AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

If he's homeless and has no job, he won't be looking after your daughter half the time.

@Naunet No - that both mothers and fathers should be working to provide for their children. True equality.

I had many thoughts reading through your posts, but this information here makes me say no! Do not share your savings. If you are planning to separate you will need that money.

I also understand why you are not separating. The idea of only seeing my daughter part-time breaks my heart. What is he like on his 2 days with her?

Also, just a point of reflection, has this ever been inverted in the relationship? For instance, when DH and I finished our masters I had a professional job and he had a 3 day a week NGO job which did not pay the bills. He was looking for something else. I paid for nice things for us until he got a job and we went 50-50 on stuff. Then we moved for a job for DH and it took me a few months to find something permanent, I did a few odd pieces so covered rent and food bills but couldn’t afford anything nice. DH never offered for us to do nice things and pay. If we did then I had to use my savings. It was really hard and I felt like a massive burden holding him back from enjoying life but now looking back on it, it feels unfair!

Read the thread

@Bickytoria20 Wow your savings her his and your income is is .
His money and savings however are his own .
I actually think you have a cock lodger .
Partner has a baby and next minute he is depressed and won’t job hunt .
Nope he’s using the child as a reason to stay home .
If he runs out of money then what ? Will
you ask him to leave , if not he has you over a barrel ?

You spent that time raising your baby everyday. Why is your child in nursery twice a week and also with your mum one day a week when your husband doesn’t work? He isn’t applying for enough suitable jobs if he’s been off for 6 months.

Diagnosed or undiagnosed ND is not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

On the other hand my friend’s husband hasn’t worked since Covid and she is supporting the household on her minimum wage salary. He decided to indulge his hobbies of being a ‘businessman’ (no income from it in six years); she still does most of the household chores. They have no young children. They’ve had to downsize twice to fund it and now can’t move again as not enough equity. I think he also thinks he’s owed it as she was a SAHM but it’s broken her as she doesn’t have great health (the stress of carrying the financial as well as the domestic load).

Please don’t be her. If she’d got divorced five years ago she would have at least been able to buy a small property for her and her son outright and wouldn’t be subsidising him and trapped as not enough equity to buy them both a place now. She also can’t claim benefits as he’s an adult not working and has other assets that they can’t monetise.

I get that you don’t want to be without your son 50/50 but he may not fancy it if he’s having to do all the work of washing the child’s clothes, putting them to bed, feeding them etc. It’s great fun doing the Disney Dad stuff when he’s not working or doing the drudge work. A different story juggling everything as you know. Either way and I know it’s Hobson’s Choice but you can’t risk your financial future in order to have your child full-time.

As a PP said if professional counsellors are suggesting you split then you should probably listen as they don’t do that lightly. Most couples counsellors prefer to help you navigate staying together.

As someone who has a mentally ill family member who has given away hundreds of thousands of pounds to online scammers and racked up as much in debt having seperate savings is always sensible. Hell will freeze over before I ever merge finances....... and seeing how unhelpful the banks and police have been and her poor husband who should be looking forward to retirement but is having to exist on a knifes edge I'd never marry either.

Doesn’t really make any difference here whether the money is shared or not - you are going to have to use it for bills etc if he has no money. He needs to get help if he is mentally unwell. He needs to job hunt almost regardless of that, given your savings wont last forever.

Sounds like he wants to run down your savings until you have nothing then he has financial control and you are powerless.

Perhaps say the us of your savings is 1) a loan and he will need to agree in writing to reimburse you for covering his share and 2) conditional on him seeing his gp and getting help for his depression.

If he's going to be selfish with his money he cant expect to have full and free use of yours.

My husband had some MH issues last year. He didn't want medication, which is fair enough but he did Talking Therapies and sought help via his Employee Assistance Programme. He also walked a lot, started playing badminton and socialised more.

Our GP would only sign my husband off work for a maximum of 3 months. He said that the longer my husband was off work, the harder it would be to return and in fact being out of routine doesn't help. He also checked in regularly with my husband.

Your husband is in a situation now, where he's been off work so longer, he doesn't want to return. He's isolating himself by concentrating on his hobbies and has disengaged with family life. None of this is helping any MH issues he has, and is likely making them worse not better.

My husband went back to work after 3 months on a phased return. Your husband needs to find work.

Yes and I bet Fontelroy came up with the term Sabbatical!

You only have 5 months of savings and your mother is already subsidizing your household by doing and paying childcare. It's time for drastic action before you default on your mortgage.

Sell the home now.

Prepare to divorce. Your husband has untreated mental illness, he's now not going to therapy and that is a hill to die on. He's dragging you to financial ruin and that is going to be pretty devastating for your child. Split custody would be better than what's ahead if you stay with him.

You can't afford this lifestyle if you need subsidizing from your parent. Something could happen where the parent can't afford to pay any longer and then you're screwed.

Exactly.

And do these women do hardly any of the housework/carry the domestic load? And does the DH not earn enough to fund the household? Because if this were the case it certainly wouldn’t be supported on here.

Each to their own.

For me sharing all money is the weird one. We’ve never done it and never will. Joint for all household stuff but separate for everything else.

It would be a cold day in hell before I gave the lazy fucker a single penny. He needs to get a job. Do not negotiate

he can claim JSA for 6 months (it’s £90 pw approx). Correct no housing benefit if you have a mortgage

What is his plan to rebuild your savings (ie the family emergency fund)

I agree that he should be looking for a job

Can he use UC and JSA?

MRAs are here

Absolutely this but also sensible to have own savings because of care costs and maxing tax benefits

We have joint and own

You need to decide if this marriage can work. You can't meet the bills on one wage, using savings isn't a real solution. So you downsize, he makes a claim for benefits (which he should have done rather than read/take advice) or he gets any work. You could get an estate agent in to value the house and shock him. If you think that the marriage is ending then you withdraw cash, pay the nursery fees out if the savings and your Mum gives you cash instead. She might be more agreeable if she knows you are doing something about the situation.

If he is depressed then he needs to do something about it. He needs to go to the GP and therapy in order to work on his own MH.

To me it sounds like he is resentful of your maternity leave. He thinks you were sitting on your arsenal eating biscuits all day while he worked. No consideration that you grew and birthed a human. Then looked after a baby for a year. He thinks you had time off and he wants the same.

I wouldn't let him dip your savings. Your going to need them when you leave him.

I think it’s more likely that OP has researched UC or other means tested benefits, which they won’t qualify for if she has an income. New Style ESA isn’t means tested beyond any personal pension income and can be claimed for six months. If he’s only been out of work five months he should have had enough contributions over the last two years to qualify.

I am sharing my story to show what MH issues can look like and how I still did my best to not further affect my family. Apologies it’s a bit long.

I had a MH crisis, our child was older. I ended up under NHS psychiatric care in a tier 4 service and was a day patient 3 days a week for almost 2 years. This followed an extremely traumatic event.

For the first 6 months I couldn’t speak more than a few words and was on an almost exclusive liquid diet. I was very mentally unwell. My hair fell out and I weighed 7 stone, they were deeply concerned for me.

After about 3 months I was cooking dinner most days though DH did everything else and he paid for a cleaner. He had an extremely stressful job, mistakes could cost lives, with a huge commute. After those 6 months I started to do more and within a year I was running the house, though I couldn’t deal with bills. DH thanked me and said me stopping work made his life easier though he wished the circumstance had never happened.

I worked really hard at my therapy and situation for the sake of my family, more than for me.

Your husband has not adjusted to fatherhood and is selfish and resentful. He is possibly mildly depressed but not enough for such a long period of time off work. My DH was supportive but did give me a bit of tough love. The issue is your husband but the further issue is women being too nice, both you and your Mum are obviously very caring, lovely women. Women are so programmed by society to be kind all the time. This is a great example of it being to women’s detriment.

I think splitting up is inevitable it’s just a question of when. Plus 5 months living expenses is not that much if you are also having to fund a divorce. They are scarily expensive a friend of mines legal fees are almost 4k already as it’s a difficult one.

I never returned to work and he is now semi retired. My workplace were brilliant and kept my job open for over a year but DH and I decided that the risk of a relapse was not worth it.

Good luck your child is so lucky having such a great Mum and Granny.