AIBU to refuse using my savings if DH will not job hunt?

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AIBU to refuse to use my savings to support DH when he won’t job hunt?

My DH will run out of money in about 6 weeks and still hasn’t started looking for a job. He wants me to use my savings to give him more time. I’ve said no, as I don’t think it’s fair – by that point he’ll have had around 8 months off and has done precisely nothing in terms of job hunting.

I see my savings as an emergency fund, not something to fund an extended break. He, however, thinks that if I don’t use them, I’m effectively abandoning him and not supporting him as his wife.

He says he’s depressed and needs more time off. I do believe he’s struggling, but he can’t say how long he needs, and originally said he’d only take 1–2 months before looking again. I’ve tried to be supportive, but it feels like the only support he considers valid is financial.

What makes this harder is that he spends basically all his time working on a personal coding project he’s been doing throughout his sabbatical. It clearly requires focus and skill, so I struggle to accept that he’s incapable of job hunting or working at all.

Background:
• He’s currently in month 6 of a sabbatical after his contract (software engineer) ended.
• Reasons for the break were:

1. His mental health declined, partly due to strain in our relationship while he was the main breadwinner during my maternity leave (our DD is now 21 months).
2. He wanted more time with our DD as he didn’t get paternity leave (he now looks after her 2 days a week).
3. He planned to do various DIY jobs (extension, garden fence, etc.).

To be fair, he has continued paying his share of the bills and mortgage from his savings, which he built up beforehand. But those savings are now almost gone.

So… AIBU to draw the line and refuse to use my savings to give him more time?

@Naunet Tbf there are quite a number of women out there who do exactly that, especially once their children are in school.
Apparently it's "feminism" because they have the choice to do whatever they want.

Any evidence for this?

Thought not.

@echt Mumsnet is a great place to start.
But it's not usually labelled as a hobby - tends to be more "volunteering".

I don't know any women whose MIL pays for childcare so they can do nothing all day.

How many do you know?

Software engineering is changing and that might have triggered his wish to drop out. Maybe the kind of work that's inside his comfort zone is not in demand any more and he wont adapt. His project is the kind of coding that he finds easy and rewarding but only hobbyists do it now. He's in denial and cloud cuckoo land, and so are you. Or maybe he could still walk into a job but the only way to find out is for him to try to get a job. If he wont even try then he's just fooling himself.

You need to be making the plan to separate. He is obviously not going to do it because clinging to you is easier for him.

Anyway, your choices now are (a) to let him spend all your money and drag you and your child down with him or (b) to take control and do as @Canitgetbetter advises upthread.

Show me where they're encouraged on this website. And they're clearly not farming out childcare to their MiL if their kids are at school either.
There might be some women out there doing it, equally, as this thread shows, there are some men too. So whats your point? That it means all men should be allowed to be selfish entitled wankers?

In preparation for your divorce, I would use your savings to return the money your mum has loaned for childcare and if she still has that money floating around and wants to help, she can add it to the pot she holds which is your divorce fund. Your H sounds like the world's worst gofundme project. What a pointless, lazy twat.

I would put the savings into an account where they can’t be touched for 2 years. If you’ve saved that money then no, he can’t have it. Then he will HAVE to find a job

Your mum should step back from childcare and financially. She is enabling this nonsense to continue. It will force a crisis for you then you need to be prepared to deal with the situation.

This will eventually end in divorce. You can do it in the near future, in a planned and organised and way with you in the driving seat or you can wait until he has bled you dry (mentally and financially) and dragged you down with him. On the current path he will spend your savings and you will end up losing your house unless your poor long stuffing mother steps in. I think you need to take legal advice before making any decisions.

Has he not paid enough NI in the past 2 years? That's why I was not eligible. My son turned 12 during that period so auto-NI stopped, but neither me nor my accountant realised/informed me.

Evidence shows that a job (or at least unpaid but purposeful work that genuinely contributes, such as caring for children), is beneficial for mental health, and the lack of it exacerbates depression and anxiety.

A short break for rest and therapy can help. But at this point, even if his mental health were the only thing that matters, he'd be better off getting a job.

And that's not even taking into account his responsibilities towards his wife and children!

God It’s easy to see the male posters on threads like these isn’t it?!

Trying to be positive here as an ex-contractor software engineer myself. (retired) Software engineers really are a dying breed nowadays the job has been replaced by AI. Perhaps this is why your DHs contract ended OP. I did a stint working for a supermarket which was useful. Hard work though!

Not if he doesn’t earn enough to cover household costs. I have never seen anyone on here saying they want their DH to use their savings to subsidise them to not work for over eight months and not even look after the children full-time. And if they did they’d get their arses handed to them,

It’s the usual false equivalence that’s trotted out here by male apologists.

As I said further back in the thread, my husband has worked with a lot of contractors (he also works within the IT industry). Contractors set aside money to pay into a pension, NI, Tax, sickness, holidays etc. Do you know if your husband has been paying into a private pension? The money he'd set aside, that he's been paying the bills from etc, has he still been paying his NI contribution and into a pension per month, whilst he's not been working? Are you sure he's paid his tax bill?

If he's not paying into a pension (or has stopped), then how is he going to manage in old age? If he's stopped paying his NI contributions, he will have gaps, where he hasn't earned enough to qualify for a full state pension.

My concern is that your husband hasn't been managing his self-employed status particularly well, and it could turn around and bite him on the arse. You are married, so any financial issues he has will effect you. For example if he's never paid into a private pension, you can't claim anything if you divorced.

The job market is very unstable at the moment, he may not necessarily be able to simply walk into a job. It may take time. Also in the majority of areas the IT industry is small, most people end up working with people they have come across before within the industry. You say yourself your husband in his previous contracting job, didn't seem to do very much. If he earns a reputation of being lazy and not particularly good at his job, word will travel. He may find, contracts aren't renewed or he suddenly stops being able to find work, because someone at the business knows him or of him.

They also stay at home and watch the children 24/7 not two days a week

I’m totally gobsmacked that depression or not, he hasn’t kept to his word, end of.

Depression comes in various forms and both my husband and I have taken leave of work. My husband took an easier job part time during this time which gave him routine.
My boss gave me a sabbatical and yes I then found it hard to return to work because my motivation had gone. I loved my job too.

Even though his project has taken longer, he should be still contributing to the family, even if it’s not a career job, part time.
Get him a job washing up in the local pub, that’s an income…collecting trolleys, stacking shelves in a supermarket, night shift, anything.
He will still have time for his project but less so.

You’ve be supportive long enough.

While your hubby has my sympathies re mental health, without taking active steps to help himself and his family, the sympathy starts to wane. Yeah, I know depression can make people not face things by its very nature, being married with a child makes this not an option. He has bills to pay, end of.

Also, not having a job, routine and income will add to the depression. To be honest, I think he's enjoying not working and wants to carry on. I get the impression he wants 'pay back' for supporting you through maternity, ignoring the fact that the child is both of yours and this is what happens when a baby comes along! The job market is really tough out there and he needs to be looking now, it may take several months to get a job.

Yeah, he's taking the mick out of you expecting him to use your safety savings when he's not actually doing anything to help himself or look for a job.

Did he start ‘struggling with his mental health’ while you were on maternity leave? Sounds more like jealousy at you not working as others have said. The difference being that you were actually caring for a baby full time and there was an end date. If he was working (even if only earning £200 a week) you would also get 22 hours a week of childcare free rather than your mum paying for this.

Nope. He needs to take some responsibility. He's exhausted his savings and now wants to exhaust yours - where does that leave you? Whatever the ins and outs, he needs a better plan than 'bleed saving dry'.

@Theunamedcat Even when they're at school?!!
Also, many women do still opt to put their babies/children in childcare as a SAHM. Perhaps not every day, but at least pt.

He's an absolute child if that's the case since you were caring for a baby full time and he is not. Which I'm sure you don't need me to tell you but you need to be straight with him about this. He's been pissing about on a personal project while someone else has been watching your child. It's not remotely the same.

The longer he's off, the harder it is to get another job because the anxiety about work increases and employers start asking questions about employment gaps.

Software engineer employment market is tough right now. Its competitive and getting more competitive. If he doesn't get back in soon, he'll be very exposed when AI cuts come and beleive me they are coming.

DH is a senior engineer and he said yesterday their new AI tool was now doing a significant amount of his job and one of his offices looks up for the chop. This is a change from even a few months ago.

He's in denial and he will burn down your savings and then have another excuse...

...you need to be aware of when its going to be better for you to cut your loses financially and boot him. You are likely to be better off without him.