AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

"Many"

Of course, because we're not in a cost of living crisis, so many families can afford to have one parent at home AND use childcare.

So he hasn't got a job, he isnt looking for a job. He cares for his child 2 days per week, he doesn't pay for child care. He doesn't do the majority of the housework and cooking. So he basically has 5 days a week to do whatever he chooses. Are you crazy.

The ick I would have would be insurmountable. My savings would be a fuck off fund so fast.

Welcome to my party! 4 years and counting here. No chance of him using his savings or me not using mine though. We had to downsize our lives and I took a horrific but high paying job that means I barely see the kids.
We saw an IFA to maybe see what he needs to start earning to fund retirement but unfortunately she just did the maths on the projections from my job and it does cover us both, so there's no real financial need. I actually want him to work because for me his whole identity was tied to our work and our joint interest in software development.

He applied for one job at Palantir and didn't get an interview, so he says he's tried and there's no market for him. That's it. One application in 4 years.

Now he says he can't get a job because he can't fit it around the kids activities that I pay for ...he also says he's depressed, but he has plenty of time and energy for all his hobbies.

Guess it's just our life now.

And are happy to be supported by them and in this case - his MiL too.

What an absolute loser

He'd be an EOW dad at best, the man cant even look after his child for more than 2 days and he has you and his MIL funding her childcare. Your mum looks after her half as much as he does! Honestly he sounds like he's using depression as an excuse. He's basically living the single life, he does minimal childcare, no housework/diy/admin and now he's expecting you to fully fund everything. Why are you accepting this for you and your child?

No, it's not just your life now. I'm not normally for the blame game but honestly the man your with is treating you like a doormat and your saying wipe your feet harder. Why the fuck are you putting up with this treatment, you're worth more than this, You and your kids deserve better. You're burning yourself out, you'll end up with no connection to your kids and a husband that will leave you when your ill.

Loosing your home, your savings and possibly sanity won’t also break you too?

I wouldn’t worry about only seeing her half the time as it doesn’t sound like your partner is motivated enough to push for more.

A friend of mine has a husband in sales who has a 9 months on, 9 months off work pattern, loses jobs, writes about his feelings, and then takes a very long time to start looking and get a new job. Her threat to him every time is once the money runs out, the child will have to come out of nursery and he will be the full time carer. Miraculously, he then gets a job.

Watch he's not just using u and ur money to make life easier for him. I wouldn't be happy either and don't listen to people who are shocked u aren't pooling money into 'one pot '. Many reasons people don't do this and all of them valid. My husband and I don't. We Iove and trust each other but if we both work why not have control of Ur own money. Why should I have to ask DH to buy something with money I have earned. Doesn't make sense.
He sounds like he's leeching off u to me. U right to be wary.

Do another check using a benefits calculator such as turn2us.

Tell him to apply for job seekers allowance & keep your money in your bank he’s a married man with responsibility’s not 16 without a care in the world he needs a lake up call

No, because the majority of women staying at home do all the housework and childcare!

Why isn't he watching your daughter full time?

I too am worried if you separate you are going to be hit with spousal maintenance as well as CS being the higher earner in the family with additional resources ( your mum financing child care).

Basically you’ve either got to reduce your earnings/ring fence the savings and Mum stops financially supporting the child’s care costs.

I too would be speaking frankly about listing the house for sale. If he gives any sort of shit it will buck along his ideas.

is he not able to approach employment agencies even to get contract roles?

(my cousin is in the same position with her parents subsidizing lifestyle options and they’ve already consulted a solicitor).

You and your Mum need to wake up and smell the coffee. You are both financially supporting a man to doss around all day, doing exactly what he likes while treading on eggshells around his depression.

Keep your savings, and move out. Give him a deadline in which to become a functioning adult with a dependant child, and he will either work his arse off to keep you or he'll carry on doing exactly as he pleases....

Sorry to hear this. I would ask Mum to stop paying childcare and use own savings to pay childcare. And tell him your mum quite rightly does not have to pay for childcare when he chooses to have a hobby and no job, Then ask mum to pay that amount into an account he has no access to. Or know about. That way you have a running away style fund, and the savings he wants to deplete will go quicker and you will see what he does then knowing he can’t have another 5 months of being looked after.

i would also do nothing for him in the house. Not put his clothes away, not cook for him or any life admin that benefits only him,

He should be claiming ESA though if he is still ill. I dont see how he can work on a project and do child care and claim he is ill. He's pulling a fast one and needs to get back to work. Challenge him on the above and also what steps he is taking to address what is mentally problematic for him. I suspect nothing so that shows you how seriously he is taking recovery and rehabilitation on his 'sabbatical'.

Could I ask whether married couples often have separate savings and accounts etc? I know there is no right or wrong and that different things work for different people. We have always had one pot of cash between us and everything is joint - no separate savings or accounts it's all joint. I wondered whether this is more or less common than an arrangement where things are divvied up as they go along?

Someone already said something about benefits and you didn't think you were eligible but when I was made redundant in March 2020 at the start of Covid, I got straight down to the Job Centre and claimed contribution-based JSA. It was really quick and easy to do and starts from day 1, partner's income doesn't come into play, non means-tested (based on previous NI contributions). I would've done anything with a mortgage and 3 year old twins but luckily, I was hard on the job hunt and was back in employment by early June. I think you get it for 6 months as a safety net from memory; it wasn't masses but helped cover bills (£300-400/month)?

Non-contributions based JSA however is means tested and would be harder to get (and is perhaps what you were thinking you weren't eligible for).

Also, jump on a benefit's calculator as you can usually get other help like working tax credits, help towards mortgage interest payments, nursery etc. - not sure which JSA these extras are against though. Failing that, write a prompt in ChatGPT to see what you're entitled to.

Caveat here is that this was 6 years ago so it might be UC or something else now but you're definitely eligible for financial support - not that this helps with your husband but he can at least be proactive and see what help he can get the household!

This.

A word of warning—your situation sounds a lot like mine a few years ago.

My partner lost his job just after I returned from maternity leave. He was unemployed for 15 months, during which I went back to work early and we burned through £25k in savings, He did have a job related insurance but this covered only a percentage of his income. He had 3 job interviews over the 15 month period, did no housework, and would often also say he needed to job hunt over the weekends.
Our child was in Nursery 3 days a week (with me looking after her 1 day) as he couldn’t look after a child and job hunt.

When I finally told him we risked losing the house, he blamed me for not telling him sooner - despite him having full visibility of our joint account and him using it each month to pay the Nursery. Within a month of that conversation, he got a well-paid job.

Once he was earning, he insisted on splitting every bill 50/50, even though he earned significantly more and I was still doing 1 days child care a week.
Any of his wage he didn’t/doesn’t spent each month goes into his own personal bank account. I have no idea how much he has.
At the same time, I struggled financially, and if ever I asked for help, he told me to manage better or take out a personal loan. He would make reference to any expense I had made over the last few years as reasons why I was poor at looking after money or would refer back to holidays that he had paid for 10+ years ago at the start of our relationship.

There’s much more that isn’t directly relevant here, but after speaking to Women’s Aid and going through therapy, I’ve realised the situation for what it is and am now doing everything I can to leave with my child.

Whatever you do, please do not use your savings to support someone who sees you as a free ride. From everything you have said, he could get another job if he really wanted to - but he doesn’t have to whilst he has your savings as a safety net. He is disrespecting you and putting your child's security at risk.

Please take care
Sorry for the ramble!

This! In spade loads. Repay her with your savings and ask her to keep the money safe incase u need it in the future. U r so blessed to still have a mum and someone totally trustworthy in your life.
The way he is after Ur money, while he lives the life of riley, is a red flag. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

He cant have it both ways, whats mine is mine and whats yours is ours is massively unfair

The hobby needs relegating to weekends and evenings (within reason - no opting out of family life). Monday - Friday, 9-5 he needs to be updating his CV/applying for jobs/cleaning house etc.

Is the medication not working? Time for an increased dose or change of meds.

Therapy isn't working? Time to quit or get a different therapist.

You need to have a firm line on every get out of jail free card he tries to play. Make his life uncomfortable until it's easier just to apply for stuff to get you off his back.