To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

You sound lovely OP 💐

Be aware it could be a domestic abuse situation. Or he’s seemed unsafe around the baby and she’s afraid to leave baby with him. I know he’s your DP’s friend, but abusive men can present very well to others. Best not to tell her DP (or your DP if he’s in touch with hers) stuff about her (especially if she’s begged you not to) until you know what’s going on.

Your DP can keep offering him support and encouragement in being a hands-on parent, and perhaps gently finding out what the dynamic’s like for them at home, without sharing any information about your friend or what she’s telling you.

Could also be PND. Or both.

You’re right to support her in caring for her baby, rather than taking the baby for her. Keep gently encouraging her to seek advice from GP.

I suppose it's a possibility but wouldn't begin to explain why she parks the baby with OP and her mum for 4 full days a week when the DH isn't around. In the light of the lies about what her mum does, it seems more likely she just doesn't want the mum/husband/OP to talk as they'll put the puzzle together and realise she's barely taking care of her baby. OP has done the right thing talking to HV and they'll be aware of DV and PND and all those possible factors and more.

Definitely affair!

Did you get a chance to speak to her mum to gain any insight OP? It's all very strange x

I think she's playing you.

The OP's posts have gradually revealed that her "friend" is being pretty dishonest about several things, and also that the friend's husband seems to be more involved than the friend is letting on.

This.

Some depressed people can pull themselves up for shorter periods of time.

Stop short changing your own family- for this YABVU

I’m just saying that things were definitely going to come to a head on Saturday, and she apparently had no expectation that he would look after the child. That much must be true, - as she would have no reason not to leave the child with him, if she could would she? She’s going out to some strange brunch that turns into an all nighter, regardless.

We have no way of knowing what she was going to tell her husband. She might well have headed out with the baby, and left him with the impression that she was keeping the baby with her (even overnight, e.g. they were both staying at her mum's). She has clearly misled him before about where the baby was and who was looking after it.

Yes, but then what father wouldn’t then ring to check - that you’d gotten there ok, and to make sure that their 4 month old baby was settling ok etc. Plus are we to believe that she was so confident that he would never mention it any point over the next few weeks to his mother in law? That your wife and child had stayed the night recently?
Seems all really implausible.

Which is why the friend's stories are unravelling now that people are actually talking to each other.

I have a question.

Brunch here is a late morning, early afternoon thing, and usually over by 1 or 2 pm. How does that turn into an all nighter? Do you do brunch at a different time?

She doesn’t have PND. She sounds like she is using lots of people and becomes distressed at the thought of losing that help. She seems quite happy to go on nights out and whatever else she does on the 4 days she gets help all day….

Sorry you have been used this way. She sounds completely manipulative and I would back away from the situation.

She is also clearly being dishonest with her DH about the level of help she is getting. Hence why she didn’t want your DH to speak to him.

i think this has already been addressed upthread but there's a whole other thing called a bottomless brunch that involves booze and can well go on much longer.

This

For shorter periods of time, yes. But so she can go out on a boozy brunch? And while she’s doing god knows what 4 days a week while her baby’s palmed off? Yeah I don’t think so

That's not really how PND works. It's absolutely 100% possible to have PND and want to go on nights out.

If she's regularly in floods of tears at the thought of having to be alone with her baby, and saying things to the OP like 'the baby's happier with you than me anyway' that is a very strong indication of PND.

Thanks.

I still think a fairly new mom leaving her kid for nearly 24 hours is out of the norm, to say the least. Given all the effort she expending at hiding how little she has her baby, it looks like there's something besides PND involved.

Exactly.

I’m not diminishing PND. But in this situation it sounds like the friend is just gaining advantage of everyone.

Are you sure she’s not having an affair and using the baby as an excuse to have time with someone else? It all seems very weird.

This isn’t to knock anyone and I’m definitely not a trad mum/wife. I do wonder if this “me time”, “time out to be myself “, “It’s ok not to be ok” malarkey has gone a bit far and is fueling selfishness. By that I don’t mean feminism has gone too far but this aggressive princess behaviour has .

That thought actually entered my head too...all a bit strange and the OP has been sucked into it.
Many years ago my DD had a school friend who use to come over for playdates. I sometimes used to volunteer to have her younger DS too...not aware that the mum would use the free time to have an affair with her best friend's husband.

@CosmicpickleOP can I just say what a kind and wonderful person you are. Everyone needs a friend like you ❤️