To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

Genuinely can't believe you have 2 under 2 and have agreed to look after another very young baby for extended periods of time and overnight. When my baby was young I used to swap some time with a friend - we each took each other's baby for an hour whilst we each did something solo. It worked well, but I'd never have wanted to look after another baby for more than an hour or so (except in an emergency or on an exceptional basis - but for that I'd make sure I wasn't solo). The babies got fractious after an hour away from mum anyway, breastfeeding or not. I don't think you should feel bad for saying no or prioritising your own family and needs. This set up is not normal. Even if your friend is genuinely struggling, that doesn't make it your problem.

It all sounds more and more peculiar.

I definitely think affair and o think a few do too now! How did it go today?

I'm sorry not read the entire thread so probably this has been raised already but she has plans for Saturday brunch which also seems to have turned into a night out, such that you'd have her baby overnight?

Isn't that a bit epic for anyone, let alone a struggling new mother?

Curiouser and curiouser.

Did her dh tell her that he knows you’ve been having her ds? What was her reaction?

Wow.
Illness and sleep regression means that you are struggling with two now, so three is impossible - isn’t that the case?

Yep, you need to step waaaaay back and just enjoy your own children, and you know, settle your own baby! Just stop! It’s actually pretty ridiculous you have got yourself into this situation and are allowing yourself to be used. Grow a backbone

It definitely sounds like she's hiding something! Whether it's an affair, substance abuse, gambling... Who knows. I'm not sure it sounds like PND anymore? Kind of sounds like she's using OP and her mum to get time and cover up her problem from her husband. To me it sounds like she's hiding something big from her husband that she doesn't want him to know. Big red flags anyway.

Yes personally I didn't go out for a full year after my baby. Not saying mums can't but if you need to be begging for help, even when you have a DH, to do so it sounds like something isn't right and she's got her priorities in a very strange order. She's hiding something.

You don’t make sense in your post by saying you can manage, you don’t mind, and then you’re saying it’s too much.

I would make excuses how you can’t look after hers anymore if you just don’t want to. She is taking advantage of you.

None of this adds up. I was going to write a load of reasons why but then realised I would just be prolonging this nonsense

I haven't RTFT, so this has probably been said before.

She's playing you all off against each other.

She lied to you and said that her mum doesn't help that much, when you know that she does.

Her husband also sounds like he's much more involved than she lets on.

She's been misleading her husband and hiding how much help you've been giving her.

Basically she's been telling everyone that they're her only real source of support, and guilting them into giving her loads of help.

This is nuts! You said they aren’t newborn but they are 4 months old, that’s still bloody tiny! How old is she? And yourself? Why does she want to go out and leave the baby with you all day and overnight? Has she got postnatal and not bonded with her baby? You need to sit and have a chat with her about what is going on. This is not normal behaviour and she likely needs professional help x

OP what happens when she has another baby and then you are left with looking after both of her kids,plus your own two.

It is her and her partners responsibility,not yours.She will happily get pregnant again knowing you will be there for her.

I'm sorry but she is really taking advantage of your kind nature. Don't fall for her tears,she needs to shed the tears to her partner who she made the baby with.

She is having an affair. That’s why she wanted you to have the baby overnight.

Dont assist her on your own anymore. Involve your husbands in all contact situations.

She is having an affair. I’m telling you!

she is struggling but you aren’t at the right stage in your life to step in. I say this as someone who gave a lot of support with a friend with a baby and a horrible DH but I was at a different point to you. You have 2 small children and it’s ok to say I can’t manage this right now.

Honestly my mind would not have gone there knowing she has a 4 month old. I could barely remember how to spell my own name and showering daily was as far as I got with self care at that point.

Yeah but did you have 4 days off a week?

Sounds like more like 6 days off a week - I would suspect she's just been underplaying to OP how much her DH actually does. Weekends could well be Daddy Time...

Fair play to you OP, you've put things in place for a safety net - alerted HV, DH has put her DH in the picture. Hopefully you can step back and concentrate on your own family. Anyone in your shoes would hand the issues back to those concerned. I hope the little newborn is OK - poor little mite x

Particularly when that friend has two under 2s herself! That's totally mental

I haven't caught up with every post, but I think it's clear your friend isn't coping with motherhood and needs support. I understand why it happened, but the support she really needed was not for other people to take the baby off her hands. Although everyone can benefit from a small break from caring for the baby, and the friend (not the OP) probably asked her mother to provide regular childcare, it would have been much better if her mother could have focused on supporting her with other tasks so that the new mother could concentrate on caring for and bonding with her baby.

My mother was a brilliant support when my 4 DCs were tiny, but she would never have had the baby for a day until they were much older, and I wouldn't have wanted her to. Doing the washing, cooking the odd meal, general tidying and watching the baby while I showered or caught up on sleep was enough. Whether it's because of PND or not, something has gone wrong with the friend's ability to parent her child. It's tough for most of us in the early months, but this seems more serious. I hope the HV is able to offer practical help as well as advice.

Ummm, seems from the OP's latest updates that he "friend's" acting skills do indeed make her a very proficient actor

Whatever’s going on, you’re a good friend @Cosmicpickle. Spending that much time away from her four-month-old has red flags all over it, you were right to sound the alarm.