friends of theirs or children of my friends who live at home and are without a job.

Middle ish class mostly but not only.

OP your sentiment is spot on.

At this stage the answer is down to weak parenting. Toughen up your kids by not being so accommodating and setting higher expectations for your kids. It will benefit the kid as they mature and the parent.

Maybe some of it is parental pride

much easier to say “oh the right position hasn’t come up yet/anxiety”

than have a bus driver as a child “who has a degree from a Russell group you know”