To tell a friend I can’t continue this level of help?

[Cosmicpickle]

The context I suppose is that I have 2 under 2, husband does work long hours but is genuinely great both as a partner and as a dad, I know I’m very lucky there and no complaints. Our friends had a baby at the same time we had our youngest, there is one week between them. My youngest is what I’d call an easy baby, sleeps well, feeds well, happy to just be here and really is no hassle at all beyond what you’d expect from a 4 month old. My friends baby on the other hand is a more difficult baby, doesn’t sleep well, cries a lot, issues with feeding, doesn’t like to be put down etc. Her partner isn’t a great support, see’s his days off as his time, his time after work as his down time- you get the picture, not particularly helpful. Her mum goes round 2 days a week to help her out and when the babies were tiny she asked if I would mind taking her baby for a few hours a couple days a week so she could catch up on sleep, rest, clean etc as she was really struggling. I remember all too well how hard it was being a first time mum with a tricky baby so I was happy to help and initially it was 2 days a week, 9am-lunchtime ish, yes it was a handful with my own 2 plus hers but it was okay and I knew she was finding it hard.

The problem is that now the babies are 4 months old and we’re still doing this except over time it has become longer and longer. The last two weeks one of the days has been 9:30am until 5pm, tomorrow she has asked if it could be the same and has also asked if I could have him overnight on Saturday so she can go out. Now I can manage but obviously with 2 under 2 myself it can be tricky and just a lot really with the 3, and the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

It feels like it has become just too much and I need to pull back a bit but is that unreasonable? I know she is struggling, genuinely, and I know how hard that is, I don’t want to be cruel and I don’t want to make her life harder, I can manage, I don’t mind helping, but this just feels like too much now. Especially as the babies aren’t tiny newborns anymore who are happy to just be in the pram or sleeping, days out are getting trickier with a toddler and 2 babies! AIBU?

I'd be kinder than other posters and suggest the friend is taking the time to sleep and tidy up, so her DH is coming home to a tidy home, happy baby and a rested new Mum and thinking she's acing this, unaware that the OP is doing most of the baby grind. The friend needs to see a GP if she is in tears and unable to cope - maybe something as simple as a tonic, a blood test to see if she's anemic. OP -- you've been a super friend. Time for the other woman to step up.

@Cosmicpicklehow did the conversation go between your two husbands?

hers: how’s Cosmic getting on with two kids, it must be tough!
yours: it’s even harder as she’s got yours two full days a week!
hers: bloody hell, what?! I had no idea!
Yours: yes, it’s taking the piss really-I’ve told your wife it can’t continue. It’s not fair on Cosmic.
Hers: absolutely-I’ll talk to her, so sorry she has put you in this situation.

?

What was said and how was it left?

Unless she is helping you in a similar manner, she's just using you instead of confronting her "partner" whose child and whose responsibility it is to raise.
I would have a conversation with her and set new boundaries.

She is taking the piss. She is taking advantage of a lovely friend. Don't let her make you look like a mug.

She's playing you for a fool. It's outrageous really, and you're helping her to the detriment of your own family

You sound lovely OP. Definitely something not stacking up here.

I have a 6mth old DD, my first, and was diagnosed with PND. It is absolutely brutal and the hardest thing I ever went through but I reached out to all the many services there are and got on medication and am, now doing much better. She needs to do the same, for her and her baby.

OP, do you think she has substance abuse issues?

To me, this smells a bit of someone who is prioritising some time to use and nod off a bit when the opportunity to pawn the baby off on someone else arises. So she isn’t “struggling” which is why her husband has no idea.

But people with addiction issues (I speak as a recovering addict) are very good at passing the buck to someone else to get a few childfree hours to pop some pills in peace. Very few people want to avoid their children for the sake of it, but I can absolutely see this in someone with addiction issues. It’s very easy to talk yourself into ‘just a little me time’ when your judgement is clouded.

I’m starting to find this a bit odd. How did the conversation pan out between your husband and hers? Surely there was more said than ‘oh I didn’t realise cosmic’s been looking after my baby all the time.’ Was the sleepover mentioned? Surely her husband is now questioning where she’s been and what she’s been doing if you’ve been having the baby and would’ve been quizzing your husband??

Gosh, that update is a bit bizarre! Doesn’t it make you wonder what’s going on @Cosmicpickle ?

I also think she's having an affair.

Reckon she'll be on OP's doorstep before long screaming about her blowing up her relationship. 👀

It’s all adding up to an affair

I was beginning to think that too about the possibility of her cheating on her hubby.

If her husband is oblivious to there being any issue and that other people are looking after his child regularly I’m really confused where he would have thought his baby was when she goes on this night out!

Surely he would have thought it odd that he was at home but she was leaving their baby overnight with a friend…

I would point her in the direction of a good nanny agency and leave it there!

I’m confused about this too. Maybe he thought the baby was going to her mum’s, it sounds like this weekend the husband is out as well, so maybe he was happy with that arrangement. Or just never knew his wife was out too

Agreed - where did he think his child was going to be on Saturday night?

Either he really is useless or she has herself caught up in a cacophony of lies.

Poor baby of course it can’t be settled by mum - sounds like it never sees mum and hasn’t bonded to her at all

She's taking the lot of you for fools.

By pure chance her partner was texting my husband about their weekend plans last night and her partner asked how I was managing with our two kids so my husband took that opportunity to mention I’ve been having their son 2 days a week as well- her partner apparently had no idea this was happening every week. He knew I had looked after him sometimes but had no idea it was a regular thing and had no idea it was full days. My husband asked how she was doing and he said she’s doing really well… so either she is putting on a really good front at home, or he is oblivious, or she’s putting on a good act to me.

So she's perfectly fine when her partner's at home. If she was that deep in PND, she wouldn't be able to hide it from her partner so easily.

Was the partner not supposed to notice his partner and baby are out overnight Sat and you were to have the baby? Or was she going to let him think she was spending the night with her baby at your place or her mom's or wherever?

That's 2 major lies she been caught out in.

the overnight- her partner isn’t working, he’s off, but she knows he won’t agree to have their child alone overnight so has asked me instead.

Could she be using street drugs? There's something up that's not PND and I would bet she's not being honest with anyone here. You need to pull back. You can't fix this for her and things look like they are going to get really messy.

I think it's clear she hasn't bonded well w/ her baby. While it can be overwhelming with little ones (I had a very colicky baby), there's still that ache of being away from them. At that age, if I needed a break, it was to sleep or shower, not to go to brunch or overnight. I'm not saying it's wrong to go hang w/ friends, but the lying and the hiding make me think there's something scary going on in her lack of bonding (PND) or possibly addiction - something is making her wish for escape, not wish to fix her baby's needs. I'm less inclined to think affair at this stage, but who knows?

And get paid!

@Cosmicpickle Your baby has stability and routine whereas hers is being raised in chaos . I realise some babies are colicky etc and it’s obviously not parents’ fault. But this baby seems anxious. Maybe mum is struggling with PND or similar but she’s in danger of losing her friendship with you or making you ill . Can you gently tell her you can’t have baby for more than 2 hours and definitely not overnight. If she isn’t coping she could speak to GP or HV.

Definitely tell her mum. You are kind and gentle, which is admirable, but the Mum needs to know the blunt truth and what your concerns are... or she might think "i'm sure this will blow over when she settles down." and adopt a wait and see attitude. She needs to know the scale of concern., even though this might feel like you are telling on your friend.

Also, OP.. I think the friend is treating you as if you are a close relative and therefore you owe her this service. But you don't.
From the description, I think she will be the kind of person to make every request an "emergency" or something that is "vital" and that you are the only person who can help her out and she is desperate.

It is much harder to turn someone down when they say that and they've left asking you to the last minute so they know you know that they have no other option and then it puts the whole thing on you.

It makes you feel that you are the person who is unkindly letting them down, they've laid it out that you (and you alone) could help them, you've proved it in smaller ways already, so why can't you help in this very important emergency when she has no one else to turn to? People like this are so persuasive, they see you often and so they know what you are doing and when you are free and have the capacity to step in.

But remember that its not an "emergency" if its happening all the time... They start off with small favours and somehow that makes it harder to turn down the bigger and bigger favours. The implication is, "You've looked after him before and he's happy with you - so you should have no problem looking after him overnight." Which is already anticipating any pushback reply you may have and demolishing it. It is really hard when someone establishes this method.

They make you feel like they will fall apart if you can't help them - just this once - because its so important.. and by the way its also just as important on Tuesday and Wednesday and next Friday. Therefore her falling apart is laid at your door if you don't help. It actually is quite suffocating when someone keeps putting their responsibilities on you. It's oppressive.

You don't deserve this. You deserve to enjoy this time with your two little ones, not feeling constantly stressed by someone else's ever increasing demands.

Her last minute demands really are quite deliberate, and its a clear pattern from your descriptions. Its manipulation, even if she herself doesn't realise it.
Yes she does has problems. And you've been very kind and supportive.
But you've established that amongst all this asking for help, she's been lying to you, and probably to her DH and DM too.

Its now become too much and not really helping her in the long run, so you shouldn't feel guilty about saying no. Remind yourself that she will survive if she doesn't get to go out on Saturday night or have you looking after her child for two full days next week.

Be kind to yourself too and prioritise yourself.
I'm glad your lovely DH was able to speak to hers and hope you get a chance to talk to her mum and hopefully you will be able to navigate your way through this and have a bit of peace for a change.

What a surprise. Her husband didn’t even know she was palming his baby off on her friend two days a week. Now I’m even more convinced she’s up to something.

I was thinking that pages ago. I even said it.