To be pissed off DP has left me with his ex’s child and gone to work?

[NebulaNomad]

My DP has a 15 year old DS with his ex, he was a teenager when he was born as was his ex. They broke up when he was young but they still are good friends and as a result as am I. Some people find that weird but it works and it's better to be civil even though his son is older now.

We have an 8 week old together and his ex has a 4yo and a 16 month old with her ex. She split with their dad when the youngest was a few months old and he has no contact with her or the children. Her 4yo has a heart condition so we help if we can with her youngest when he has appointments so she can focus properly on the 4yo and also due to the hospital being abour an hour and half away by train so it’d be a nightmare with the buggy and it not really being fair on her being cooped up in her buggy

Her 4yo is having his open heart surgery today he's already had a lot of surgeries etc in his short life bless him but his mum is still understandably worried. They have access to the Ronald McDonald (I think it's called?) house but he will be on the HDU/Icu and babies aren't allowed and she doesn't want to leave her 4yo alone who has had major surgery.

We agreed to have her, my stepson is also here obviously. DP has paternity leave of up to 6 months but he has only taken a month so far and is looking for more during the summer so we can go on holiday with our baby and his son.

Anyway, he booked this week as AL as we are having little one for a minimum of a week as the 4yo is likely to be in hospital for at least a week. DP has said he will take things whatever she needs and will be with the 4yo for a few hours so she can have a break but mostly it'll be just his ex as her family are abroad

Except... He's gone into work today because he's “short staffed” so I'm here with a 16mo who just wants to run around and my 8 week old. I know parents have this age gap but this isn't what I agreed to

Aibu to be pissed off?

So what do you suggest?

Ring the mother (whose small child is currently having open heart surgery) and ask her to come and pick up her other child?

Or perhaps go and drop the child off with it's mum outside the operating theatre?

I'm genuinely in shock.

Drop the child off with dh. Would be the better option.

If he’s on annual leave then he’s on annual leave. What would his workplace have done if he’d actually gone away on holiday?
I wouldn’t be impressed with this either and I’d take myself for a nice bath or whatever once he comes back.

At his workplace? And risk him getting into trouble / potentially losing his job?

I understand why you are annoyed and it might be a difficult day for you to lookafter them both, alone, but also...a bit of perspective might help. A few more hours and he'll be home. There's a child undergoing major surgery right now, I couldn't allow myself to get worked up over this

What's his job? Seems a crucial bit of missing info

I think we need a bit more context about his job- is it genuinely urgent, does he has form for this?

I wouldn’t hand the 16m back to the mum unless you absolutely have to, it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong and today must be so stressful and emotional for her.

Let it go for this time.
With a young child having heart surgery, if you make a fuss this time there is no way it won't seem like you are the bad guy.

But watch carefully. Wait a few weeks, then the next time he dumps any children on you at short notice so that he can go to work, or go anywhere else, that is the time for the big sit-down conversation where you make your expectations and boundaries crystal clear.

What does your husband do that you can walk in there with an eighteen month old and drop him off without fear that he might lose his job?

Rodeo clown probably.

If he's the heart surgeon then this wins "drip feed of the century".

His work wouldn’t call him in off annual leave because well he turns his work phone off when on leave but on the odd occasion staff have taken in a child and worked in the meeting room rather than the main shared office or they are allowed to work from home.

I can't believe people are so callous. It's one day. The poor DM of the boy having surgery must be going through hell at the moment.

Your DH needs to get his arse home and hold up his side of the agreement.

Who the fuck is taking their kids into the office?!?!

Never in 20+ years have I ever known someone to bring a child into work with them (apart from when someone has a baby and they bring them in to show them off).

It's ok to be a bit upset with him but I can see his side. His work was short staffed. He left you with his ex's baby and yours when you're just recovering from post partum yourself. Your partner prioritized work over caring for ex's baby.

The overriding thing is there's a 4 year old having surgery and her mom needs to be with him.

You're facilitating that. That's a good thing.

But he's saving paternity leave to go on holiday this summer when he should be home with you now. I think that was a mistake. You guys should sit down tonight for a serious talk about his priorities and leaving his ex's kids and your boundaries.

Agreed.

The OP even says "they" agreed to look after the child, they all have a good relationship, the husband has been called into work (so not just nipped off to the pub / to play golf for the day) and people are saying they would be "livid" and contacting the mum of the child to pick her up?!?!

It genuinely beggars belief that people can be so heartless.

People take their puppies and all sorts in at time it’s a pretty chilled place.

Though I did also mention work from home as well as maybe the dh shouldn’t be answering work calls during annual leave.

I think if he’s generally good as a partner and dad I’d suck it up , go for a walk and then sit the child in front of a screen if necessary .

Cbeebies for a 16mo and 8 week old? What difference is that going to make? Might as well put a documentary about Jack the ripper as neither of those kids are gonna sit and "relax" watching TV.

It’s not ridiculous in these circumstances. The 4 year old has been dealt a really shitty hand in life and his poor mother too.

It’s a very difficult set of circumstances and I can understand why you’re upset and stressed op. Your DH’s work shouldn’t be calling him in if he’s on leave. Are they aware of the circumstances and why he’s particularly needed at home right now? Involving the child’s mother isn’t an option and neither is taking the child to DH’s work place. Op needs to manage for now (it’s not a critical situation, just not what she had envisioned) and her DH needs to sort out his work so he isn’t called in again. That’s the only sensible approach. Sometimes we just have to accept things and work through them.

Not everyone has a work phone though?

And I know in some places of work, going in to cover staffing issues whilst you're meant to be off goes a long way.

And (obviously you're aware of this) but if the OPs husband is a doctor / train driver / shop worker / emergency services (or a million other professions) then you probably can't just take an 18 month old child with you. Or a puppy for that matter 😐

@NebulaNomad I think it's completely understandable to be annoyed and pissed off at the situation you find yourself in today, due to being left to look after an 8 week old baby and a 16 month old baby all day when you expected to have help. I think anyone who says differently on here isn't being truthful to themselves.

However, whether you should be annoyed and pissed off with your DH for going into work isn't at all clear. Two different things really iykwim He needs a job to provide for you all, and we don't know, whether he really had any choice or not in the matter. There are plenty firms who will pull A/L if the business needs dictate it. Can you clarify? Is he normally a caring parent, pulling his weight etc? The current situation is obviously a serious one for the 4 year old and the mother and not your run of the mill of needing a babysitter for a few hours or days.

I hope the older teen can help when he gets back from school and that all goes well for the 4 year old's op.

EDITED TO ADD: @NebulaNomad We were both typing at the same time. So I see you have provided an update on the situation.

I only agreed as he would be on AL, if I didn't also have a 8 week old that doesn't sleep and is a velcro baby i’d be fine looking after just the 16mo alone. And again I know parents have that age gap and cope alone but I didn't sign up for that.

His work has form for people to not turn up because they're “ill” usually after payday or the weekend and for some reason Dp picks up the slack and works over at the drop of the hat without letting me know he is sometimes but it isn't his problem, he's not the only one who works there so it shouldn't be up to him. He doesn't work in the office, he works in the warehouse so if they were short staffed then they would possibly not get their orders out on time but again it isn't his problem. If they hire people they rarely last before getting the sack or leaving but DP is a pushover and they're constantly changing his hours but then not sticking to it etc. They ask because they know he will do it.

I did say I needed him at home but we couldn't properly talk as he was going out to take his son to school and that's when he sprung it on me about also going to work (he was in his work clothes so I questioned it)