To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

His priority is his work. Not his family. Not at a time when he's really needed.

This isn't ok. AL is AL. He should say no. It's not his fucking problem.

YANBU - did you not explain to him that him going into work wasn't the agreement that you had?

Yeah no he needs to come home and watch the child.

Message him and say ‘you need to be home by lunch, you’re on leave, and if you’re not you will have to tell <your ex> you can’t look after her children as you’ve decided to work. i think that’s really unbelievably shitty of you when you offered, and everyone else will too as I will make sure everyone knows that you made this offer then fucked off to work while her 4yo was having open heart surgery.’

And when he gets home hand him baby and go out to destress. If he is happy to dump a child not yours on you then he can’t complain about his own baby.

Not sure of some of these replies, it’s very easy to say prioritise the family that’s until the job goes and the bills aren’t being paid.

was it really a case of he could say no? Then yes it’s not ok. Would there have been a major issue if he did, then it’s a shit situation but it’s important to understand his hands were tied,

OK you are there today and in the middle of this is a 4 yr old having major surgery

put cbeebees on and relax a day of tv isn’t going to hurt anyone

then talk to P when he gets back calmly explaining that it was both if you helping not just you
and tomorrow work will just have to be short staffed

No, I'd be absolutely fucking fuming.

Then he shouldn’t be making please promises of watching his ex’s other child.

Op has a 8 week old. Either he watches this 18 month old or it goes back to its mother.

Depends. We run our own business, and short staffed would mean someone else calling in sick and jobs not getting attended if DH didn't work, for example. This would have a net negative effect on us, so work would come first.

If he works in a shop and has been asked to in when someone else is ill then yes, that's different.

Unless his job was likely to be at risk obvs.

I'd probably do a park or soft play trip and then cbeebies this afternoon.

I would let this one slide given that a 4yr old is having major heart surgery.
But make it very clear to your DP that this is never going to be acceptable ever again!

This. Don't be a martyr make him step up to his responsibilities. He agreed to look after his ex 16 month old now he's gone back on that. I'd tell him be home by lunch time or I'm bringing 16 month old to your work and will leave them with you there. Force his hand.

I would go ballistic.

Can anyone appreciate that in these times it is not always easy to say No to work . It's special circumstances, a one off . Don't cause an argument over this . I have commented on this subject before - why are so many people unwilling to be on their own with children . It's not supposed to be a competition. OP you are perfectly capable to manage one day .

The mother who is with her 4 year old child under-going open heart surgery?

Come on.

I agree it's not ideal but it sounds like all of the adults have a good relationship and help each other out so, whilst it's a huge pain in the arse, if DH is otherwise a brilliant, hands on dad then I'd let this one slide and just look after the children for the day. But I would be telling DH it's a one off and he can't keep going into work when he's on AL....

Then he shouldn’t be making please promises of watching his ex’s other child.

The OP says "we" agreed to look after her. Not just her husband.

I think it's absolutely ridiculous that you're providing free childcare all the time to children that are nothing to do with either of you to be honest.

I think that its a lovely thing your doing to help your step sons mum. It will hopefully make life easier for all of them so I would just get on with it and rope in your step sons to help when he gets back from school.

I can see your annoyance but your partner is stuck in a hard place if he’s needed at home and at work. just make sure they let you have a nice relaxed evening after running around.

That sounds like hard work & it could be he’s trying to get out of the house to get a break from the madness. But it could be he is genuinely needed. I think it depends on what his job is.

He does sound like a decent bloke who has stepped up to help his ex who seems to be in a difficult situation.

Can the teenager help with the toddler? Take them to the park or out in the buggy to the shop or something?

I think it's absolutely lovely.

It depends, if he's short staffed does that mean the business could really suffer if he doesn't cover? Or is it just a minor problem? He could be protecting your futures or being a selfish idiot.

I’d suck it up. We’re all spread so thin nowadays. Work is important too.

Your partner is at work not golfing.
You are at home looking after 2 healthy children.
His ex and your friend is with her 4 year old getting major heart surgery.

Is he the boss? Not clear why being short-staffed should mean his leave is cancelled.

As a one-off I would just suck this up. The heart surgery is obviously an exceptional circumstance. Sounds like one of those days where everything has conspired to be difficult all at once and it's reasonable to help if you can. OTOH if your partner has form for expecting you to cover his caring responsibilities then I would be unhappy.

You might not, but I'd probably hold off going ballistic until it's certain that the 4 year old hasn't died during surgery.

Blunt, perhaps, but making sure the kid's still alive before returning to sender is a more humane thing to do in the circumstances.

It was on the agreement the dh was using his parental leave however. If he is not home the agreement has changed.

I wouldn’t be agreeing to watch anyone else toddler while I had a newborn. Your own is different because it’s what they are used to.

It’s nice that they offered to help sure but ops now been left in the shit because of her dh and his ex. When frankly it’s not her problem.

Struggling to believe that anyone could be this callous.