AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

[Bickytoria20]

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

Everyone’s DH is different- my work sister refused to let her ex use the savings and had to work 7 days a week. Her ex-DH went on to try and raid the children’s savings to pay for his secret cocaine and gambling habits. Thankfully the bank staff knew her kids and alerted them! They told their mum and she is 7 years divorced now.

@Bickytoria20 Do not do this ! He will then be the main carer of your dd. He will get full custody in a split and keep the house and you will be paying him while getting access .
I think we know what his plan is and you need to put and end to this now .

Honestly…Tell him the house is going up for sale that you are splitting and mean it. .
It’s best you do this now while you have the help from your mum and your dd is settled . He will needs to find a job to support himself so probably won’t want 50/50 he only wants to do childcare now two days a week that’s it . That’s all he does .

You say you don’t love him and counseling isn’t working. You need to protect yourself and your dd . He is only out for himself .

@Bickytoria20 I would start to divorce him as soon as possible. The marriage is fundamentally unequal, unbalanced and he doesn't care enough to keep it all on track.

You don't really need to know any more than that.

When I met DH he was on medical leave following a breakdown related to the harrowing nature of his job. I got a gut feeling about him and his morals though and I was right. As soon as he could go back to work, he did. We got married soon after meeting but he kept on grafting. If he had not accepted treatment and kept himself on a path to wellness or relied on me to fund him, I would have divorced him. Women do too much for useless me. Nurse with a purse style relationships.

You can claim UC if you have a mortgage as long as you live in the house. Depends on your income.

She is not putting pressure on him to earn more - she is ask for him to 1. LOOK for a job and 2. Work on his mental health so he can be ready to tackle the requirements of a job when he gets one.

No adult who has family responsibilities can afford to just sit around on “coding projects” while other people (OP, OP’s mum) fund their financial responsibilities.

Don’t be disingenuous.

Whatever you do, keep your child in daycare so your husband can't claim to be the primary caregiver and you end up still supporting him.

You need a lawyer consult ASAP to get info about where you stand if you split now or down the road. What is custody going to look like? Your husband has untreated mental illness and work refusal.

He's not going back to work. You get that. You're likely to lose the house. Shit's getting real here. You only have 5 months of savings. That's not much time.

If I was in your position, I'd get the lawyer consult and get divorce papers drawn up. I'd ask my mom if I could move in with her for a time to get back on your feet. Sell the house and serve him.

Bearing in mind you say he’s very attached to the house, I would use that as leverage.

Tell him you have arranged for Estate Agents to come round and value it as obviously you are going to have to sell as he cannot or will not get a job.

Where is his pride and self respect allowing your mother to bankroll him by paying for his ( and your ) child's childcare ?!!!

This lazy bugger needs to get out there and work, and in the meantime he needs to ' sign on ' and claim benefits as the unemployed person he is.

It's in sickness and in health , not in sloth and in health.
you mention mental health issues- has he sought help.
What guarantees are there he will job hunt in the extension afforded by your savings, it seems to me it will just allow nothing to change.
I wouldn't spend my emergency fund in this way.

I would be very wary about letting this drag on. I had a friend with a husband who quit work. He did so unilaterally and once the kids were at school. He did pick ups and drop offs, but carried no mental load and did little house work or cooking. My friend earned well and did not seem overly concerned. She just got a cleaner and DH spent massive amounts of time at the gym, gaming and at the pub. At the gym he met another woman and eventually filed for divorce. At this point it really started to hurt. He argued he was the main care giver and stayed in the house. He also got spousal maintenance for the next five years to top up his lifestyle. Be wary of any relationship where the workloads and effort are so uneven and think carefully if you need to listen to your instinct and take some clear action if he will not. Do not sleep walk into what could easily become a nightmare.

my stbxh did similar and yes admitted later it was because I had two lots of mat leave which he didn't get.

When you were on ML, did you get any salary at all? Did you do all of the housework, baby care, cooking and administration? If you did, then he is being very unfair. He is watching his DD two days a week. If he thinks it's payback for your ML, he is nucking futz.

Please do not wait until you "have" to use your salary to get your freedom. He has a mindset of, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine if I need/want it."

I would not tell him what your plan is at all. As for him getting maintenance, he watches your DD 2 days a week. That makes 5 days a week where she is either getting cared for outside the home or by you (weekends).

Any chance you could move your DD and you into your Mom's house until you can get on your feet and find a place for the two of you?

If he’s not working he should be having your child full time during the day, no nursery, no mother and doing the majority of the housework. That’s what a stay at home parent does. I’m so sorry he isn’t doing this.

I bet you did all the childcare and housework during your ‘year off’.

I agree with previous posters in that he needs to " get real" and start accepting he is unemployed rather than " on a sabbatical"
He needs to sign on as soon as possible to get his NI paid.
You need to insist on this and I agree with others that your savings shouldn't come into it.
Unfortunately " making arcade games" is not the software career it once was unless you are really, really good. How up to date are his coding skills?
Has he any skills that might transfer into the financial sector or network management?
Are there any tech based employment or temping agencies who might be able to match his skills to a job and maybe help him get some temping jobs that might pivot him to a new work area?
This would help him satisfy the job applications part of any dole claims.
If he can identify where his skills are lacking, he might be able to access training to improve his employability.
You really need to make it clear that doing nothing is not an option. Galvanising him into action with signing on, updating his CV, upgrading his skills and doing some temping will give structure to his days and improve his mental health.

@Gemtastic I still think there is the mindset from some that the man should "provide" solely for the family based on the fact he is male. Why? Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I am less capable of providing fiancially for my family. Treat me equally to men here - not differently.
In this case I take my hat off to the OP for going out to earn for her family. Her husband should be doing the same.

That may be true but it’s not true of the majority of Mumsnetters.

Anyway there are very few if any women I have come across on here that give up work once all the initial intensive baby care-giving has been done to be a SAHP but not carry any of the domestic load. And if they were they’d get their arse handed to them. Even SAHMs who actually do all the domestic and child rearing tend to get a lot of push back and are told to get a job.

@Gemtastic I agree - I don't think it's the majority of course.
But I'd also agree with the push back you describe.

Even if they were not "your savings" but were just "the other half of the family savings" it still would be wrong to spend those savings to keep DH at home any longer.

It's been months and he's not taking any positive steps towards getting himself better and back into employment. As long as he thinks he can use this money to sit at home he has no reason to move forward.

This is not good.

He does the majority of childcare, they split, he is primary carer. Just don't.

@Bickytoria20 you're in a very precarious position. He might be planning this all along.

You're best bet is cajole him into getting a job, maybe use the very real threat of losing the house if you cannot keep up mortgage payments. Do not let him become a SAHD whatever happens.

They usually do that while doing all the children for one or more children. This man is only doing 2 days a week and has 5 days a week off.

Get the house valued, get legal advice and get rid.

No - do NOT make him the sahp. He will do nothing, the child will be neglected, he will be offended at all suggestions (child should be up, dressed, fed daily), and when you're run absolutely ragged picking up his slack, and you decide to divorce, you'll end up paying him child support and he will have custody, unless you insist on 50-50 which will interfere with your career.

Get legal advise wrt divorce and sale of the house.

Put the child in a nursery or find a childminder ASAP.

Once she is settled, put the house on the market, and accept any offer that is within £10K of the asking price. Once you've sold, find a flat for yourself and DD and tell him the divorce papers are on their way.

My partner didn't have a job for two years, didn't lift a finger, did pay his share using savings, until they ran out. Then he suggested I use my savings to pay his share and I said no. He could have got a job but wouldn't even consider any job that was beneath him (in his mind). I was prepared to leave (with my savings intact) but when I said no he got a job. We are still together but I feel very differently about him. He was happy to watch me go out to work every day, do nothing in the house and let me carry the burden whilst he tarted about. I saw/see it as lack of respect and frankly taking the piss.