To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

Sorry, but 6 months paternity???? How is this possible? In what line of work please?
My hubby is a vicar and we only ever got 2 weeks even when our baby with a major heart abnormality was born!!!
Families who have had a late loss previously are in the same boat, zero extra support.

Clearly the Church of England don’t care much about families/encouraging their workers to be supporting wives and new babies……but I’d be so interested to know what line of work this is and persuade him to get a wiggle on with a proper job. That would also mean we weren’t tossed out of our home as soon as he’s no longer of use to them. Thanks in advance.

It’s amazing to get 8 weeks. I’ve barely had that despite my 6 children as he was called back after a week to cover some other vicars pre-booked holiday leave. Ffs. 🤬🤬🤬🤬

If it really is essential that he is in work today I’d let today slide as long as he helps with the various children for the rest of the week.

if there is any suggestion of otherwise I’d go ballistic. And I don’t see why he has to visit the ex and her child in hospital he is doing her a massive favour by looking after her other child. Surely she has more local friends that can bring her stuff.

If you feel your husband didn't really need to go in, and could have stood his ground for being on annual leave - by all means take it up with him when he gets home. Particularly if it is a pattern of behaviour.

For today though, I really think the only option is to suck it up. You're helping your husband's ex, who is close to your family, and the child in question isn't totally random (he's the brother to your kids' brother!) in an extremely difficult situation.

I mean there are not many people for whom I wouldn't watch their toddler while their 4yo had heart surgery.

The 4yo and the ex have no idea so there's no callousness towards them.

OP and her husband agreed that he would take a weeks leave so they could jointly look after the older child and two babies together.

H has decided his employers needs are more important.

AL is legally protected, he cannot be punished for refusing to come in. They ring him and say "we're short staffed, could you come in?" And he says "no boss not a chance . I'm looking after my relatives kids while their sister has heart surgery, I'll be with them for a week while she recovers, obviously their mum is in hospital with the one having surgery, you'll have to ask someone else. Sorry."

YANBU OP you only agreed on the basis he would be home. I wouldn't make this exes problem, but I would be telling him he needs to come home immediately and grow a pair.

I was goign to ask if it's a genuine work thing but it sounds ridiculous. It's also ridiculous not to have discussed it. DH is also a bit of a pushover so it's not unusual for his work to ask him to do extra to cover for other staff but in a situation like this, as soon as they asked he'd come and talk to me about it. I'd be annoyed as he'd come and talk to me in a way that makes it clear he fully wants to do it and I then feel obligated to "allow" it so that annoys me anyway, but usually at least I can either ask if there's a compromise and/or lay down the law about him not staying for longer etc. eg at his work, it's not unusual after he's done the extra time for him to stay faffing about for various reasons - in those sitautions I make it very very clear I expect him back exactly 30 minutes after his shift ends (it's a 20 minute drive).

This is what friends do. We do it for our friends and they do it for us. That's called having a village.

I personally think the ex thing is a red herring. Obviously the husband's got an additional connection to this woman as they share a child so there's a bit of an extended family element but this is just the parents of young kids looking out for one another.

He shouldn't have promised to look after the toddler and then fucked off to work while on annual leave. He's dicked over his partner and probably made the experience more stressful for the toddler too, since OP will be spread very thin. The other mum probably found it reassuring that her ex who she has a long connection with would be there, and now she has something extra to worry about while her older child's in surgery.

lots of places now offer enhanced paternity leave, with varying levels of pay. But, I think, men are legally entitled to quite a lot, albeit at limited or statuatory pay only. It used to be they could take the rest of a woman's 1 year maternity leave, but I think they'ev changed it now.

As for enhanced, lots of organisations that hire for "professional" roles do this. At my place I think it's 4-6 weeks full pay.

If he works in a warehouse then no he's not vital to the business and doesnt need to go in. I would make it crystal clear tonight that he doesnt go in the rest of the week.

Hopefully the 15yo will be home in a couple of hours and can take the toddler to the park. You can out peppa pig on for the toddler which I think is quite hypnotising lol! I have a similar age gap and it can be tough

My husband gets three months on full pay, and I thought that was good (corporate law, City firm). Six months is really excellent.

It’s very easy to offer to be kind and generous to help out this poor mum whose child is undergoing open heart surgery.
But it’s not so easy to follow through when things go slightly wrong.

I say ‘slightly’ wrong because in the great scheme of things OP, your own child and your own step child are healthy and fine and this little 4 year old will be just fine too if you go for a walk this morning and again this afternoon and stick the tv on in between times.

By all means have the conversation with your DH when he gets home and figure out a solution that suits you better for the rest of the week.
If I’ve read correctly, it sounds to me as if it’s his own business and livelihood and therefore he can’t help but have to be there to keep the business going.
If that’s the case, he shouldn’t have offered to help out in the first place without your express agreement that you could cope alone with two children for a week.

You already have empathy for this mum in her anxious state, and this four year old without her mum for a week, or you wouldn’t have offered to help out in the first place.

I wouldn’t be adding to the other mum’s current burden by letting her know you don’t want to look after her four year old after all.

I find comments like this so sad. A bunch of adults being a village to a group of children is a good thing. A bit more kindness in the world would make it a much nicer place.

The four year old is having surgery. They're looking after a 16 month old. A baby.

My DP gets 3 months full pay. At no point did they ever ask him to come in at all. He actually hadn't even worked there long enough to qualify but they have him it anyway. He also had 2 months off full pay after he injured himself at home at couldn't drive, he went back about 2 weeks before our baby was born. He works for octopus energy.

So you /him when he’s home are looking after children who have no blood ties to you at all

tho are his sons half siblings as same mum but diff dad

that’s a really kind thing to do. Esp as mum th ex is in hospital with her child which must be scary for her

yes he needs to come home and help as it’s his sons half sibling and no relations at all to you - and you have a small baby to look after as well

The 4yo and the ex have no idea so there's no callousness towards them.

People are using the word callous in relation to PP's suggestion that OP drops the toddler back with his or her mum.

While it clearly isn't ideal. Sometimes work has to take priority
These are exceptional circumstances. Can't the teenager look after the younger sibling ?

Not if he's taken annual leave. He's not available. He has a legal right to that.

Thank you.
How amazing!
Clearly my hubby is in the wrong job!
He is a qualified electrician, so hopefully I can get him out of the c of e, I feel so screwed over as a wife….thats before I get started on the low pay and crap holidays you can’t take when you want to!
They keep reporting that no one wants to be a vicar, but it’s not surprising to me having lived it!
Glad you got treated so well by octopus! Nice to know some organisations give a toss about family even if the church don’t!

I think you have signed up to helping a woman out with a very complex family situation with very young children. Which is admirable and wonderful of you. Unfortunately these sorts of things do not run smoothly - 'never work with children and animals' anything and everything could crop up with such young children. I think this unfortunately is the really shit part of doing this other mum a favour and you're going to have to suck it up, you did sign up for things going wrong because everything can go wrong with these sorts of situations. What if there are complications with the surgery, you could be stuck with the 16month old for more than a week?

I would however be really pissed off with my husband, he should have asked you first, to see how you think you would cope, but is he worried about losing his job if he doesn't turn up? An incredibly stressful situation it seems. I think he needs to tell work no for the rest of the week.

This sounds like a hard situation for everyone involved. I would be inclined to suck it up today and have a word when he is back from work.

I’d message any chance you can come home early it’s hard going

but also say today needs to be a one off your not doing it again

with kindness working yourself up into a lather over this will make it worse than it is

not really the point of the thread it’s quite heart warming to see people being adults and pitching in for others where others would just say it’s an EX though shit

This is worded perfectly.

It's one day (which you're already halfway through). If your DH going into work paints him in a good light with his employers then that goes a long way when it comes to promotions / pay increases which will benefit you all.

But yes, by all means speak to him when he gets home and say you don't want to / aren't prepared to manage the rest of the week alone so he needs to speak to his manager and be honest. I'm sure they'll understand.

It's the OP's DSC's half sibling

The OP's DSC will presumably concerned about their half sibling.

If I was the OP's DH I would be very concerned about my own Dc's half sibling.

The child could die. Imagine the impact on the DH's child, the OP's step child.

OP - I understand why you feel put upon and it isn't easy. It would have been a good opportunity for your DH to set a boundary with work if possible.

At least your DH now has an extra day of leave 'in hand'.

He has mistaken your kindness for weakness , let him know that you will bring the toddler to his work place if he does this again, it's not acceptable.