To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

It's people-pleaser speak. Translation: She can do it and it's not the end of the world, but it's feeling like quite a burden and she doesn't want to.

Yes I've read the whole thread miss! but unlike the majority of posts which are just repeats of each other - oh and quoting other people's posts just to patronise or tear them to shreds - it's a lot more proactive to suggest other possibilities to the OP because NO-ONE knows exactly what the issue is.

Why don't you learn how to write your own posts instead of wasting time reposting mine & repeating the same crap/picking fault. Do you know how to post your own replies yet!

OP you sound like such a lovely person, but I worry for your own mental health if this continues. However hard It might be, she needs to accept help from a professional. You are a mother of a very young baby, and however capable you are, there’s only so much support you can offer before you make yourself ill.

Daft question but is there any chance she is having an affair?

Full days without the baby. Doesn’t want partner to know. Upset and acting unusual. Panicked. Nothing about her behaviour makes total sense. Lying about help etc.

Cheaters often appear to act unusual and people say they seem to have lost their mind/hit deep depression etc. I believe it’s due to Cognitive dissonance (on one hand you are being a lying twat, on the other hand you have dopamine hits and someone telling you that you are amazing).

If a poster posted this from her spouses perspective I think this would be suggested. I’d be tempted to call round when her mum has the baby at baby class.

I am a big believer in ‘if it doesnt make sense it’s because part of the story is missing’.

this crossed my mind too

It’s very strange OP, glad your DH took the opportunity and it’s out in the open about how much been looking after their DC.

Agree any support now needs to be with her or him present with your DH. It really isn’t workable for you to have all of the DC by yourself any longer.

Glad too you are getting a break yourself now, have an amazing time! You have nothing to feel guilty about you are a great friend to her.

It must be a very confusing situation though, I would probably want to pull back a bit from the friendship itself at this point because of the lack of transparency.

Seems unlikely as he wouldn’t even notice that it wasn’t there on the Saturday night, he doesn’t seem to ask many questions or give a fuck himself does he?

I don't understand why you are so bothered and involved with this friend who is totally taking you for a fool. Stop helping her its not your job. You are not helping her get on her feetstay away its not your problem. I can't ,after all your moaning, understand why you went back to help. You are a fool with your kindness stop it now.

I have no practical advice for you, but you are such a lovely friend. It’s such a difficult situation having to be cruel to be kind but you’ve done over and above so try not to feel any guilt.

Are .you new here?? Or never been to bottomless brunch?
You really can't take a 4 month old baby, its.not a nice quaint afternoon tea type experience, it's a normal main course with unlimited alcohol.
I can just imagine the threads about the friend if she took her baby (there probably have been some before anyway)

I also thought this...

Possibilities:
A) Her husband is lying & home life is awful (PND/ abuse scenario)
B) She is lying & either having an affair or is an alcoholic/abusing drugs
C) She is lying & just very, very lazy

It's tempting to try and get her & husband both in the same room & demand an explanation!

I’m fairly convinced that your friend is having an affair tbh…

TBH, OP, just one day of that would be more than enough for the vast majority who already have 2 under 2 of their own.

So a one-off, real emergency only.

I haven't read the full thread, sorry. But the fact that her other half didn't know the baby was being looked after for whole days, I wonder if she was spending her free time making herself and the home look immaculate, rather than admitting it was impossible with a young baby.

Another person here saying this is utterly odd.

How on earth has the father not realised his baby isn't with its mum? Even if he's working long hours, wouldn't it become apparent at some point in general conversation?

She's getting you over when she can't cope, yet he hasn't noticed anything amiss at all?

Either he is very stupid, very abusive or she's very mentally ill (but him not noticing anything would be strange in this scenario).

Affair poasibly, or some sort of addiction issue?

Yep, definitely hasn’t read the actual thread 😂

She can't bond with the baby if she never has them.

I think she's playing you all off against each other and that's why she's so worried that your DH will talk to hers and tell him what's actually going on. As to why she doesn't want her baby with her, who knows? Drugs, an affair, she can't cope or she's just a lazy, selfish cow. From the OP's posts, where she's as baffled as us, it's not clear.

Bit touchy aren’t we dear??It’s called the quote button by the way. It’s what you click when you’re replying to someone. That way you don’t have to write their post yourself to respond. Hope that helps 😉

Nothing constructive to contribute but just wanted to say what a wonderful friend you are. I wish I had someone as helpful and empathetic as you when my baby was born. You (and your understanding husband I add) have gone miles above and beyond to help her and now you are helping her to help herself without judgement. Keep an eye out and you have done the right thing informing the health visitor and now her husband knows, its in his hands too to provide the support she needs. I would suggest you enjoy your time now with your young children as you never get that time back. Good luck 😍

What’s the betting that the OP’s next update will be about her conversation with Granny who reveals that she is looking after the baby for all the hours that OP doesnt plus overnights at the weekend!!

I think she is struggling, but also that she is a CF - the two are not mutually exclusive. She could pull her finger out and deal more with her own baby but instead has opted to get everyone else to do the hard yards. I have seen this - have a friend who is excellent at the damsel-in-distress act and actually has a lot more support than she lets on.

Either way, OP, it’s not up to you to fix this and you have been a wonderful friend. But it needs sorting in a way that does not burden you with an extra, difficult baby in addition to your own two!!